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I am stuck 24/7 with my cheating, STBXW in our marital home, since we both have to work remotely. We can't afford to live separately, because I over-extended myself to build her dream home. Now we are stuck together until we finish the D and sell the house. She is still seeing the AP and goes to his apartment a couple of times a week. It still hurts me so bad every time! I wish I could get over it, but I can't. I get overtaken by rage and lash out at her verbally or via text every time. I have explained how this is a trigger for me, but she doesn't give a shit. Does anyone have any good tips to help with this situation? See more background below.

We have been together 23 yrs, married for 18. D-day was over a year ago, but I didn't file for D until a few months ago because of stupid hopium. We have 4 teen kids and I was desperate to try and keep our family together. She led me on by telling she wanted to try like 6 times, only for me to catch her with the AP every time after hundreds of lies.

She is an emotional wreck, and hasn't been a mother to our kids for almost 2 years. She is literally like a drug addict with this affair. I do everything to take care of the kids (grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, getting the girls homecoming dresses, etc.) while she sits and talks about how she is the victim. The kids feel abandoned since she moved out for a 6 month period to "figure out her feelings". She ran out of money and had to move back home. The court said I had to let her back into the house.

AP is the Dad of one of my daughter's friends. I did not know him, which made it harder to figure out. The guy is an alcoholic who cheated on his first wife to destroy his own family. He cold messaged my wife on her "hot profile pic" on FB and proceeded to meet with her to give her marital advice (the POS is a fucking certified life coach). The affair went on for about 6 mo.s before I figured it out.

IHS is tough. You are in a bad place. Any hope of getting her to move in with her AP?

You’re only good path is as little contact as possible. Tough if you are both in the same home.

Are you over your hopium addiction. That’ll just make it worse if you aren’t.

Real estate is hot in most areas right now. Move as fast as you can. It’s not going to stay that way.

Learn to ignore. She’s not your problem now.

We can't afford to live separately,

Why "we"?
Divorce is the termination of the commitments of "we".

What can "you" afford?
Keep in mind commitments you can’t get out of – like maybe paying your share in the mortgage, utilities and so on until the divorce is finalized – but MAYBE you can afford to get sole residence while the divorce is going on, or MAYBE you can afford a one-bedroom apartment for the couple of months until the house is sold or whatever.

I take it you have an attorney. I take it you have discussed the possible outcome of divorce regarding alimony, possible effect of infidelity and all that. Ask him what you can do.

Another position you might look into: Divorce looks for an equitable division of assets. This does not equate to you getting half the house, half the Ford and half the truck. It means the total value of what you own is tallied up, the total value of what you owe deducted and then fair division is agreed on. That tally includes things like savings, 401, ROTH’s, stock-options…
It MIGHT be to your advantage to offer more of one thing to retain all of something else… Like it might make financial sense to allow her to keep the house while you keep your pension unaffected. If you can see some sort of deal along those lines then MAYBE you could hammer out a signed and legal contract that allows you to start your new life even before the divorce itself is fully processed.

Thanks Marz, you have been a voice of reason and tough love from the beginning of my journey. I commend you for being so active with helping others. I wish I could have kicked the hopium a lot earlier than I did, which you advised me to do. A trace amount of hopium pops up rarely now, like when sharing a special event with the kids and we are all together and able to forget this mess for a moment, but I am able to beat it back down now.

AP could have her stay at his place, but he isn't offering. Besides, she wants to be in the house to try and mend her relationship with the kids,even though they want nothing to do with her after a year of neglect.

I did kick her out for about 2 wks after she relapsed during our last shot at R, but her lawyer got involved and I was forced to let her back in because both of our names are on the mortgage. She ended up couch surfing with mutual friends and it was hilarious to me that white knight AP was nowhere to be seen.

First, you absolutely, positively have to learn to shut up. Do not show rage in person and sure as hell do not show your rage via text message where it is super easy to bring to court and say "look how abusive he is!"

Second, start taking notes about parenting activities. If she is neglecting her parenting duties, then you'll need to produce evidence of that during your divorce.

Beyond that, I basically convinced my xWW, while we were doing in-home separation, to have an informal "parenting plan." The idea is that it gives everyone an opportunity to get used to the new life that is coming out. That is, you would have the kids Mon-Tue, she would have them Wed-Thurs, and then you alternate Friday-Sat-Sunday (or some similar plan -- whatever works best for the two of you). When it's your parenting time, then you do all of the parenting on your own (without your STBXW) and then when it's her parenting time... you leave the house completely. Most likely, your STBXW will start imitating you and she'll leave when it's not her parenting time too. This way, you will hardly ever see STBXW... it's a win-win.

Thanks Bigger, you have some really good ideas and I appreciate your support!

One of the toughest issues is the kids. We have 4 teens and I have become the primary caregiver to all of them since her breakdown/mid-life crisis 2 years ago. I am the only source of stability for these kids and they all want to live with me during and after this mess. Child services in my state require me to find a place with a minimum of 4 bedrooms to accommodate a family of 5. I haven't been able to find any houses or apartments that size to rent that I can afford and still service the mortgage. WW makes a fraction of what I do and can't even pay half the mortgage. We have a ton of equity in the house, so I don't want to chance foreclosure or my credit getting messed up by relying on her to make payments.

I do have a lawyer and thankfully my state gives the option of filing Adultery as a cause for divorce. This should prevent me from having to pay her alimony.

I like your idea on being creative with the division of assets. I am calculating financial options to figure out the best one. It is tough because I would like to keep the house for the kids (could refinance after D to save money) but I would have to give her the majority of retirement assets to do so. I am nervous that the housing market could crash and I would be screwed. She wants the house and is willing to give me more of the retirement, but there is no possible way that the bank will give her a loan that big with her income. That is why I think the best option will likely be to just sell the house and split the proceeds. Unfortunately, that prolongs the pain.

How close are you to having a separation agreement? Speak to an attorney about what you need to do to downsize into a home without her on the mortgage. Use some of the cash out from that to pay down what you are going to owe her as a condition for her signing off on a quit claim on both properties. Hopefully she'll move out again if she has cash. Also work with barcher144's idea of getting a pseudo custody plan in place. I suspect your stbx is going to fail miserably at this as I suspect she needs to be available at AP's whim.

The market is hot right now in most places. Under your circumstances dragging your feet will just get you more of what you’ve gotten.

Let her problems be her problems. You can’t fix those anyway. Being a martyr for your kids has gotten you what?

IMO having one sane parent is better than the chaos of having her around. At their age they may be able to choose who they want to live with. Check that with your attorney. If adultery is applicable by all means use it to your advantage. She will take everything she can get. Bank on that.

From what I’ve seen too many stay in limbo hoping it gets better. You can waste a lot of time/life in these things that you’ll never get back.

The Calvary isn’t coming. Sorry but this is all on you.

[This message edited by Marz at 7:05 PM, Thursday, October 21st]

I think Barcher’s parenting plan idea is a great one.

Child services in my state require me to find a place with a minimum of 4 bedrooms to accommodate a family of 5.

Is that a requirement or a recommendation? I find it strange if CPS can mandate separate bedrooms unless they are willing to provide financial support to make that possible. What if a poor couple with 4 kids living in a 3 room apartment were to divorce? Would CPS demand each provide 5 rooms?

Not that it really makes the big difference.

The entry-point in divorce is equitable division of assets (not the same as equal) and the entry point in custody is 50/50 with one parent being defined as the prime custodian. That label is mainly so the children have one legal address. The older the kids = the more value their choice of parent becomes. You state you have 4 teenage kids – if they are +14 a judge will listen to what they want and then verify the chosen parent is capable of meeting their needs. It would be unusual for you to get 100%, but if they are teens, you are capable of parenting, can provide the better environment… I don’t see why you can’t get at least prime and possibly more than 50%. That in turn can impact child support, division of assets and all that.

I really hate it when people think they are stuck in an inevitable rut or situation. It happens – but I truly believe in the quote I have in my tagline. If you are not happy with the present situation it’s because you have accepted it as inevitable and unavoidable. It isn’t! Think in solutions and think outside the box.

Here are just a few ideas for how to move on:

ANY solution should be so that she can’t impact you financially (beyond possible mandated spousal support or child support). In other words: if she keeps the house your name is off any deed, mortgage, utility bill. If she can’t refinance then the house is sold. YOU DO NOT REMAIN ON ANY FINANCIAL COMMITMENT!

GENERALLY one-off payments are better than a monthly reminder of the divorce. IMHO it might be worth it to sacrifice equity if she agrees to forfeit spousal support.

Don’t base your future on the present conditions. Right now you might see a need for a 5 bedroom house. With 4 teenage kids then unless there are twins or triplets I’m guessing a spread between 13 and 19. How many will still be there in 2 years? 4 years? 10 years?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:53 PM, Friday, October 22nd]

Do not show rage in person and sure as hell do not show your rage via text message where it is super easy to bring to court and say "look how abusive he is!

This^^^ be very careful as anything in text can be used in court. The only way I survived my IHS for a year was through gray rock method with no reactions to my xWS. I left the house if conversation got heated. I would try to only discuss kids and finances. I left the house a lot and spent a lot of time with friends. Take the kids places and definitely set-up a parenting plan to help keep things separated.

What if a poor couple with 4 kids living in a 3 room apartment were to divorce? Would CPS demand each provide 5 rooms?

Like Bigger, this seems very odd to me. Why is CPS involved? All I had to do in my D was watch a few videos on coparenting and such. I don't know what state you're in, nor am I a lawyer, but this doesn't seem to make sense. My ex has all three of my kids sharing a room in the basement, which probably can't even BE a bedroom, due to a lack of a second exit (i.e. window - in case of a fire). We never had to show or justify anything here in MD.

I understand you are angry at the terrible treatment by your STBXWW. She is showing more evidence that she is a terrible person. I hope that if your kids all do live with you after D, that she pays you CS. In regards to how to deal with her, you really need to work on grey rock. Pretend she doesn't exist. If your kids are teens, they likely don't need a whole lot from you (or her). Give them the help and attention they need. You should be oblivious to whether she comes or goes.

I would suggest that you don't have group events. If their mother wants to take them somewhere, let them go. You are in D, so unless you plan to invite her over for Thanksgiving and Christmas, you have a change coming soon, might as well start now.