SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just over a year ago I reached out to my sister and father to tell them about my infidelity. My sister, was and is very supportive. My Father however, was less than supportive. He minimised everything I told him, said that some of the infidelity was"before we were married" and then that he did not like BS because of something that my grandmother told him BS said to her. Firstly, it was not true and secondly it was about 20+ years ago and he has held onto this grudge since then

Everything is up and down emotionally for both BS and myself. I went away this weekend to visit my parents. I have not seen them since October. I wanted to speak with my father and put him straight on a few things. 1) the story his mother told him was not true. 2) I love BS and want to spend my life with her 3) The mess we're in is my fault, not BS. 4) She has not thrown me out, when I leave it's my choice, she is in fact the one who initiates the conversation which brings me back home and into reality. 5) that I was upset with his lack of support for me and my marriage when I told him about my infidelity. I'm the one who needs to fight for the marriage as BS is constantly trying to support me.

This weekend was horrible and I struggled with a lot being anxious and missing BS terribly. I did speak with him, he understood my position and respects my choice to work on the marriage. I think he's still a selfish man and really wanted to not be talking about me and my past/current behaviours. He accepted what I said and supported me in my choice to work on the marriage. I still think there is work to do for him to fully accept what I have done. He still minimises what I did

I'm glad I did speak with him though. At least he did not suggest divorce or try and make me reconsider my decision to work on me and the marriage.

Not sure what I want from this post. Just a rant really.

[This message edited by Bulcy at 12:52 AM, Tuesday, March 1st]

It is good that you were able to talk things through with your Dad, at least somewhat. Taking this stuff in is hard even when you are directly involved, digesting it as a parent must be tough for him. It is interesting to hear his reactions. Your father resorts to minimizing, rug-sweeping and conflict avoidance when faced with tough issues, is quick to make excuses, and yet at the same time, will hold a grudge against others in perpetuity. So add that your book of "why's" as some very obvious examples are being handed to you. Any chance your father ever had an affair? Just curious.

So whose idea was it for you to go on this trip and set things straight?

Any chance your father ever had an affair?

I don't think so, given his attitude to premarital sex (in his house). BS and I had been together for about a year when we first went to stay with them (My parents moves because of my fathers job soon after BS and I got together), we had a terrible trip (a three hour drive was more like six with the car breaking down and I only had second gear (no reverse)...Anyway, when we got to my parents house we were tired and just wanted to go to bed. My parents pointed to the spare room and said this is where you will sleep and my mother said BS will be sleeping in this room with me (my mother). My heart sank....After some discussion we were allowed to stay together in a room with two single beds...much to my fathers reluctance.

I know that does not mean much when it comes to affairs, highly religious people have affairs (my father is not, interestingly). Anyone can have an affair no matter their "outward" views on sexual relationships. I understand this, but do doubt my father had an affair.

So whose idea was it for you to go on this trip and set things straight?

BS wanted me to speak to him and sort the whole mess out. I spoke to him on the phone, but did not cover everything and I wanted to sit with him "one on one" and just speak. So, it was both of us really, but more my idea to visit. We bought the Christmas presents which needed delivering and I had not seen mt mother for a long time, and wanted to see her as she is getting quite old and confused by things. So I thought I could sort out speaking to my father and then catch up on some family time too

FAO - A Mod. Can you take stop sign off please?

The Stop Sign has been removed at Bulcy's request. Please post accordingly.

In my opinion, infidelity is one of those things that unless you have a close experience with it, you don't understand a lot of it, and it's difficult to be supportive of what you do not understand.

My dad's best friend had an affair, divorced his long-term wife and married his mistress. I ended up taking my mother to task when she was critical of the BS in this situation because she wanted to attend the deposition. She thought that the BS in this case should just let it go. It doesn't always work like that.

It sounds like you have made a good dent in clearing the air and perhaps your father will be more open to understanding your experiences and be more supportive. But perhaps not--people can be funny in that regard.

Cat