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The great news is I got married this past summer! She's beautiful, brilliant, but is emotionally competent. Also a BS, but has done a lot of work on herself to deal with it and worked with her ex to raise a very wonderful daughter. Everything is great and we're doing very well together.

The bad news is, somehow my marriage was some breaking point for my daughter. She has now ceased all communication with me, citing "I'll never forgive you for the things you almost did to me" and "I'm afraid of you!" neither of which make any sense, except that in her mind, I somehow almost committed violence to her mom and to her.

She did reach out once and offered to resume communication, conditional on a series of constraints about what I was allowed to talk about and with whom I was allowed to talk, how often we spoke and constraints on any depth of discussion. I knew it was just a setup for failure, so I responded that I wanted an unconstrained relationship with her. Since then, nothing.

I know my ex has been counseling her on why she should cut off contact. Before my daughter cut things off, she would complain about how her Mom just incessantly railed on me in front of her. My only response was "I'm sorry you had to hear that." A couple months ago, ex sent an email, saying she was sorry about the difficulties between daughter and me. I know her well enough to know this was not heartfelt, but an extra twist of the dagger.

Ex believes that I selfishly focused on my own pain, once I discovered her treachery, rather than seeing it as the "cry for help" that she views her affair as. I abandoned her in her moment of need and she'll never forgive me. Nevermind I gave her an extra chance and she did everything she could to betray me in other ways as well.

So, my life is going really well, except for this smoldering hole in my heart. I hope in the next few years my daughter will grow up enough to see what's really going on, but I'm also prepared for that to never happen.

I cannot express how angry I am at her selfish mother, who so willingly inflicts psychological pain on her own daughter to protect her narcissistic ego. At the same time, I view my disentanglement with her to be an enormous relief. My ex sent a bunch of photographs of me and my now wife, whom I knew socially, from twenty years ago, where we are in a group of people socializing, though not directly with each other. There was no commentary, just a weird implication that somehow I had been involved with this woman back then. I think in my ex's mind, she is the victim and somehow I am the villain in all this.

She's doing everything she can to remain a potent force in my life and I'm strictly NC with her.

How old is your daughter?

If she is still a minor, I’m sure you still have visitation. If she’s an adult, you could reach out to her via text or email. I wouldn’t say anything about her mom, just strictly ask her about her.

I hope this helps you, but a friend of mine, his parents divorced due to infidelity on the part of both parents. The mother turned all the boys against the dad and played the victim. They didn’t talk to their dad for years. The dad never stopped reaching out and offering the olive branch. He went above and beyond by paying child support the whole time the boys were in college even though he wasn’t required to. He never said anything bad about the mom. Finally, the youngest decided to confront his dad. The dad had all kinds of proof that he had sent money to support him. He had all the returned unopened cards that the mom returned. And after crying and hugging, all of the boys have nothing to do with the mom. And they haven’t for years.

I believe that eventually your daughter will realize that your ex is lying. I hear it all the time.

Good luck and congratulations on getting married. Isn’t marriage easy when you aren’t married to a cheater?

There will be a time when your daughter will want to hear your side of events. Don't pull any punches.

T4G,

Daughter is an adult. She’s blocked me via text/phone/email. I’m dropping occasional postcards her way.

The weirdest part is daughter knew about the affair before I did, so the basic facts are not in dispute. She’s just buying Mom’s narrative that I am selfish for not helping my WS more when I found out, instead selfishly focusing on my own pain.

I’m in it for the long haul.

Thanks.

Duplicate post.

[This message edited by Cheatee at 10:10 PM, Thursday, March 10th]

She did reach out once and offered to resume communication, conditional on a series of constraints about what I was allowed to talk about and with whom I was allowed to talk, how often we spoke and constraints on any depth of discussion.

This to me sounds like she is trying to protect herself against something you would want to say.

Example: My grown DS came home spouted one day about something his father said/did/IDK. I said that I understood and that is exactly why I had to change the locks during the D. He said he did not want to hear anything about what happened back then. We have never discussed the D because he never wanted to. So his father bashes me for years but I refuse to play that game.

What I am trying to say is maybe your DD is like my DS. They are just not ready to hear additional things because in their heart of hearts they already know what their other parent is saying is not 100% true. And this is all their heart can take right now. So your DD is trying to control the narrative.

Since you were not ok with these restrictions, maybe counteroffer with something else? IE that you would be more than happy to go to family counseling with her so you guys could set healthy boundaries to start rebuilding your relationship? Then it is up to her.

Right now she is probably thinking is she extended the olive branch (a rickety one) and you refused.

Even Keel,

Your interpretation is probably right. It’s ironic though, since I’ve been very deliberate in not saying anything negative to her about her mother. Meanwhile, Mom goes on cursing tirades about me in front of her.

I just makes no sense.

As for a counter offer, I did let her know I wanted a real and unconstrained relationship with her. She never replied.

Now, my Mom (96) is going in to hospice. I emailed daughter to tell her, but she blocked my email and is pissed I didn’t tell her. The craziness is unrelenting.

[This message edited by Cheatee at 10:18 PM, Saturday, March 12th]

Good to see you are doing well in your new M. I have followed your efforts with your daughter. I am sorry she has closed herself off. You really have done your best. As a BS, a parent, and a child of a serial cheating parent, my thought is somewhat along the lines of EvenKeel.

She has decided what her reality is, and she does not want to deal with questioning that reality right now, for whatever the reason. I doubt that even if her mother told her everything she said about you was a lie, she would open up to you immediately. But I believe there will come a time she will question the narrative she has accepted. All you can do is leave the door open and let her know you are available when she is ready. I know you have done this. But it’s a process. Good luck.

Now, my Mom (96) is going in to hospice. I emailed daughter to tell her, but she blocked my email and is pissed I didn’t tell her. The craziness is unrelenting.

I assume you did not receive notification that this specific email message was blocked so how were you supposed to know? If she has blocked you on all communication how are you supposed to tell her? Did your daughter say she was pissed or was this something your ex, in the spirit of being a good parent, passed on? My ex loved to pass on her feelings and portray them as the children's to give them more weight.

Divorce often leaves us in a no win situation. For example; my entire family went to see my Grandparents for Mothers day a few years ago. My Ex lambasted me for a year or more, because how could I not invite my daughters? Well maybe to start I didn't realize everyone was showing up and you know it was Mothers day and I knew how me asking to have them on that day would go over. She would have pointed to the section of our decree that says she gets them on Mothers day and said how dare I ask to impinge on her time.

Sorry you have to deal with all this crap while your mother is dying.

Sounds like you’ve had to deal with a vindictive ex too. Why my must these cheaters continue their torture?

There is still a strong cousin network and my daughter (my youngest) is still in touch with my older daughter, so I hear these things.

This does suck terribly, but as for my Mom, I can’t feel too sorry for myself. She’s almost 97, sharp as a tack and just entered in home hospice after a pretty severe heart attack. She’s ready to go and has all of her affairs in order, down to the tiniest detail. She’s a model of a life well lived a pond a death lovingly accepted.

I worry daughter will come down here to see her Grandma as some performative gesture and find ways to avoid me again. But her granny may well ask her, on her deathbed, why the F she isn’t talking to me. That would be something.

[This message edited by Cheatee at 11:11 PM, Sunday, March 13th]

Cheatee- these things do suck, but you must be the parent and that won't change. YOu just have to offer the olive branch if you do in fact want that relationship and allow her to come back to you. Even if it never happens, for yourself to not have regrets when you turn 97 and are going to hospice, I'd suggest you leave that branch in place and open to reconciling with your daughter.

Otherwise, can you explain this part:

I'll never forgive you for the things you almost did to me" and "I'm afraid of you!" neither of which make any sense, except that in her mind, I somehow almost committed violence to her mom and to her.

What is she referring to, and what type of physical violence. I know the exes can be super manipulative, but what is your daughter referring too.

On a separate example, my brotherinlaw had a shit wife who cheated and hit him. She is not only bipolar, but a bunch of other crazy shit. The kids, they ended up siding with her when my brotherinlaw remarried his now wife. He has tried with his kids, but at some point as adults you just have to let them decide. Sometimes the WW's are so manipulative and both mouth you to the point that the kids don't know what to believe. And its still MOM right...

Do the best you can, that is all you can do. And congrats on the new wife and new life.