SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First of all I want to thank everyone on this site. Being a BS was not something I ever thought would happen to me, and needless to say I am still reeling from everything. After my husband walked out of our house almost three weeks ago, I found this site that night and have been reading all the posts I can and pouring through the Healing Library.

I finally feel up to sharing my story and getting advice and feedback.

We have been married for 15 years and together for 20. We don't have any kids. WH sat me down after work on 5/19/23 and read a passage he had prepared with the AP. He said he wanted to end our marriage and that he had fallen in love with another woman. I was completely unprepared for those words to come out of his mouth. The AP is a close friend and is also married. All four of us were very close, spending lots of time together the last two years and in fact we had all four just spent a week on vacation together and got home two days before he decided to destroy everything. He says that it all started about two months ago, but I don't believe him. I know they coordinated telling me and the other BH at the same time because she also left her husband.

When I asked why WH did what he did, he said he felt like we were more like roommates than partners, and spewed some other crap about how we don't have deep conversations anymore. I was (still am) so angry, hurt, and shocked that I told him to just leave because I couldn't look at him anymore. He already had a bag packed and immediately went to a hotel room with AP and spent all weekend with her.

I met with him the next week to talk. I wanted to know why he didn't tell me the minute he started having feelings that weren't just friendship for AP. His response "I wanted to see where things would go with AP" I know he feels bad for hurting me but he said he doesn't regret anything that has happened in the last two months. I asked if he would go NC with AP and he refused and said he isn't willing to give her up. I just died inside. How can he be so sure that a relationship that started two months ago is worth fighting for but a 20 year relationship can just be ended like that?

Before this all happened I thought we were in a happy marriage. I thought we were on the same page and had the same goals and dreams. Now I don't know what to think. I know him cheating was his choice and his alone, and not my fault, but my heart keeps asking what did I do wrong? Why am I so easy to leave?

My immediate reaction was that I wanted to fight for our marriage. That what we had built wasn't worth throwing away. I tried to convince him to go to MC, that any issues we did have in the marriage could be fixed by learning better communication skills. He said yes to that, but then texted me a few days later saying that he was willing to do MC to make the divorce easier, but not to try to fix us. Now I stopped mentioning MC because I know its not the right thing right now and have decided to go NC and really focus on the 180. I have started IC and joined a boxing gym to help get out some of the rage and frustration I am feeling. He has now moved in with his parents and I refuse to let him back in our house.

My stupid heart still has hope that we can still build back a better relationship. That he'll snap out of it. He has started IC as well. He had cancer in 2021 (now in remission) and I so badly want to think that maybe he has chemo brain, or that he's having a midlife crisis and acting out in very damaging ways. Or that the AP is manipulating him because she was already planning on leaving her husband. How do you deal with hope like that? Am I stupid to have any hope at all?

Thank you for reading my sordid tale. Any advice or words of wisdom you can share is appreciated.

This is a double trauma. You lost a husband, a friend and plans for the future. You will grieve this but don’t lose yourself in it.
He says 2 months but I think that is a lie. Usually something has been percolating for a while. For a ws to move out this fast shows there was something there much longer.
If he thinks his life is going to be different he is mistaken. Neither of them will have brain transplants. He takes himself wherever he goes. The honeymoon stage lasts anywhere from 6 weeks to 2 years but life keeps showing up.
Please look after your health. It will be the smartest thing you do. If you are nauseated try eating small meals and if that is too much try protein drinks. If you are having anxiety and sleepiness contact your doctor for temporary meds to get you through. Stay away from alcohol. Find friends to do things with. Get outside because sunshine in small doses is very good for your overall health.
The one thing I think is despicable is the two of them coordinating this abuse. It means they were conniving against the two people who trusted them the most. It shows some real meanest in their makeup.
I am so sorry this has happened to you. Stick around. This is a wonderful group of survivors with a lot of wisdom.

Dear ERC,

You are in the exact position I was in 10 years ago. My H didn’t have cancer but it was a typical mid life crisis affair (but the OW was not a friend — but she was 20 years younger).

I too was blindsided.

I too was blamed for his "unhappiness".

I have to tell you that I unlike me, you have made two very smart moves. One was not allowing him to live with you and second was doing the 180.

I did neither and watched my H manipulate me for six months. I was like a yo-yo. He’d demand a Divorce— then change his mind. Then things would be ok for a day or two, then he’d demand a D again.

And for six months I went along with it. Then I learned while I was reconciling (or trying to) he was cheating. 😡😡😡

At this point you cannot "reason" with him. He’s beyond that. He’s justified his affair in his mind (and blamed you btw). Typical cheater move BTW.

You are smart to get your own counseling too.

He may be all in on this affair right now. Think of it like the shiny new toy. It’s new and exciting and he’s pretty much acting like a kid with his first crush. He believes the OW is his "soul mate" kinda crap.

And then reality will sink in.

It may take days or weeks or months or even years. However there will be a moment when the cheaters realize they are in a bad situation b/c the affair started out with lies and cheating. They will have distrust. They will have doubts about their ability to trust the other person.

And things will unravel.

Now your H could be the kind of person who will never admit he’s made a mistake. He would rather pretend he’s happy with the OW than admit he’s made a bad choice.

If that’s the case then you won’t have any choice but to D him. And as time moves on you may decide the marriage is permanently destroyed and you could not reconcile with him.

Going NC and kicking him out is NOT sending him directly to the OW’s arms. It’s more if a position that you are not allowing him to cheat in front of your face and disrespecting you further.

My H paraded his affair in front of me (looking back). He literally stepped over me as I sat in the floor crying my eyes out less than 24 hours after dropping the bomb to go to a July 4th BBQ. I was in no shape to go and he just walked out. He was not going to "deal" with the fall out.

Fast forward 6 months later and he’s BEGGING me to R. Of course that happened after I told him I was D him. A few days later I kicked him out. And I did the 180 as best I could while living with him & kids.

I played hardball when he wanted to R. I demanded a post nup to even consider it. I did not lift one finger to help him during R. He was in his own to turn this around.

I don’t know if your H is a coward or not. By that I mean if he realizes he’s made a mistake if he would reach out to you.

But you need to be prepared for it. Just in case it happens.

Keep Posting here. I was not aware of SI during my H’s MLC affair so I made the typical mistakes. I accepted blame for the affair. I allowed him to lie and manipulate me during his affair. I made excuses for him. I accepted crumbs and believed his lies.

You are smarter than that!! Don’t doubt yourself. You are doing the right thing (even if your H is out there doing whatever he wants). You have set the stage to let him know you are a force to be reckoned with.

See an attorney just to learn your rights. It will help you understand what you need to do to protect yourself financially and legally.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:04 AM, Thursday, June 8th]

Sorry that you are here. Double betrayal is the worst.

2 years ago I found myself almost an exact same situation, I would be the OBS in your story. 4 close friends, known each other for 15 years, holidays together etc.

Your feelings must be all over the place, but you are doing wonderfully by taking action standing for yourself. Well done! As recommended above, the next step would be to consult with an attorney.
You are not responsible for any of this and you don't need to find excuses for his behaviour. Infidelity is a choice that he made. It's about his weaknesses and shortcomings, not yours.

As for your hope, one perspective might be to transform it from hoping for a reconciliation with him, to building your own future happiness, whether that includes him or not. It's a hard path and takes time, but you are walking it already.

My path led me to a greater understanding of what I want and whom I want to have in my life. My boundaries were mediocre, now they are rock-solid . I still have some "residual" resentment, but I'm a generally happy person, and I returned to my usual happiness level. Looking back, even if my xWW would be willing to R (and I was willing in the beginning), I am not sure I could reconcile with the fact that she betrayed not only me, but our children who lost their friends and her own closest friend.

Take good care of yourself and check in here for support.

You are not stupid to have hope. It's normal. Your whole life just imploded and you want it back.

There is no going back though. Even if you were to reconcile, the "before" is long, long gone forevermore.

Folks do rebuild and often to a more balanced, satisfying marriage but that takes two super committed people.

You don't have that.

You need to take him at his word. He wants to go. He is in love with another woman. The most painful thing for a wife to hear but here you are.

It might all be absolute bullshit but that's not something you can decide or do anything about. All you can do is deal with the facts right in front of you.

Keep on keeping on. See an attorney. Give him what he thinks he wants. You move forward as painful as it is. Because trust me, if you somehow convince him to stay and try again, it won't work. Only this time you will have betrayed yourself. That will feel worse, if you can imagine.

Keep on your path. You're doing great.

It’s natural for you to be optimistic. There were no red flags and you were blindsided. It’s as painful as losing a loved one suddenly.

Give yourself some grace, mourn, cry, don’t get out of bed if you don’t want to. At some point you will dust yourself and get up and realize that you are worth so much and that your WH does not deserve your tears, hope, love. You have no kids and you don’t have to see him ever again once the legal and other aspects are taken care of.
It seems like it’s the end of the world , but trust me once you realize what a scumbag move your WH made you will be glad he is out of your life. It will get better I promise. Ghost him just like he did. You have better things and better human beings in your future.

Thank you all for the words of encouragement and wisdom. I feel so lucky that I found this site so quickly after my entire world fell apart. If not for the experiences shared and the advice given, I am 100% sure that I would still be trying to do the "pick me/choose me/love me" dance and trying to convince WH that the reasons he gave me for cheating and leaving were wrong. I would also probably be drowning my sorrows in alcohol. I did that one night and ended up sitting on the basement stairs just sobbing hysterically. I hated that feeling and have tried to limit my alcohol intake.

I am the type of person where I need to know all of my options so I have consulted an attorney, and I live in a no-fault, marital property state so everything would be split 50/50. I am trying to gather information on the money he has in his 401(K) and investment accounts and trying to figure out if I can afford to pay the mortgage on what I thought was our dream house. As of right now his is still paying half of our bills, but I think that is only so he can show that he didn't abandon me if we do get a D.

I do know that there is no reasoning with him right now. The question I am trying to answer is can I ever trust him again? I know our marriage ended three weeks ago, but I am not 100% convinced that we can't build a new relationship. WH has been my partner and best friend for 20 years and I do know that I would hate myself if I gave up and didn't at least try. Another part of me doesn't want to give him what he wants, a divorce- and I know that is not a healthy reason to try to fix things, but those are the thoughts raging through my head at 2 am when I can't sleep.

I am trying to surround myself with supportive family and friends and they have all been amazing. Checking in with me, inviting me to do things so I don't just sit at home. I also know that my WH's family is on my side and they feel like WH has turned into a totally different person. They want maintain a connection with me as well, telling me I will always be part of their family no matter what, bringing me food, and offering to help me around the house if I need it. This is huge for me because one of the things that really hit me on D-Day is that I would be losing half of my family. Now I know that is not the case.

A week after D-Day, he wanted to talk about divorce attorneys. Knowing that we were both in IC, I asked for time and space for us to figure out who we really are apart from each other. I told him I wouldn't be contacting him, but I asked that he really think about if this is what he wants to do and to really think about the reasons why he is so sure he wants a D. So that is what I am trying to do right now too. I am not going to lie, my feelings about this whole thing change from day to day and even hour to hour.

[This message edited by EmotinalRollerCoaster at 2:46 PM, Monday, June 12th]

I am so sorry for you.

Your H is moving things at warp speed. Here’s why.

He wants to prove to the OW he is serious about their relationship. He wants to prove he’s committed to her. Which (to me) sends up 🚩🚩 like crazy.

I know you hope he comes to his senses and there is a possibility of Reconciliation.

But where you are now - a D may be in your favor b/c the guilt your H has may work for you. He may be more willing to agree to some terms he would not ordinarily agree to.

A D doesn’t have to be the final ending if he ever comes to his senses and you still want to R, that could happen.

I saw my H have the same mindset as yours. Married 25 years and he admitted the affair but said it was nothing. Ten days later he wants a D. He and the OW planned the D and I was the last to know.

I understand where you are. Confused. Devastated. Emotionally exhausted. Crying. Angry. Can’t eat. Can’t sleep.

It is hard - damn hard - watching someone you love make a huge mistake. To sit back and be helpless and not have the ability to ward off the impending disaster so to speak.

But you know your words or feelings mean nothing to him. In his mind (right now) your marriage was "terrible" and it’s your fault. Typical cheater move by the way.

He’s rewriting your marriage to justify his affair. He’s telling himself "he deserves to be happy". Except he doesn’t have the right to be happy at someone else’s expense.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:28 PM, Sunday, June 11th]

Give him what he thinks he wants.

This is the hardest part for me right now because I am so angry that I don't want to give him anything. I can't get the thought out of my head that if he really wants a D- he needs to be the one to do it. I am not going to make it easier for him by giving him what he wants and part of me thinks that if I file for D that he will then be able to say "See- she filed for D. It's not my fault" How do I deal with those thoughts?

if he really wants a D - he needs to be the one to do it

If you leave the D to him, you're depriving yourself of agency in the matter. If he's already left, there's nothing more to fight for. At the very least, you'll start extricating yourself from a situation which is unhealthy and difficult to bear on the emotional level.

I am not going to make it easier for him by giving him what he wants

Choose your battles wisely. Is it really worth fighting over?

he will then be able to say "See - she filed for D. It's not my fault"

Most cheaters start rewriting the marriage script and badmouthing their spouse way before anything comes to light. Your decision to file for divorce won't change pretty much anything in what everyone around already thinks about the whole matter.

Do not base your actions on the perceived opinions of outsiders. It might come off as blunt, but we're all an afterthought to those not immediately close to us. Yes, they may gossip about us for a minute or two, but they'll forget it all once another piece of gossip comes around. Why would you worry about the opinions of people who ultimately don't care that much?

Thank you Sceadugenga- That is the tough advice I really need to hear right now. In my brain I know you are right, but I am not quite ready to pull the trigger yet. I have faith that I will get there soon.

Reconciling what your mind knows with what your heart (if you will) feels is probably the longest and hardest part of the healing. It took me way longer than I would have liked, so don't beat yourself over it - it feels like crap and it will feel like crap for a while - after all, we all lost something important to us.

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for what you are going through. There is an inherent strength in your posts that tell me you are going to be ok, and someday you will thrive again. With or without this man, you are going to make it.

I can't imagine being betrayed by your spouse and your friend. I'm sure you feel devastated. Take the time you need. There's no hurry except to get to the good parts of your life again and out of infidelity.

I understand exactly your feelings about why you do not want to instigate the D b/c then your H will use that as "proof" that you weren’t supportive of him.

I too felt the same way. But then I realized that it didn’t matter if I filed or my CH filed. He was going to tell himself whatever he needed to — as long as he got what he wanted and he could spin things in his favor.

If I filed he would have used it against me.

If he filed he would say "he deserved to be happy and he had no choice but to D me" blah blah blah.

My moment came when I found out I was killing my self to R and he was still cheating. It’s like the proverbial bucket of cold water.

I no longer cared what he thought.

I had to do what was best for me and my kids and I could no longer live with a lying cheating H. I had to put myself first.

I didn’t care who or what he told anyone. He no longer mattered. It took me 6 months but once I arrived at the door of "it’s him or me" — I chose me.

To this day I choose me.

This is awful. I am so sorry. Please quit referring to the AP as a good friend. No loving husband should treat you that way nor would a good friend. She pretended to be your friend. As badly as it hurt s now, those two deserve each other. Two selfish people like them will never be happy longterm, but you can be!

I am so, so sorry you had to find yourself here.

I have a very similar story. STBXH (hate the term "wayward," he didn't trip and fall and land in another woman's &*&%$) and I were together 17 years, married 15. He admitted to a 1+ year long affair with a coworker who had become a friend of mine. We also don't have any kids.

One thing I did that I will forever be grateful for is I immediately had a lawyer draft a separation agreement, which is essentially a contract in which you agree on distribution of assets, pets, etc. that becomes enforceable after being signed and notarized. If that is an option in your state I'd highly recommend doing it and doing it fast. My STBX agreed to sign I think in part because he was feeling guilty, not sure he'd sign the same agreement now.

ERC, I’m sorry this happened. One thing that gets to me is that he was keeping you until he could see what happened with the OW. You were his Plan B. You deserve better than that.

Let him go! I agree with others that he will have to face reality eventually. During their A, it’s all exciting and hot secret sex. It’s about the risk. Well, let them have each other. Once everything is out in the open, the excitement will wear off and they’ll be 2 regular people who messed up their lives and hurt the people who loved them.

You won't ever trust him the same again. Ever. And every day that he continues the affair, is just more ground to cover if some kind of reconciliation occurs.

I know that hurts and isn't what you want to hear. That's why your body reacts so violently to this betrayal - because it is a permanent loss of the life and husband you knew.

You'll believe it someday. Until then, pretend to believe it. He has done irreversible harm. The quicker he wakes up to it, the less harm but he's not woke. He's moved all in. Comfort yourself (if you can) with the reality that any life with him will be full of distrust and pain.

It’s been one month since WH walked out the door and immediately went to AP. The only times he’s reached out is because he wants his things. Two weeks ago I put all of his things outside and told home to pick them up. Now he wants to meet sometime this week and I don’t know if I actually want to see him. On one hand I am scared he wants to tell me he is moving in with AP or wants to talk about divorce. I am scared because that means our marriage is really over. On the other hand I am still so pissed and grieving and I want to share my pain with him. I hate that he is still the person who I want to hug me and tell me everything will be ok. I am trying to come to grips with the fact that the man I loved is no longer there. Sometimes, in my really dark moments I wish the cancer had killed him. That would be easier than the hell I am currently going through. But then I hate myself for having those thoughts.

Please, please DO NOT meet with him.

Meet with a lawyer or two pronto. Even if you file, you can always stop it in the future if R is possible, which at this point I wouldn't trust this man ever again.

Don't give him the opportunity to hurt you again.

Stay NC (no contact) NC=No New Hurts

If you speak with him, without a doubt you will take a step backwards

If he contacts you again, simply say speak with my attorney.

Show him you can survive without him. If you see him, surely you will cry and he might see you as weak and pathetic. Your emotions are too raw right now.

[This message edited by annb at 1:01 AM, Monday, June 26th]