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Long ago I heard the expression "living inside a gilded cage." Can't recall who first coined the term (pun intended!)

Who else here has come to the conclusion that their life is being spent in a Gilded Cage? Share your stories please. Maybe we can see the fallacy of our decision process, or maybe we might find a bit of consolation that we made the right decision to stick with our wrecked marriage after infidelity.

Thanks in advance.

Are you referring to staying in a marriage for financial reasons? To maintain a certain lifestyle? I’m interpreting the term the way you are using to mean just that— a fancy expensive prison, but a prison nonetheless. Financially, it would have been a lot more comfortable for me to stay in my marriage. Psychologically, it would have destroyed me. When that reality clicked, when I pictured myself at 80 years old, looking back on my life, wishing I could do it over, that I could live authentically,… that was the moment I decided to divorce. I have never second-guessed that decision. Not once in the past 6 years.

I know you were looking for responses from those currently in that gilded cage, but I wanted to chime in, from the other side.

Picture yourself “dying in your bed, many years from now” (Braveheart quote), looking back on your life, factoring, in all of the circumstances, are you going to be glad you stayed all those years? Or are you going to wish you had made a different choice? Only you know the answer to that question.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 6:28 PM, Monday, November 27th]

It's not a cage if you can choose to leave it. You always have that choice.

You might not like what comes along with leaving it, but you don't have to stay there if you don't want to.

I would interpret the gilded cage as a very very nice prison but where you are trapped and cannot leave. You have all your creature comforts but no freedom.

In a bad marriage you still have your freedom and autonomy, you just have to be willing to exercise them.

Kind of ironic, but that what my xwh said our entire marriage was when he was rewriting history to suit his need to boff a teenager. That I had 'put him in a gilded cage' because I expected him to be something he wasn't (grown up? responsible? capable of doing basic chores?
Who can say?). And followed that nugget of wisdom with a soliloquy about how much his 18 yo ap 'got him' and some drivel about 'twin flames' and 'soul connections'. At least I think that's what he said, tbh my eye kinda started twitching after he sounded proud of the fact that a screwed up 18 yo kid 'got him'. Dunno bout you, but as a 37 year old grown ass woman, I wouldn't be bragging about it if an 18 yo kid 'got me' that well

A cage is a cage, no matter how shiny the bars. I lived a lot of my life in them, and I won't ever do so again.

I can understand the feeling but it is true that it is not a true cage for most of us BS. You CAN leave. There may be many very difficult things associated with that, but you do have the key. There are some— those with special needs kids, for example - who have more limited options. The issue is that our partners won’t help us leave with some of the trappings to be comfortable.

But I get the feeling. I am poorer than I was for sure, but the peace in my home, the end of walking on eggshells, those were worth the price I paid.

A gilded cage is still a cage.

My lifestyle has changed for sure following my divorce. But I have never, not for a minute, regretted it. You should see lawyers so you know what to expect and start to look for career changes or enhancements to cover those deficits. Staying while you have a plan for independence is much different than just sucking it up for the sake of bougie holidays is another. And don’t think for a second that you’re doing your kids any favors by staying- you’re not. The kids will absolutely pick up on tension and it’s just unrealistic to expect that you can live separate lives without them noticing. I tried to R for my kids, and ultimately I left for my kids. They were all aware of what transpired with their father and the subsequent false R. There was no juice worth that squeeze. Not financially or emotionally.

In a way, I am in a gilded cage. I know I could fly out, but life will be a lot harder. I became disabled during my WH's affair years, and I can't currently hold a job. Yes, he will have to pay support after 25 years, but our kid is in high school, and I don't want to move her, so our cost of living will double on his one salary, and it won't be enough to cover rent (assuming anyone will even rent to me since I have no employment).

I can risk divorce and hope I don't end up homeless with a teenager, or I can gut it out for a few years until the teen is an adult. WH is remorseful for now. There is always the glimmer of hope of a real R, though I'm not holding my breath. I have an exit plan, but it's not for another 4 years. Teen doesn't know about the affair (at least not that I'm aware of), and WH and I are not living separately. Everything looks outwardly the same.