SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t have any particular problem at the moment. We’re actually doing good - more ups than downs that’s for sure. But we’re in month 11 of dday#2 (I caught the very beginnings of an EA on 12/26/22) and I tell ya, it wasn’t the dday#2 itself that broke me - it was the re-traumatization I felt from dday#1. Dday#2 triggered TF out of me. Dday #1 was May/June 2012; WH had a 3mo EA/1 mo PA w/ an old HS classmate that he hadn’t had any contact with in 25 yrs - and then they reconnected on FB. We’d been married at that time for 16 years and I was absolutely BROKEN when this all happened. He filed for D, he got arrested, then decided he wanted to R - just a lot, lot, LOT of pain and trauma and years and years of healing to get to a place where I felt like myself again. And then 12/26/22 happened and I was just thrust back to 2012 and I know I’m still healing and working through triggers. My IC says I’m still not there yet. WH IC has been amazing - and WH progress has been remarkable. But you know I’m so jaded, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel "safe" again no matter how much "work" he does. We had a discussion yesterday about social media and digital transparency. He knows I have access to all his socials and his text messages. He asked me how long was I going to be the marriage police? He didn’t ask in a mean way - he was asking in a way that sounded like "please find a way to trust me again." And the fact is I DON’T WANT THAT JOB! I used to be obsessed with checking everything - then about 2 months ago I noticed I was checking less and less. I am DEFINITELY not like that member on here whose WH has her on the phone all day long. Heck no I do not want to be tethered like that to feel safe. The one thing that does make me feel safe and secure is when he talks about the future and will say things like "we are going to do this" or "we are going to travel to this place." He always says "we" and I notice and it matters to me. We’re not young anymore. I’m 56, he’s 52 and I tell ya, hard times can age a person. Depression, sadness, anxiety, all that crap that comes along with infidelity and betrayal can really do a number on your health. This place is a mixed bag - there are members who have successfully reconciled, some who successfully divorced, some who are doing IHS, some who are still trying to find their way out of infidelity, some who are reconciling and doing really well and probably many like me who are in reconciliation and still struggle with stuff. I still can’t sleep well, I know my health has been affected because I can feel it. That stress and anxiety and everything you go through when you’ve been betrayed - it’s hard on you. This post isn’t asking for anything in particular; I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who have shared your stories, bared your souls, talked us (me) off the ledge, gave us (me) hope, said it was going to be okay one way or the other. Be it as a R’d couple or a D’d couple - the goal is still to get out of infidelity. I visit SI every day. Every day. Sometimes I think, okay I need a break because let’s be honest some of the stories are so sad and painful - and some are downright scary. Betrayal, infidelity - that was a gift I wish I never would have received. But finding SI was the best thing to happen to me. I wish I would have found this back in 2012. I know I would have done so many things differently back then. I’m a much stronger Blackbird - this I KNOW. I have all of YOU to thank for that. So maybe this post is a post of thanksgiving (4 days late lol). I know I don’t contribute much - but I’m here, every day, supporting you, grieving with you, sharing in your pain, praying that you’ll find a way through the betrayal. Honestly this is the best bunch of anonymous "friends" I’ve ever had!!

BB

SI gave me the strength and knowledge to do what I needed to do when it was time to D. I appreciate those who have helped me on my journey.

The fact that he asked "how long" you will be checking his social media means he still doesn’t get it.

And maybe never will.

I don’t check my H’s social media b/c he’s not on anything but LinkedIn and rarely uses it.

However I don’t need to check anything - if I ever have a suspicion he knows there is no conversation. I’m done and we will proceed right to D.

I hope you get to a better place. I have to say when I stopped putting him and the marriage first and started putting me first, my happiness increased and my anxiety decreased.