SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For the most part my ex and I dont talk anymore. We text about logistics for the kids but we're not friends. We don't see each other unless necessary like during a kid switch. The only other thing we do together is stuff for the kids like sports or concerts and doctors visits. My younger son had his well visit yesterday. So the three of us are in the waiting room for a while and we're playing and talking with him. Playing eye spy and he's hiding and all that. I can tell he's so happy to have us both there. I tried to be present and frankly, it was a nice time. It felt like we were a family again. Enjoying each other's company.

It makes me hurt and angry like what was so wrong with us that she didn't want that and did the thing she did.

Ultimately, if I really tried, I could put everything aside in those moments when we are all together for the sake of my kids. I could do my best to have a good time and give them that joy. Could I probably get to a point of just friendship with no animosity? Yes.

But how the fuck is that fair?

She blows up up my life and destroys my soul and she gets what she wants out of everything and I have to be the bigger person and take it on the chin?

I know its possible things blow up for her. I hope it does. I wish it will. I expect it will. I'm afraid and scared it won't.

But yea, I feel like I need to be the bigger person but it's so hard.

Do you know what is the biggest predictor of future behavior? Past behavior. Unless she digs deep and changes her pattern of behavior, she's going to repeat.

There is no justice with infidelity. It sucks and it isn't fair.

Sorry you're feeling this, HAB.

Hey H&B, I hear you. I haven't read your backstop, or at least I don't think I have, but I'll check. I just wanted to respond that I hear you. The sense of injustice is profound. I can't speak to your or even all situations, but the WS seldom gets everything they want. You will get through this.

No answers for you, just fellowship.

I too, even now that I’ve moved well on, still wonder how you can be someone’s best friend, "One And Only", "Forever And A Day" etc, etc terms of undying devotion poured out to you in countless verbal declarations, greetings, goodbyes, letters, texts, pillow talk, valentines, anniversary, birthday, Christmas and "just because" cards, over the years, DECADES. The big wedding, the vows, doubling down on your devotion by having a child together, then another, and another, TRIPLING down on your devotion and commitment in the most intimate way possible, living in constant fear that something out of your control might tear you apart like cancer, an accident, a disaster, and then…

Bub-Byee, I’m out, sorry-not sorry, see ya, done with you.

It’s absolutely mind blowing. 25 years of "I can’t live without you…I want to be buried beside you" suddenly gone in a seeming instant. For me, it was in an instant. No foreshadowing. No decline. It was like one of those scenes in a movie where a bus comes out of nowhere and slams away the main character leaving only the shoes behind.

Don’t stare too long at the scene, the shoes in the street, wondering why. Life is too short.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:34 AM, Sunday, February 4th]

It’s not fair. Nowhere close.

Also, you don’t have to be friends with her. It’s important to be able to coparent in a way that’s healthy for the kids, and that will likely involve being in the same space together and being able to make it about the kids, not your issues with her, but you don’t have to be friends with someone who betrayed you and treated you as badly as she did.

In my experience, it’s always the cheater who breaks the relationship who wants everyone to be friends after the fact. It’s selfishness on their part; they don’t want to face the fact that they’ve devastated someone they vowed to love. In your shoes I think it’s important to get to a place of peace and acceptance and moving on, and the kids’ well-being should be first priority, but you don’t have to be friends.

HB,

None of this is fair. It royally sucks. Your life ended through no fault of your own.

I chose to stay for my kids. My fWW did not love me at the time, and I did not love her. I took a bite of the shit sandwich every day for years.

For me, and me only, this was the right decision. I do not regret that decision-my kids came out great. They are totally in the dark on the A, and I plan to take that secret to the grave. Like you, my kids were little when she blew up my life.

On what life was like-I would come home from work, spend time with the boys, help with homework, watch TV as a family. Once kids were in bed, I would go to master bedroom to watch Tv, she watched in the living room. We were FWB, (a friend I did not trust).

For me, the kids were more important than she or I. I was willing to sacrifice my happiness for them. In fairness, FWW was too We were both unhappy for a long time, but did it for the kids.

I would urge you to bite that shit sandwich. The kids are the most innocent victims of the A, so protect them as much as possible.

Hope you can pick out a nugget from my fucked up story.

I know its possible things blow up for her. I hope it does. I wish it will. I expect it will. I'm afraid and scared it won't.

This is what resentment is.

No criticism meant, this shit is hard. However, if we let this fester, it causes us problems down the road.

Then, we inadvertently take it out on others, who don't deserve it.

How do I know that?

That is what my FWS did to me. It was only after years of counseling that she "got it" and realized what she was doing, and what she had done. After this came to light, and the source of it, we still had/have issues. But she understands quicker that she's doing it.

I knew someone that told me something similar, that she and her sister had burned through 3 and 5 marriages respectively, before they realized how angry they were at their mother and father.

Letting go of the anger, living your best life, accepting what you cannot change, healing yourself, that is critical.

Having been here so long I know I’m sharing a story I have shared repeatedly:
Years ago – like… wow… 30 years or so… - the CEO of a software startup I founded with some friends embezzled and stole nearly all our funds.
It was really tough. Only a month before we discovered the embezzling a large competitor had asked about buying our company. Wife and I had been looking at houses to buy with the expected profit. Then suddenly, the offer is withdrawn. We discover the embezzlement when the CEO stops coming to work or answering our calls. Our attorney told us that we could press charges and sue him, but that would take years and even if we won (very likely) our costs would exceed any potential repayment.
Then we discover he’s on the board for the competitor… And the competitor shortly later rolls out a software version with the feature that made our version unique. Again – our attorney told us that he had been sending the CEO memo’s reminding him to finish the paperwork for the patents we were going to apply for…
Long story short, I bought out my partners, sold all assets and assumed some debt that I then paid off over the next 2-3 years. To do that my wife and I rented a dingy small apartment, I worked several jobs, we drove a single beater-car and we didn’t take holidays or spend money on anything other than paying debt.

Every morning I would go to the curb outside the apartment and wait for my ride to work. On the other side of the bay, I could see the large house the former CEO lived in. I would look at the house and think about what I would do to him if I caught him alone, how I could possibly wreck his pristine image and how I wished him pain and misery. How unfair it was that I was living in a small apartment while he was in a mansion, I was hitching a ride with a coworker while he drove an Audi.
Then my coworker would pick me up and we would head for work…

After a couple of months my coworker asked me why I was always so grumpy during the ride. I’m generally a cheerful and optimistic person, but during the ride I was Mr. Negative. I realized that I was letting the CEO – my nemesis – affect me and live rent-free in my brain.

I started doing this:
When I looked over the bay and saw his house I started thinking "Wow… Poor guy. Sold his honor, integrity, and soul for some cash. Lost four friends and tarnished his reputation to a large group simply for some green. Poor guy. I pity him."
With time I turned my anger to pity.
Pity is a strange emotion… It’s maybe a level below compassion. You can pity someone and show them compassion, but if someone is in a pitiful situation and then choses to remain there… your pity turns into distain, and eventually you sort-of give up on them.

At the very least – he stopped living rent-free in my mind.

A couple of karma-issues:
I was in good contact with the bank-manager who handled my personal- and company debt. I made each payment, and even managed to pay the debt off sooner than I had originally negotiated. I think I gained his respect, because about a month after my last payment he called me to let me know the bank had foreclosed on a house and offered me the option of buying it at the price of the outstanding debt – maybe 60-70% of market-value. It’s the home I still live in – over 25 years later.

About 5-7 years ago the CEO of my present place of work asked me about the former cheating CEO. Turns out he was on the short-list of possible CFO’s for the company. I told the CEO my side of my story, and was clear that this was MY side. If asked the old CEO might have a totally different story. But I asked that if he got the job then I would be allowed to not work in any way or form with or report to him. He didn’t get the job.

When I looked over the bay and saw his house I started thinking "Wow… Poor guy. Sold his honor, integrity, and soul for some cash. Lost four friends and tarnished his reputation to a large group simply for some green. Poor guy. I pity him."
With time I turned my anger to pity.
Pity is a strange emotion… It’s maybe a level below compassion. You can pity someone and show them compassion, but if someone is in a pitiful situation and then choses to remain there… your pity turns into distain, and eventually you sort-of give up on them.

This is particularly resonating, so thank you.

I've heard from friends that's shes been leaning into the victim role.

I do feel some pity for her but need to work on it.

This should be a big reason why you don't want to talk to your STBXWW for "closure". She is going to spin up some nonsense about how you were not a good husband and how she "had to" cheat to find happiness. You can't fix crazy and even worse it can be contagious, so don't let her crazy-making affect you!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 2:48 AM, Wednesday, February 7th]

But how the fuck is that fair?

She blows up up my life and destroys my soul and she gets what she wants out of everything and I have to be the bigger person and take it on the chin?

I feel this soooooooo much! My STBXH lives with his AP, living the life I wanted and had, and I have to suffer through dating again in my 40s. He gets to destroy my life and suffers almost no repercussions for his actions, while I did nothing wrong and have to rebuild my life with significant effort in the hopes of getting back what I already built once.

I've done nothing to get revenge, been the bigger person, and it hasn't gotten me anything. On the other hand, I don't feel guilty and didn't end up in jail. Still, it sucks.

531-

I haven't been on a here for a long time, as my DD was 7 yrs ago and I've moved on to a much better, and I know you will too. What you've said about the unfairness will never go away. How can Karma ever make up for what the exWW has done to you and your family. Its never fair, and nothing will ever come close to being fair. In my case, I had to pay her alimony and give her half the assets when I was the primary bread winner even though she had a six figure job. I still pay her child support and have some more years left.

But here's the thing, regardless of where your exww ends up, if she gets with the AP or not, you will not be any lower than your Dday, and you've already started to surface. It cant be worst, and it will only get better. Fair or not, your life will continue to improve. I'm not friends with my wife, even though her and her family are always trying to pretend to be friends with us and talk to us at the kids games, I just keep my distance. Their self image and validation has nothing to do with me. I'm happy, I've moved on and it will never be fair. 5 yrs down the road, no one will want to take sides so you just have to take the lump now and move on, knowing that things will only get better for you if you don't allow yourself to lie in self pity.

I'm remarried now. My new Wife is 1000% better than my ex. My kids love my new wife, and they love being with us, at my house. We go on amazing vacations together, have great family time together and we are a new happy family unit. I know that's not the case at my exww's house, and she is still with the AP after all these years, but guess what, it no longer matters. Fair or not, I have a happy life. If not for my exWW, I would have never have found my new wife. You don't need to thank your ex, or to even be friends with her, but know that fair or not, things will improve for you. Keep your eye on that, and your children and return in 5 yrs to let us know how great you're doing. No one will give a shit about your fairness, so you just have to go and find a new happy life to live.