SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been dealing with my husbands infidelity for a couple of years now. The fact that he did it again when given another chance made it worse.... We were trying to work it out but the way he carries himself is just so disrespectful.... We went to the mall and when he goes shopping its like a full blown shopping spree. He gets to Macys Cologne counter and starts buying all kinds of bottles. The girls at the counter flock of course... like whoses this dude plus I know they make commission... well I said that enough. One of the women got his phone number and texted him that the next time he was in to let her know... When I saw the text I flipped. He played it off... I get it she's working but he should not be carrying himself like that. His past infidelities don't help. Do you know how many men would love my number?

Flash forward to 2 days ago... my daughters really sick. I told him to take her to get a toy since she was stuck in the house. Again shopping spree, he doesn't know how to budget which drives me nuts. So my daughter comes home and he goes to work. Later on in the night she's talking about some lady who lost her brother. I was very confused. My husband comes home early and I start asking him questions... mind you the lady was the cashier. He than goes into this whole story about how he knew her whole family and they call her mom or her mom called on FaceTime! I am like wait what... she is working as a cashier answering a FaceTime call? How did you have enough time to go through all of this at the register... how did it get this deep. I am like did you get her number... I got upset Because obiovulsy I cannot trust him. I told him I was going to put the same energy out there that he puts out there. When I go to the store people try to talk to me all the time and I curb it, because I am married and have no interest. But to me it sounds like he has an interest. So next time Ill start entertaining it like you do! Well he threw his ring at me and told me we are done.... this time I cried, but not that much. I have not given in. Since we are done I am not cooking, cleaning, handling his businesses back office stuff or doing anything for him. I told him he takes no accountability for his actions and that he disrespects me all the time. Every time there's females doesn't matter if they are good looking or not he comes off as a flirt. I remember going to this one store and the girl kept eyeing him... it seemed like she was trying to figure out who I was. She looked amazed that I had a baby with me. He would always go in there to by shoes, but I was not always there with him... its sad... this is what life has become. We have not talked since yesterday, I am trying my hardest to stay strong but its hard. Normally I apologize and I know its a trauma bond that I am trying to break. Its sad because he has isolated me.I have no friends and do not talk to family anymore because he fought with them and it got pretty bad....

[This message edited by BrokenAngel12 at 11:57 PM, Thursday, March 14th]

Hi, Broken, I'm so so sorry.

Your husband apparently isn't interested in changing, is it possible for you to find a good counselor to figure out WHY you are willing to put up with his disrespect. He's loving the attention from other women, please don't give in and put up with his sh*t one more second.

do not talk to family anymore because he fought with them

^^^Oh, hell no, please reach out for support, maybe a family member who is willing to listen.

He's got you so isolated, please, please come up with a plan to protect you and your children.

Since we are done I am not cooking, cleaning, handling his businesses back office stuff or doing anything for him

^^^Kudos to you, a great first step.

Sending a virtual hug....

First of all, sending you a big hug.

Good for you for no longer doing his cooking and cleaning. Put your energy into taking caring care of yourself and your daughter.

He sounds very selfish and needing attention. Flirting isn't something he should be doing especially after having an affair.

Don't let him isolate you from friends and family. You need support from people that care about you.

Can you go to counseling?

Thank you guys. I have already done counseling to get over the affairs that both occurred while I was pregnant. I have learned to set boundaries... This is a huge step for me. I feel alone and just want to cry but I am trying so hard to keep it together. I know its a trauma bound... we have been together 15 years... he has manipulated the crap out of me constantly. I am just done. I wish I could curl up in a ball and just hide from the world at times...I feel like he ruined my whole life... with this fairytale idea. For Christmas he bought a book to write in for me, I mean onto of other things... He use to write me love notes... He barely wrote it in twice. It sat there for a while and I looked at it as emotional abuse. Especially because I asked him to start back to basics, which meant the small things...the other night he's like have you even looked at the book I was like for what you don't really write it in. He told me he wrote in it a lot. So he went to work, I opened the book and cried.... he didn't. He had the one from xmas and valentines day... which I am not sure if he added a little bit but nothing like he was talking about. I just don't know how I got myself in this situation. I have a good jobs its not like I cannot support my kids but I just love him more than he loves me and his actions have shown that I was just a pawn in his game to build.

You might just be afraid of the unknown. It’s like a child being afraid to open the closet door because a monster might be in there. I think every one of us on SI had to deal with fear. For you the unknown door might open to nights of good sleep or no trying to police his secrets. What you will probably get is an easier life.
I think there are some people not meant for marriage. Whatever gives them permission to mistreat their loved ones in impossible to overcome.
You might want to look at some books that discuss cheating and how to make a healthy decision.

I know you feel broken, and it feels like you are alone. But I am perpetually amazed at how people reach back when I reach out.

A first step is to think about who you were once close to. Maybe a family member. Maybe a friend. Rebuild a network.

Another step is to remember that you are the prize… the Angel. If he cannot value you, consider what your exit plan would be. AI am not saying to leave. I am saying that there is power for you in knowing you can. Figure out how. Imagine it.

I had a plan. I took time to squirrel away an emergency cash fund. I built a plan for how I could make it on my own. When my spouse realized I was not trapped and that I really was serious about leaving, he had to face the reality of what it would mean if I left. More importantly, having that plan made me strong. I felt less broken.

We did reconcile, but he knows, even now, that I am not afraid to leave him.

I know your situation is different. It sounds to me like he is still gaslighting you. He is not showing any empathy for the pain he causes you.

Those are red flags.

Keep posting. We are here for you. We are listening, and you are not alone.

Let me get this straight, he already has cheated a few times, and then he gets at least two girls phone numbers?

No.

Me personally, if my WW ever meets a new guy and texts/FT him, that is the end of our relationship. I made a boundary, other than her family. She no longer can text any guy unless it’s a group text that includes both me and their wife, and if she wants to meet new guy friends she can, as a single mom.

You are being played by a master player. He could change, but I doubt it. You are still in the relationship where he should be thankful to even have the chance, and his thanks is to flirt, continue cheating, get phone numbers.

I am sorry, he isn’t a good person for any relationship, I feel like you should stick up for yourself. I’m sorry that you have a daughter with him. Ask yourself, would you want her to be with a man like him? Would you want her to be treated like you are?