SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I write this in this forum because I know that a lot of people choosing to remain married and give R a go, struggle with personal healing and long term hope.

I’m… (I had to think about it and count on my fingers the years) over 6 years out from Dday.

Last night something triggered me slightly, and when I say trigger, I mean that moment when you stop and evaluate how things are going, you then wonder why you did that and realise your life, in some ways, is mirroring your life pre affair.

Let me explain: the year before dday my career was starting to take off. 18 months prior I was promoted to management and suddenly I was pulled from pillar to post and doing things that I enjoyed much more including travelling around the UK and staying in hotels from time to time. This was giving me some "me" time as I could spend an evening with myself, reading, having dinner with colleagues or alone, having a bath and falling asleep in the middle of the bed. This was a luxury as my kids were still relatively young at the time and between cajoling them to do their school work, exams, extracurricular activities, making dinner, spending time with WH and a full time job, I could barely catch my breath. So yeah… me time.

And then BAM! When I thought I could have it all, as hectic as our lives were, DDAY. My WH, the same one that I was felling sorry for for working too hard, was having an affair. Those nights I was away in hotels enjoying some time for myself, my WH was also excited about me not being around as he could spend his time on WhatsApp with ow.

So anyway here I am today. My career really did take off and I am now in a high profile role, head of a dept with a team under me, in a high profile organisation. I need to attend a conference soon and I caught myself last night looking forward to some "me" time. I imagined my kindle, a nice glass of wine with a nice meal in a hotel restaurant and no interruption, no worries, just me. Exciting!

I then realise that a year or two ago the thought of leaving my WH alone over night would have freaked me out. But now, today I just don’t really care. Yes the circumstances are similar, he could spend the evening on WhatsApp having an affair again and yet I don’t feel anxious at all. It is all to do with taking my power back. I’ve worked so hard to remind myself how much I’m worth, if he wants to cheat he’ll cheat but that doesn’t change my worth and my capacity to get him out of my life.

At the beginning of this year I have also travelled with my dd, now 16, without WH. In the past (post dday) when I had to leave home overnight, the thought that my dd was there soothed me. This time she came with me and he was home alone. I was so worried I’d stress and end up glued to Life360 whilst in another country. But we had a blast, I had no clue where WH was (in the nicest way, I just did not check his location), I didn’t feel the need to track him or check up on him in any way, we had so much fun dd and I, and I was not anxious about where he may be.

Most importantly, whilst pre affair I didn’t check up on him due to my naivety and 100% trust, this time I feel like I get to live my life with my eyes fully open knowing that the risk is there, knowing that he could cheat, but also knowing my power.

So if you’re reading this: there’s hope, you will be whole again. You will reach a point where your quality of life is more important than where your spouse is or what he/she may be up to. Take your power back, remind yourself of your worth and the rest will come.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 5:48 PM, Thursday, April 25th]

Thank you for this. I really needed to hear this. I am working on taking my power back. I say to myself every day…. I am strong, I am smart. I am brave, I am Worthy. I hope if I keep repeating that one day I will truly believe it.

Most importantly, whilst pre affair I didn’t check up on him due to my naivety and 100% trust, this time I feel like I get to live my life with my eyes fully open knowing that the risk is there, knowing that he could cheat, but also knowing my power.

Take your power back, remind yourself of your worth and the rest will come.

Brava!

This is how I operate, too. It's so freeing. We can't control another person, so we may as will live our best lives and decide to deal with situations if/when they arise.

I often travel with my best friend, and I rarely do more than a simple check-in with my H to let him know that I'm alive, if I even do that. We don't call. We barely text. And we're both happy to have a little time apart to do what we like without having to consider the other.

Two snaps up!!

Wine glass raised to you!

Slight t/j - because I get it 100%. We have similar timelines. WH this weekend is off for a guys weekend. And...no anxiety - no worries - no apprehension. I plan on going to dinner with some girlfriends, getting some chores done, and another night getting carryout, reading my kindle and having a glass of wine. I will indulge in a long hot shower, face mask and deep conditioner on my hair. I know my worth and my power.

But you are so right! And I'm really glad you came here to say it.

Cheers!

Thanks for contributing all.

Chaos well done to you too enjoying some me time. You probably know best the level of PTSD I experienced back then and how I needed to know his every move 24/7 more so due to dday 2.

Yes Luna10 - I do. I get it. I feel it. I live(d) it. So my self care weekend is a Triumph of sorts for me.

I'm still in occasional IC due to it.

While the PTSD rears it ugly head occasionally - I no longer let it define me. I don't let it cripple me. And it doesn't get to live rent free in my head.

My wine is currently chilling in anticipation. I shall raise a glass to you.

I was with you until you said you enjoyed traveling with a 16 year old. Now I'm worried about both of you. OTOH, maybe enjoying being with one's 16 year old is a true test of healing....

*****

Sorry. Sometimes I can't help myself.

*****

Oh, NO! You just reminded me that our GS is about to turn 15!

LOVE THIS!!! Thanks for sharing !!!

I’ve worked so hard to remind myself how much I’m worth, if he wants to cheat he’ll cheat but that doesn’t change my worth and my capacity to get him out of my life.

It's sort of like "The Wizard of Oz"...where Dorothy had the power to go home all along...she just had to find out for herself . I always knew my worth...but it sure took a HIT on Dday. The vets on here kept telling me...but I wasn't listening...until one day I understood . My H's A was NEVER about ME...it was always about HIM and his selfishness...I was just collateral damage.

My CORE is intact . My WORTH is golden . My INTEGRITY is flawless!! I'm downright FABULOUS !!!

So if you’re reading this: there’s hope, you will be whole again.

AMEN !!!

Thanks Luna! I am happy you have reached this point. It’s been a journey to get there, and I have always appreciated your posts because as a fellow class of 2017 you were always instrumental in helping me navigate helping my husband. You deserve all the happiness you can get!

Luna congratulations! I know how amazing it is when you catch yourself more healed than you thought possible. In case someone’s running some numbers on how many get to this point I feel this way too. Our relationship is still "complicated" at times but as far as feeling like I need 100% certainty of his his whereabouts to feel certain there’s no cheating I definitely feel I can check that box.

Pre-cheating I used to alway think "when the cats away the mouse will play!!" whenever my husband travelled. It wasn’t about my engaging in sketchy behavior, I just loved having a few nights where I didn’t have to have a debate about the thermostat or be reminded that having ice cream for dinner was a bad idea.

Of course post-cheating I couldn’t really enjoy that time alone…for many years. Now eight years out it’s back to that same fun feeling. Me time! without the worry. I am grateful my husband’s total transparency has helped make that a reality. Also a lot of work on myself.

We still fight sometimes but the trust factor is very different. We got in a big fight last Friday and he apparently went off in a huff and drove all around for several hours blowing off steam. I didn’t even know he had done it until we talked the next day. I think he might have even been a little offended that I didn’t track his location. But he was happy too. These changes can take sooo long it is really gratifying to get to that point.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 9:00 PM, Friday, April 26th]

I was with you until you said you enjoyed traveling with a 16 year old. Now I'm worried about both of you. OTOH, maybe enjoying being with one's 16 year old is a true test of healing....

I found that if you throw money at them and take them to nice places they turn from snotty teens to mummy’s little darlings in no time.

It’s been a journey to get there, and I have always appreciated your posts because as a fellow class of 2017 you were always instrumental in helping me navigate helping my husband.

It truly has been a journey and this forum has been key in my healing. Likewise, I remember you and I being on the opposite "benches" (at the time) and avidly reading your posts hoping my WH does the same level of deep diving you were willing to do into the whys of his affair. In a lot of ways your posts did trigger good conversations between us and enabled me to hold him accountable to his work but also find some empathy during our toughest times.

I know how amazing it is when you catch yourself more healed than you thought possible.

Exactly that! It took me by surprise as I never thought it possible. I remember how, when WH begged for me to at least let him try to see if he can win me back, I asked him how does he think we’ll function in the future. How does a relationship without trust work. Will he always send me pictures of meetings and work events to demonstrate where he is? Always ensure my calls are answered? Even in 20 years’ time? He responded with "yes, if that what it’s needed I’ll do it till the day I die".

I remember feeling so disillusioned, I had never been jealous, never felt the need to check up on him, it felt surreal to constantly verify he’s telling the truth. Until the day one of us died. I thought it will never work.

Like yours, I think my WH is slightly confused. To be fair he stuck to his promise. He rarely goes out with his work team and when he does he makes excuses and sends me pictures. Location is always on. He never missed one of my calls since then. I do think he truly understood my ptsd and took ownership of making sure I wouldn’t feel unsafe again. He can sense I don’t need it at this granular level anymore and in that sense I do appreciate even more he isn’t dropping the ball.

Happy healing everyone!

Luna, how do you balance your feelings for your husband vs your letting go of not worrying about whether he is having an affair?

Do you feel a part of you has kept him slightly at arms length, to protect yourself incase of another A? Or have you completely taken down every wall and are still able to know you will be ok if he had another affair?

I worry that the two can't co-exist 😔

Do you feel a part of you has kept him slightly at arms length, to protect yourself incase of another A?

That’s a good question, one that made me pause to evaluate the best answer.

I think I see personal healing as separate from my relationship with my husband. So regardless if we reconciled, I needed to heal and then one day risk being cheated on again in another relationship. Healing would have meant taking similar steps even if divorcing, steps that ensured I felt safe regardless of what my partner chose to do. (For me this included financial independence, hobbies and friends).

When it comes to my husband I don’t think I keep him at arms length (although I did for a long period) and the reason I don’t anymore is because if you would ask me today if I think he’ll cheat again the answer would be no. The man he was prior to the affair and the work he put in post dday to understand why he chose to have an affair are leading me to believe that he wouldn’t go there again.

But get this: I know that there is a chance he might. The same way that any new partner I would have had could have cheated on me. The truth is that the betrayal risk was and is always there. In every relationship. The issue, at least in my case, was that I lost sight of that and decided to become financially and emotionally reliant on another human being.

You can love without giving up your power. You can love fully today even if you know that tomorrow your heart may be broken. As long as your safety comes from within, you will be fine.