SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been a torrid week for reasons unrelated to my affair.

As a slight back story, since my A I have been rather quick to lose my temper and become frustrated/downright abusive.

I have made assurances and promises that these behaviours wouldn't be repeated but I have found myself doing just that...repeating the anger, demonstrating a total lack of respect and have always chipped it down to my BSs behaviour (feeling though I'm not being heard, name calling and the perceived lack of respect when being spoken to).

Now this morning whilst sat on the loo I came to realise why, why I have been so angry and why I am struggling to really control this upset.

It's my sense of loss, the loss that i created for myself but feel almost free of any blame for such a thing as if it wasnt my fault!

The loss of the life i knew before hand, the loss of a happy wife, the loss of intimacy, the loss of the respect and likely so much more.

This isn't acceptable, it is entitled it is selfish and it is not conducive to me being a good person. I recognise in myself that this needs to change, throughout I have thought to myself "I've got this, I'll just walk away and be more inquisitive" when arguments/problems arise but I've realised I have fallen into a slight trap in that these thoughts are when in a good place...for when we are good we are good so when it goes wrong it goes very wrong!!!

Im listening to an audio book about how to "unfuck" yourself and it talks about what you have to be willing and unwilling to do to achieve what you want in life and I have been saying to myself how I am unwilling to get angry, unwilling to not listen but more importantly I am willing to change.

So, my question to the WS out here, how do you deal with your sense of loss? How do you process this to become the better you??
How do you keep the momentum going and not fall into the trap of believing you are now in good spot so dont have to read or continue your own self discovery??

Any help would be truly appreciated

Hi Tiny-

This is good insight, and often when we learn what our patterns are or how we are holding onto things that don’t serve us, change becomes easier. Self awareness is nothing to fear, yet I think many of us do.

Yes the consequences of our actions are hard to manage. And our relationship with ourselves gets reflected in our relationships with others. You resent yourself for doing this to yourself but I think you are spilling that resentment on your wife. I think it’s also painful when we know we have failed them and ourselves and it’s difficult to move past those feelings because our ego doesn’t want to admit "weakness". It’s not weakness, but that’s how the ego interprets it/

We sometimes want to knock down those around us because their goodness reminds us of what we are not. It’s easier to blame others and we resent them for their lack of agreement.

So the good news is reaching a realization is the hard part because it’s hard to see ourselves clearly. All you need to do from here is as you do it, you need to be aware of it and change the thought.

Our thoughts guide our emotions and behavior, so if you can become mindful over what it is you are thinking you can have a little talk with yourself. Before long you will find that it’s more automatic.

I also think being proactive and succeeding will start a seed of hope that can grow if it’s nurtured. The way things are now your wife and you are feeling hopeless. You need to start picturing how you want life to be and align yourself with that. I also think therapy is helpful.

The power of now by Eckhardt Tolle helped me change the way I think, and helped me to realize how unreliable thoughts can be. We are not our thoughts, yet a ws I mentioned they build us in almost every single way.

Loss means you had something worth having. Time to get out of your way and feel like you are worth having it again, this time more intelligently.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:45 PM, Tuesday, September 10th]

This is a great post. Thank you for sharing it. I know that feeling of loss all too well. Loss of trust and personal integrity, especially.

Those early days were truly a tightrope walk. Trying to balance showing empathy and remorse toward my BW while trying to make myself heard, plus dealing with my own crap, wondering how I managed to fuck everything up so completely.

This was where my therapist was invaluable. I saw him once a week in the early going and he became my sounding board, no matter how crazy it was. It was a safe space for me to vent while he gave tough love. That tough love enabled me to change my thoughts, as Hiking Out put it.

My biggest struggle was cutting out the negative self-talk. "Im a piece of shit" was my mantra, even before cheating, and was like Spinal Tap turn-it-up-to-11 after. I was able to turn that corner in IC by exploring the ways I was hurt as a kid and how I was continuing to punish myself for things that weren't my fault. It helped me eventually learn to forgive, NOT excuse, myself for the absolute shit mess I made by cheating. Being able to do that broke down so many other interior barriers.

I think a professional's touch would really help you.

Hi Tiny-

This is good insight, and often when we learn what our patterns are or how we are holding onto things that don’t serve us, change becomes easier. Self awareness is nothing to fear, yet I think many of us do.

I rather enjoy delving into myself awareness and trying to find better ways to improve myself however I often find myself struggling and hit blockers to this. Much like now, it feels very much that I recognise the shittiness in my actions and strive to improve these and change etc but then I reach a certain point and get stuck. Once I find direction though I do feel that I can then make some waves.

Yes the consequences of our actions are hard to manage. And our relationship with ourselves gets reflected in our relationships with others. You resent yourself for doing this to yourself but I think you are spilling that resentment on your wife. I think it’s also painful when we know we have failed them and ourselves and it’s difficult to move past those feelings because our ego doesn’t want to admit "weakness". It’s not weakness, but that’s how the ego interprets it/

We sometimes want to knock down those around us because their goodness reminds us of what we are not. It’s easier to blame others and we resent them for their lack of agreement.

I totally agree, I find that when we argue or disagree I find myself drawing out her mannerisms and the way she speaks to me. It is me trying to get her sometimes to stop as I do really feel she is shooting some low blows but other times I have been just vicious and have said some truly scornful things.

I hope that I can change this aspect and i do want her to see a more consistent sincere side to me as this is what I desperately want without any horrible events.

So the good news is reaching a realization is the hard part because it’s hard to see ourselves clearly. All you need to do from here is as you do it, you need to be aware of it and change the thought.

Indeed, I need to find that pause button...the one which can be activated in the times when i feel frustrated or disrespected that screams "stop" and to be more inquisitive as to why she feels that particular way. I think I can find it in me, I heard something today which pretty much sums up my situation "expect nothing, accept everything" and it couldn't be more right. I have a lot of expectations, but I should just accept this situation and then choose to thrive in it to achieve what it is that I want. Simply a happy life with a loving family around me and being a decent human being who is respectful and kind. Something that I have lost over the last decade or so.

I also think being proactive and succeeding will start a seed of hope that can grow if it’s nurtured. The way things are now your wife and you are feeling hopeless. You need to start picturing how you want life to be and align yourself with that. I also think therapy is helpful.

The power of now by Eckhardt Tolle helped me change the way I think, and helped me to realize how unreliable thoughts can be. We are not our thoughts, yet a ws I mentioned they build us in almost every single way.

Loss means you had something worth having. Time to get out of your way and feel like you are worth having it again, this time more intelligently.

I have just downloaded the tolle book, that's me for the next few days and will then give Shame another hit.....got 5 chapters in but the narrator was just painful.

Thanks again for your insight....Hikingout for the win!

This is a great post. Thank you for sharing it. I know that feeling of loss all too well. Loss of trust and personal integrity, especially.

Personal integrity!!!! Yes, I was always very self-righteous and held myself in such a way that i judged those who had affairs and treated their spouses terribly.... all whilst treating her terribly!!!

Those early days were truly a tightrope walk. Trying to balance showing empathy and remorse toward my BW while trying to make myself heard, plus dealing with my own crap, wondering how I managed to fuck everything up so completely.

Yepppppp, it is a tight rope. I at times find myself tumbling off at great speed.....just wanting to be heard is truly pathetic when actually I think she has already heard me enough and is fully aware of my actions enough to hear my shittery at least and form her own opinions be they right or wrong.

This was where my therapist was invaluable. I saw him once a week in the early going and he became my sounding board, no matter how crazy it was. It was a safe space for me to vent while he gave tough love. That tough love enabled me to change my thoughts, as Hiking Out put it.

My biggest struggle was cutting out the negative self-talk. "Im a piece of shit" was my mantra, even before cheating, and was like Spinal Tap turn-it-up-to-11 after. I was able to turn that corner in IC by exploring the ways I was hurt as a kid and how I was continuing to punish myself for things that weren't my fault. It helped me eventually learn to forgive, NOT excuse, myself for the absolute shit mess I made by cheating. Being able to do that broke down so many other interior barriers.

I think a professional's touch would really help you.

I have tried a few ICs now, frankly all have been less than useful and I feel they just say what I want to hear. I have gained more from my BS and Hiking out then I have them. I feel it's mostly down to the style of IC they are.....goal focused.

I'm grateful for your words of wisdom and insight.

Oh- I haven’t listened to the audio version. If it’s Tolle himself, I get it ;-)

It sounds like you have the desire and you are working to connect the dots. Let us know how it goes. I am rooting for you to become the man this woman deserves. She has truly endured so much. Make it worth it, every day.

I'll be honest it's a rather hard listen, mainly because every so often little symbols clang in a high pitch tone....its good mind albeit a little difficult for me to relate too. I'll keep going mind as the reviews are good.

I also realised this morning when I woke up how i also have seemingly wanted to just start from a clean slate all these times, rather than just dealing with what's in front of me.

BS has had a lot going on this last week or two and yesterday bought up the whole "I know your lying and still hiding stuff" along with pointing out how I haven't changed in anyway. This usually really bothers me and I get all uppity and wound up but seeing it from her point of view and realising all she has been through it's no surprise she feels that way. I just cant help her though, equally she doesnt want to help herself as she says she doesnt want to process any of this because it's just gaslighting herself especially given how she knows (her gut instinct) that I am still lying. So stuck in a cycle it seems so all I can do is empathise and reassure but it doesnt really fix that issue.

Thanks again

Hi Tiny,

I once read on here that these realisations "just happen". I read a lot and listened a lot but did not truly take much to heart. As I've said previously, I found ways to differentiate myself from other posters. "I'm not like X as he did Y, so that does not apply to me". Weirdly, it is kinda true. I needed to go through and inflict a lot of trauma before I finally thought "Give it up, you're just causing too much hurt. Just stop and reset and lose the defensive bullshit". In a way, I let it happen rather than it happening, I needed to make a choice, one that I had previously been so far inside my own woe that I failed to make.

I too said things similar to yourself. Promised to "check my anger at the door", not be defensive, be less reactive....The list goes on. Yet, as soon as things got tough for me, I reverted back to old ways. I was harbouring anger and selfishness. You say you felt loss. I think I did too, despite denials. I felt loss for me being "the good guy" even if this was a self impression. I felt I was being forced to acknowledge my behaviour and I did not like this. I missed living in my own world of justification and denial. I felt upset at the loss of respect from my BS and in time self respect. I was angry at BS for not trusting me or believing me in those rare times I actually told the truth. I felt loss for the man I convinced myself I was.

I hid behind not missing APs or unsafe friends. I told myself I was not feeling any loss for the old me. While true, I do not miss the old me, I did miss the old me I lied to myself about and more importantly I missed my BS believing this too. It is incredibly hard work rebuilding any trust, I sometime doubt I will ever get there and this hurts. The change needed is to move this hurt away from resentment and anger into motivation. Additionally, I feel I just hid from any emotion (other than anger and resentment). This allowed me to shut people out without care. Of course this included BS and healthy people as well as the people I needed to lose from my life. With the benefit of hindsight, I did not shut out anyone as I worked with an AP for six months, stayed in contact with unsafe people for at least 18 months and have unresolved issues with members of my family.

I am a member of another community a mens group if you like, I was involved in a discussion on mens emotional intelligence and how to lose or deal with intrusive thoughts. One guy said you just need to "give up". This was initially greeted with WFT!?!? However, he continued to explain. You need to "give up" all the past beliefs, everything that is holding you back from better choices, give up the triggers for spiralling. Own your past and let that drive you forward.

I'm at the start of my journey now. I have more work to do to find the real me. Recent events in our life have brought BS and I closer. I showed emotion and did not hold back on it (not anger but pain and anguish) I'm starting to see what I was being told years ago. I struggle to put into words the frustration I feel being in my early 50s and only just seeing and feeling emotions in a healthy way.

I certainly have things that I'm holding onto from the old me. Things I need to give up. As I find them, I will try and understand them and lose them. I am growing but am also aware that new me needs nurturing and self awareness to ensure I continue to grow. I have previously seen good in me and stopped under this self delusion I was "better". I'm not, but working on it.

So have had another hit of insight today.....

That being Self righteousness and a smattering of being judgemental and not considering that maybe people are just doing their best.

This realisation came whilst on the morning dog walk and listening to rising strong, up to this point I've not been really able to relate to the writings in this book but this really stopped me in my tracks.

I realised that the self entitlement ive been carrying is mixed in with the feeling of self righteousness, often during arguments this comes out and instead of being inquisitive I literally become the definition of being self righteous

"Self-righteousness is a belief that one's own actions, beliefs, or affiliations are morally superior to those of others. People who are self-righteous may be intolerant of the opinions and behaviors of others that they deem to be less virtuous"

I see in myself exactly how I treat my BS, rather than be inquisitive as to why she feels XYZ I kick into believing XYZ is wrong and that I'm correct which leads to my poor behaviours.

Further to that I then bloody realised that I am also very judgemental and dont consider actually that maybe people are just doing their best. I have always been a rather pedantic S.O.B and when I got promoted one of my biggest bug bears was the state of paperwork that some on the team submitted.. I had to accept that and felt it was ok and believed I was a good leader.

Anyway after the A I moved to a new job location which meant a new team, I have a member on my team who I have found incredibly frustrating due to his poor admin! I have tried to support him, I have tried to educate and develop him but he just doesnt seem to get it....anyway I realised this morning that I have never considered that maybe this was just the best he could do.....then I realised that I have been acting the same way to my BS. She clearly is struggling, full of hurt and has so many awful memories and triggers but she carries on as best as she can....however I never saw it that way, trying to point out how she should be doing XYZ, bettering herself and pointing out how "I'd be doing it". Simply ...... I have been unable to accept that she is just simply doing her best.

Anyway.....its late, just wanted to share today's musings.