SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Current situation: in counseling trying to see if this marriage can be salvaged.

The history:

I have to apologize up front for the length of this post. 14 years of pain I’m purging.

Hello. I just discovered the most hurtful thing I have ever experienced. My wife of 14 years has NEVER been faithful to me. Her AP has been a part of her life since her first marriage. This is her and my second marriage. She has admitted that they were communicating and intimate while we dated, during our engagement, and less than a month after our wedding day.

About 3 month after the wedding I saw a sexually suggestive text on her phone. I asked her about it and she explained it away. Sometime after that I became aware of Facebook messages that were leading up to a rendezvous. I confronted her about it and she said she would break off all communication. A couple weeks later I find an email from her to him saying that she got in trouble and to email her for now. Eventually they started communicating with work email only. I know this because she left her work laptop open and got an email. We typically alert each other when work emails come through when the other is away from the computer.

Over the next five years or so, we went back and forth with her saying she was breaking off communication and then me finding evidence of ongoing communication. But I didn’t have the "smoking gun". We were on the same cell phone plan at the time and I was going through the logs. I am an analyst y profession so you can imagine how obsessive I was with these data sets. Pivots, charts, trends, etc.

Around 2014 I started to see communication with other men as well. Eventually I checked out and just stopped trying at all. I lived as a shell of myself. The most hurtful thing was my oldest daughter telling me that during one of her most trying times that I had "checked out".

Now fast forward to the fall of 2023. We have been empty nesting for three years. Moved out of the family house and downsized to a nice apartment in a very trendy neighborhood. This is where all hell breaks loose.

I just happened to be messing with my Google Home Hub while at work. I only go in the office once a week on Tuesdays. I have never checked this device previously. I am a smart home aficionado and have always had smart devices and cameras. I check the camera at work this day and see a man in my apartment.

I didn’t say anything that day. I held it. I saw how casual she was and figured this wasn’t the only time this had happened. So now I changed all my camera settings and was ready to get my smoking gun. Oh I should mention that this man wasn’t the AP.

My building has smartphone and number code access to all communal doors and apartments. What the wife didn’t know was when you give someone access the communal doors take a picture when that code is used. This will come into play later.

A week after seeing the dude in my apartment on the Nest camera my wife left the Mac open and I took the opportunity to open iMessage. There I saw my smoking gun. It was a conversation with a friend of hers where she said that she was still having sex with the AP and that he had been in her life longer than both her marriages.

I woke her up (it was around 2am) and showed her the text. I tried to leave but she kept hanging on to me and physically impeding me. The next day she gave me a stupid attempt to gaslight me. I responded calmly that either she admits everything right now or I’m gone.

Well she started to tell all. OMG it was a lot! She tried to trickle feed me at first but then the faucet of guilt started pouring. From November 2023 to June 2024 five different men had been in my apartment and my bed. This is not including the AP. The AP had been in my building. My building has rooms you can rent for guests. By the time we got finished with "what she could remember" …..let’s just say that from 2019-2025 she may have had more sex with the AP than with me. Well that’s hyperbole but it paints a picture of how often and pervasive this relationship was. We could verify quite a bit using those entry code photos mentioned earlier. As part of her giving up info we did a data download from Facebook and instagram. Found quite a bit in there including how often she talked trash about me to her friends. Oddly I didn’t see trash talking the AP but to some other dude she hooked up with that she went to college with.

Currently she is in therapy, I am in therapy, and we are in couples therapy. She has deleted all social media. She has opened up all her devices. She’s dealing with some childhood trauma (that I did know about). But she knows that these are decisions she made. The remorse appears to be genuine but I’ve been gaslit for so long and so well that maybe it’s not????

I feel ashamed, stupid, disrespected, and emasculated. It’s like these last 14 years didn’t really happen. Every good memory I have is bookended with infidelity. I told her I would be around until the end of this lease (12 months). She is begging me to just watch and give her a chance to prove be she’s really working on herself and the marriage. Part of me is here because of the 14 years of work I put in. Part of me may be here just using the 12 months to get myself financially prepared for the inevitable divorce. But maybe I’m still just being gaslit.

Thanks for letting me get this all out. I plan to go through the forums and see how others are dealing with this. Hopefully I can find some hope.

So very sorry that you had to discover this. I went through similar trauma, but in my case no physical partner came to my house, it was porn and random prostitutes, spanning an entire adult life that never stopped but was very well hidden during our dating years. My whole marriage has been a lie, too. Words don't begin to describe this level of shock.

If you go to the forum I Can Relate, it has a section for Spouses of Sex Addicts which you might find enlightening. It sounds to me like that is what you are married to: a female sex addict (rarer on the forum than males, but there have been others). Sadly, as I had to learn, most sex addicts who 'act out' like your WW are victims of childhood sexual abuse and/or incest (81% of them, according to Patrick Carnes, the Sex Addiction Therapist who started the famous clinic in Arizona).

Just to add: you are in no way obligated to stand by and suffer while she does the deep dive to fix her sickness! We had a MC suggest that to me and foolishly, I tried to go along with that 'program' by learning about (and over-analysing) my SAWH's (Sex Addict Wayward Husband's) family of origin issues and hoping his knowledge of the same would lead him to a better place. But 12 years later, I got hit with D-Day 2. It is a very difficult prognosis to work through.

Edited for typos...

[This message edited by Superesse at 3:17 PM, Wednesday, September 11th]

This site is living testament to marriages being able to reconcile from the most dire situations.
This site is also ripe with examples of those that successfully got out of infidelity without saving their marriages.
Both paths are hard, both difficult. To save a marriage you need several factors – mainly that BOTH are willing to do the work and work together towards a common goal. To divorce... well... all you need is that ONE partner wants to go that route out of infidelity.

Reading between the lines I can make some assumptions. Like if you are married for 14 years and already empty-nesters I’m guessing you two don’t have kids together (biologically or legally).
Your tagline puts you in Maryland – a state where infidelity can impact decisions regarding alimony and spousal support.
Your wife has a history of promising to end inappropriate actions, only to relapse. Sort of like the drunk that promises not to drink again...
It’s been a long time... 14 years with you, but some years previous to that... He is more a constant in her life than you... Heck... in some ways you are her emotional other man...
She openly disrespects you to friends. How are you going to feel when you come home and Jane is there for coffee? The same Jane your wife shared that you are crap at sex, are weak or whatever? The same Jane that never defended you or suggested your wife be honest?
Your near-environment has been tainted. Triggers are and can be extremely individually based. We have people here that moved house because their WS had the OP in it. We have people that are fine with using the marital bed used by the WS for their tryst. Maybe you are fine with remaining where you are, with no flashbacks of her being with OM in that room, going though that door and so on.

I seriously suggest you consider what it is you are trying to save. Maybe your focus should be on saving YOU. Yourself. I seriously seriously seriously have a hard time seeing your wife change a plus-14 year behavioral pattern, plus you two creating a trusting and safe relationship, plus you two "cleaning up" your near-environment so it isn’t happy-trigger-land 24/7.

Thanks for those responses. I do need to focus on me. Though she seems committed to putting in the work; I just don’t know.

Also the response about her childhood trauma (sexual) is true and her therapist mentioned the same odds of those who experience it developing unhealthy sexual viewpoints, habits, etc.

I don’t mention but there is another part to the story. Her mother has been married 5 times. Her father 4 times. They are both cheaters themselves. I have met my father-in-laws wife and his girlfriend. That’s what she grew up in. Hiding mommy’s boyfriends, being taking on dates with her dad and him telling her not to say anything. Maybe this way of life is so deeply ingrained that it is almost impossible to change.

I’ve learned a lot since the smoking gun.

also: No kids together. No kids living with us through this mess. Finances are separated and she has agreed to respond to a filing of mutual consent divorce (Maryland). Luckily we don't have much in assets mixed. The mutual consent will be accompanied by a document releasing each other from retirement and investments. She is an attorney and recently helped a friend file the same and get approved.

[This message edited by Iknowhowtopickem at 3:50 PM, Wednesday, September 11th]

Sorry for being blunt about this but your (hopefully) STBXW was never your spouse or partner. Run and never look back.

Sorry nothing to save, you never had a marriage.

About the OM expose him widely to everyone in his life who matters to him. Do this all at once without threats or warnings especially to WW

Expose the other OMs too.

Get tested for STDs.

Did you ask WW why she stayed with you for so long?

Empty nest. I say hit the eject button. She has never been faithful to you or anyone. She never will be.

Don't apologize for being blunt. That's why I'm here.

So sorry you had to find us, but you will find this group to understand what you are going through and be supportive.

1) STD testing - full panel. Tell you dr. What is going on so they can test for EVERYTHING.. Don’t have sex with her until she does the same and shares the results. (As you may have realized, cheaters are lying liars who lie. A lot.)

2) See your own lawyer to fully understand your rights. You don’t have to file but knowledge is power. Understand the situation fully. Be your own advocate. She has shown she will pick herself over you, so even though she is a lawyer, don’t have her be YOUR lawyer. You don’t have to tell her you are doing this.

3) Focus on you. Eat healthy, drink water and avoid drugs/alcohol, get some exercise daily, and sleep. If you are having any trouble sleeping, talk to your doctor. You need to be in good physical health to manage the roller coaster of emotions. If eating is a problem, try protein shakes.

4) recognize that all of this is on her. 100% on her. She may have issues from her FOO, but it is her responsibility to deal with those. Be wary of MC if they pull any "unmet needs" bullsh*t. We generally recommend IC for you both at first — you need to heal yourselves. The M did not cause these problems - she did. Don’t assume she is an SA - only a qualified CSAT therapist should make that call.

5) Read in the healing library, the Just Found Out forum, and in the I Can Relate forum. You’ll see that cheaters are all pretty similar, but you’ll also see all the wisdom of SI and how others BS like you make it through.

Do not be embarrassed, ashamed, or the Iike. You were a trusting spouse, like a spouse is supposed to be. You were not emasculated (although we know why you feel that way). She was not picking someone other than you- she was picking anyone. It was not a comparison or contest. There is and never was anything wrong with you. This is her issues, her insecurities, her selfishness and entitlement. It really really is no reflection on you.

Hang in there and know you will get to the other side.

It is a very rare thing for a serial cheater to reform. I would advise you to divorce and use the adultery laws in your state to get a more than fair settlement for yourself. You have definitely earned it in pain.

good advice in regard to taking care of myself.
1. Eating has been inconsistent but I'm making a very concerted effort to eat better.
2. I do have my own therapist as does she. Her therapist sent her to another therapist; some type of sexual something. I don't know, I've kinda checked out when talking to her.
3. I reached out to a family (my family) attorney for advice thanks to this form. Literally just did it.

I appreciate all the advice, even the blunt stuff. Right now I am in a whirlwind and believe it or not, hearing these things helps. I just wanted to tell someone, anyone! I didn't want to tell family because my family is very "aggressive" and I don't want them to handle things their way. I told my best friend, but left a lot out. I'm glad I found this place.

I know this is going to sound incredibly petty and insensitive, but you definitely should proceed with the divorce. But I'm also certain that she's never felt the pain you're feeling right now. Don't cheat on her, because it's beneath you. But the first time you have sex with someone else after that divorce ends, make sure she finds out about it. She'll never reform until she knows exactly what kind of damage she's caused.

And then ghost her forever.

I'm very sorry you find yourself in your sitch. As awful as you may feel now, note that you can heal. Life can get much better.

Current situation: in counseling trying to see if this marriage can be salvaged.

What is it that you think may be salvageable?

You've seen a number of reactions that may be echoed again and again - dump her. What's holding you back from D? Are you getting something from your M that is both positive and hard to replace?

I see no reason to alter my usual advice: figure out what you want; act to get as close to what you want as possible.

I think you're taking the right steps: IC, consulting a (good) attorney, listening to your W.... You're making decisions that will probably impact decades of your life. Snap decisions often result in unintended consequences. 'Ready! Aim! Fire!' will probably serve you a lot better than 'Fire!'

*****

Note: I think I would have a hard time contemplating R if my W had an A that was longer than our M. I am not counseling R. I am counseling figuring out what you want and going for it.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:35 PM, Wednesday, September 11th]

What is it that you think may be salvageable?

On the phone with my best friend now. I don't think it is. I am preparing for D. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I cannot subject myself to this anymore.

I see absolutely no reason to stay with this woman. She has deceived you for 14 years and now she says she can change? I find that highly improbable

And why would you want to stay with someone like that? Go out and find somebody who will respect a relationship with you

And I would have zero qualms sharing the details with family and friends. She deserves no consideration

Good luck, stay strong

There’s no doubt divorce is painful and sucks no matter how much she deserves it. But I promise you, later on when you meet someone who is faithful and only has room for you, it will be all worth it. Then you get to kick yourself in the ass for awhile because you didn’t do it sooner.

OP, so sorry this nightmare is your life. One of thar hardest but most important realizations is that your "wife" is categorically not the woman you thought she was. There’s never been a time where she was *not* horribly deceiving you. Think about that. The woman you thought she was does not exist - that’s a carefully constructed illusion she built explicitly to deceive you for her own evil ends.

There may be some on this site who will glibly advise you can reconcile if you simply choose to, but the vast majority of us will warn you until the cows come home that serial cheaters on the scale your wife is guilty of truly reform about as often as National Geographic snaps pics of unicorns farting rainbows in the wild.

My advice is to tell your "wife" that D is happening 100%, BUT if she’s MORE THAN GENEROUS in the terms of the divorce, you MAY consider dating her at some point down the road IF after YEARS of therapy she can convince you how radically she has changed. In all likelihood, she’ll never change much, but at least you might walk away from this nightmare with more of your possessions, and self-respect. I would also insist she informs at least her family in front of you what she has done, in order to prevent false narratives or worse that adulterers so often employ to make their victims out to be the bad guy, so they don’t look as bad. I know she comes from a family of cheaters, so they won’t shame her, but at least it would tamp down on lies about you.

Keep posting - the advise you get here is gold.

I agree the advice here is gold, as everyone is mining their own experiences to pass on hard-earned life lessons!

I just really, really wish that I had found this great website right after my FIRST D-Day, back in October 2002, because I badly needed to absorb the truths being given to you today.

Instead, I got fed tired platitudes about what a great guy I seemed to have married, and did I really want to be single at my age over a little extra-marital sex, I kid you not. Makes me wonder why nobody wanted to say what several posters above just did: "You never had a true marriage." (Well, one of my my brothers said something like that, bless him; he too was a BS with 3 grown children who, when I shared my fears prior to my 1st D-Day, warned me: "I like this guy a lot, but if what you suspect happened, actually happened, your marriage is over. I can't see you getting past something like that." 2 Days later, my life imploded when my "nice guy" WH admitted 1 incident of casual infidelity to our MC. It took me 5 painful years to discover the extent of his hideous betrayals! Darned if my brother wasn't right, but what a waste of my life.)

When I JFO, I was so shocked at his cold-blooded behaviors and lies about his past that I told myself it might help me cope mentally after D if I could at least understand what on EARTH had been going on within him that nobody ever picked up on! So I hung in there way too long, to my own detriment. Maybe I stayed because nobody I knew supported the idea I just needed to GTFO! Please don't fall into that emotional trap.

Very sorry you found the need to be here but you will receive good support. Your post raised a lot of questions for me given your WW’s rampant infidelity. Take care of you. Get healthy. Keep posting and get counseling to help you deal with this trauma. Did your WW cheat with the same AP in her first marriage leading to D? Since her long relationship with this AP predates your wedding, the question arises: why didn’t she just marry her AP? Why subject you to this long running cruel treatment? It seems obvious that all she had to do was marry her AP fourteen years ago. Did she marry you for financial security? Her actions in begging you to stay with her does not line up with her continuing ability to betray you over the course of your M.

None of this matters of course. Whatever her motivations, you deserve a faithful and loving partner. Good luck on your healing journey.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:54 PM, Wednesday, September 11th]

My guess is your WW was waiting for either You to die or the OMWife.

I've seen affairs of that type that went on for decades. My neighbor lady had an affair with a OM decades long, then when OMW died OM and OW married. When OW died OM got the house not OW kids.