SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven’t been very active on here for a bit. There’s been a lot going on and I’ve had to put the infidelity issues on the back burner for a little while.
I can’t even remember what I posted here before Christmas but I had asked him to leave and though he said he wanted to stay, he was showing very little care about any of it. Then a few days before Christmas he confessed to a drug relapse, an old issue that had never been fully dealt with. He’s done a complete 180 since then. I said I’d give him three months at my home while he got back on his feet, as long as he was taking drug tests every couple of days to prove he’s not using anything, and then we’d see where we are and think about what comes next.
He’s going to NA meetings, quit his away job, deleted all but one social media (an insta for an old band that he’s no longer in, just to browse reels and things), deleted loads of contacts, changed his number, cut ties with certain friends, signed a full time contract at his day job, shares location, open access to all devices.
It has been hard for me to grasp if I’m honest, I don’t quite know what to make of it all. I’m glad that he’s making all these changes and that he’s doing this properly, for himself and for our kids, and I had almost forgotten our other big issue for a second.

But the dday anniversary is approaching next month and I’ve had a rough few days. We have taken a step back from dealing with this while we deal with his drug problem, and the break from it was quite nice. I hadn’t been thinking about it. Was going through my search history on my phone to look for something and found his ONS insta profile on there and the spiral began. I’ve been looking at her insta everyday, comparing, ruminating, making myself sad basically. I know everyone says they always affair down, but looks wise, I don’t think that can be said here and I find myself hating how I look again. And now the anniversary is approaching and it’s all coming back and it’s all I think about again. I don’t want to talk to him about it, I have no one else to talk to about it. I don’t want to deal with this right now, but I also don’t want him to think that I’m over it.
I have been hoping that maybe this complete life change might bring some forgiveness with it, might make it not worth thinking about anymore because look how good he is now kind of thing. But this change has been brought about by something else.

He said to me during his confession that he knew I was right about the changes he needed to make, he just didn’t want to do them because then he wouldn’t be able to get drugs. But the cheating was almost a year ago, the changes were requested immediately, the relapse started a few months ago. What was his excuse before then?

This is the most seriously I’ve seen him react to his addiction, and the lowest I saw him during his confession. I don’t want to do anything that might harm his recovery during these early days, as it’s only been a few weeks. He’s also talking to me about it so much more than he ever has, he’s telling me all about the meetings, he’s telling me what he’s thinking and feeling about all of it, good and bad.

I don’t know what to do with all these feelings I have that seem to have rushed back in out of nowhere. I really wasn’t thinking about it all that much, now I’m back to thinking about it almost all day everyday.

Sorry for the long post, just needed to let it all out somewhere.

My WH went through something similar about a year after DDay 6, when we had DDay 7. Long story.

Anyway.

He was at his lowest. The trickle truth finally stopped. Finally.

He hit bottom with porn and alcohol addictions. He was finally able to speak aloud about all of it - and it came out in hours of crying, talking, and a story of his parents’ divorce, his father’s affair (and marriage to the AP, divorce, remarriage to his mother, it’s crazy).

I was also at a low. WH didn’t want to do therapy. It was a sticking point - he was reluctant to go for many reasons, but his shame was the biggest. We got past that. I felt alone on the recovery road. He finally joined me in a way that felt more supportive, where HE was also visibly healing himself, which has made a huge difference.

I was worried, too, that anything I did or said would drag us backward. But I kept emphasizing that the ONLY way forward was together, armed with radical truth.

If we avoided the truth, we would never get anywhere. And the truth included my pain, his history, the fears we both have, and the fact that we are on this uncertain path of trying to recover from a nuclear bomb exploding in our relationship.

We talk more calmly now than we did before. It gets easier, but we still both cry at times.

I’m happy to hear he is trying, and being honest about why he was being such a jerk before. Addiction is such a terrible disease.

Sending prayers.

A rough time leading up to the 1st 'antiversary' of d-day is pretty normal. I'm told I was a wreck for the 4.5 months from the antiversary of the start of my W's PA to d-day. Actually, d-day itself was a relief for me, and it may be for you, too. I hope it is.

Your WS has to deal with the addiction before they can begin to deal with their infidelity. There's no other way, as far as I can see.

OTOH, you have your feelings, and you need to resolve them somehow.

I know your H saw the light a short while ago. Are you sure he can't listen to and hear you yet? Maybe he can. How about friends? Will one/some/all of them hear you? How about a pastor or an IC? Will posting more of your thoughts and feelings help?

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this mismatch. I was able to talk with my W and our IC in the runup to the 1st antiversary, and that saved my sanity. I think you need support. Are there people who can and will give it to you?

Block the ONS on Insta and reward yourself every time you resist unblocking and creeping on her. You don't want to build the comparison pain-shopping habit. Trust me on this one. Also, even if she's Miss America, he still affaired down. Quality women don't knowingly sleep with men who are in exclusive relationships.

I understand not wanting to jeopardize his recovery by reminding him that he did shitty things, but make sure that you're not putting yourself in jeopardy by ignoring your own needs. Have you considered Al Anon? You can always share here, too.

I am sorry you are dealing with all this.

One thing that you should work on understanding is this-

Your husband didn’t cheat on you because you were not pretty enough for him. He cheated on you because he is an escapist. He escapes with cheating and drug use and all those things. He cheated because he didn’t have a strong enough character to honor his commitments. He cheated because he valued escapism above connection, likely doesn’t understand what true connection is or feels like. He cheated because he doesn’t love himself and therefore is incapable of fully understanding love for others.

I know he has a big mountain to climb to learn all these things and grow up and be a healed man man. One who will love more than just your appearance, he will love you for all your nuance. If he doesn’t reach that point please know it’s what you fully deserve. the right man will find you the sexiest thing there is because you are you. Beauty is skin deep and honey that skank is There are many out there looking for a real, faithful good woman and I know you have that in spades.

I hope he grows, otherwise, I hope you will learn to love yourself and not give him the power to determine your divine worthiness. Focus on loving yourself, and it will provide clarity over what you deserve.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:50 AM, Thursday, January 16th]