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It's Day 12 since the time-apart has begun, and I am finding myself be filled more and more with venom

I am getting out there and walking etc daily (did 10KMs this morning) - but I am finding myself predicting conversations, being filled with so much anger, and wanting to call her stuff I would never consider.

- I am angry that I still have no timeline for this space apart or even when or if there is a check-in
- I am angry that I am going to have to be the one (assuming) to initiate the check-in
- I am angry that its almost been a year since this commenced
- I am angry that I am having to go stay at my sisters house for the next week (whilst my sister is at my mums) on my own
(and now I have to come to the city for workshops... 2 hour drive, or 3 hours by public transport each way)
- I am angry that when my work plans changed, and it meant i didnt need to go today, and we moved the kids change over, her message was about oh well we could move it, cause its so and so's farewell party in the city, but I wasn't going to go cause I was going to look after the kids.. [like WHY even tell me that, oh awesome your plans changed, I can go do something else and fun then.. i know it wasnt really like that... but thats just how it comes across]
- I am angry that she has the week off, and will fill it doing activities with the kids.. so she gets to be the fun one - where I have been working, and also managing the household and making them do chores as well as doing their own thing whilst working from home etc) (so I have all the responsibility, and she doesn't...)
- I am angry that her being in Perimenopause and undiagnosed ADHD meant that she was at significant risk of doing stupid shit cause estrogen is vital for Dopamine regulation - (and me telling her for more than a year prior to this that she needs to go to a Dr and help manage the preimenopause cause it was really obvious that had kicked in... )
- I am assuming (and badly) that she isnt really putting in enough time or effort into this during this time away
(I have no evidence of this... just how my hurt gut and heart feel and it makes me angry)
- I am assuming that she doesn't miss me as much as I miss her (yet again no evidence either way.. just me not coping)

I just find myself going over and over this conversation we haven't had yet, this conversation to be - this conversation where I have to book it to check in on next steps as we have no plan beyond the 7th of Feb.. and where in my mind I am just thinking of and calling her a piece of ****. I have no idea what that real conversation is.. I have no idea what work she has or hasnt done - but my heart is now filled with so much rage - so much disgust. I keep thinking of editing that image I told you all about, on writing really nuclear lines like.... 'i got caught going straight from sleeping with my lover to my fathers deathbed..'

I HATE hearing her voice atm, I am leaving the kids at home on their own tomorrow morning for 30 mins to an hour to avoid seeing her, as she comes back here for the week.

I am afraid and I dont know what is real or not - and feel this temporary space is just making me despise her where it was supposed to be about getting her out of the fog and taking accountability and ownership.

So I guess I am just wanting to write it out, get it out, and try to work out how we deal with those moments of pure venom - where you know every word in your mind is a surgical strike, that only someone who knows you so well can do so much damage with words.

Vent away! You have been heard. All of this is terribly unfair to you. I think your rage comes from giving your WW so much control over your M , especially with no sign that she’s actually working on herself to be a safe partner for you. Just my two cents, but stop focusing on her. Enjoy your time with your kids. Do things that you enjoy. You are going to be fine whatever the outcome. She needs to prove that she is worthy of being in a marriage with you. Take heart and be confident in yourself.

Anger is an appropriate response to what she has done and continues to do.

This may not be applicable to you at all, but I find I am most most prone to anger spiraling when I feel stuck and don’t see a clear path forward out of whatever it is that’s making me angry. You’re in a terrible place of limbo that must feel like torture. Can you focus on finding your way out of that limbo? That kind of problem solving might help direct your emotions toward something more productive.

I completely understand your anger.

I was SO angry, I frightened myself. I said things I never thought I would. Called him names. At one point, he told me….hit me if you’d think it would help….and I did. It didn’t help. And, he was shocked that I did. I don’t advocate violence.

I totally understand the anger. Usually, anger comes from another underlying emotion. For me, that was sadness….just abject sadness at everything.

Hand in there.

I agree - anger is a normal response. Rage is a normal response.

Holding it in does more of the damage venom can do than expressing it.

The situation, as you've described it, is untenable. If you're not formally separated and reconciliation is still on the table, then there needs to be an end date to your time a part and, in the meantime, you should be having regularly scheduled check-ins to discuss your relationship.

If your wife is unwilling to commit to a timeline or check-ins, then I think that's a good indication that she isn't using this separation to make a good faith effort to sort herself out but as a means of getting you out of hair while she tests out life as a divorcee/single mother.

You need a light at the end of the tunnel, one way or another; otherwise, indefinite limbo will destroy you. If your wife won't give you an off ramp, then you need to set a deadline just for yourself for how much longer you're willing to simmer on her backburner before taking decisive action.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:41 PM, Friday, January 17th]

The rage hit me from out of the blue— and I am person rarely gets angry. I did not recognize myself. Totally normal.
Find good outlets- journaling, walking, punching pillows, lifting weights, etc.

It won’t last for ever and can be used as a catalyst to action.

It is unfair - so your anger is appropriate.