SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TRIGGER WARNING: I will briefly mention my struggle with wanting to take my own life and one of the conversations I'll quote is about harming animals, with no graphic details, but feel free to click away of course.

Hi everyone, I'm Alex, I'm a woman and I want to share my story here because I want to understand why I did what I did and how to help the person I betrayed.
Directness is welcome, so are tips on how to move on from guilt while keeping the reminder that I did something terribly wrong. I don't feel like forgiving myself, but my partner said it hurts to hear me talk about how I hate myself and I don't want to damage him any further; moreover, if he will decide to stay, I will have to move on as well to be able to enjoy the relationship and be a good partner. My partner says he's not hurt and that he doesn't consider this cheating but I'm afraid he's lying to make me feel better or that he's feeling disconnected from his emotions because he tends to do that.

Premises: I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 21 and I cheated during our long-distance relationship of a year and a half.
To be precise: we got together last year, then he broke up with me and since then we kept talking being both confused on whether to get back together officially or not, but we decided that we were exclusive like a couple.
Since the first moments of the relationship I told him that I thought I was polyamorous; at first he didn't agree with my request of a polyamorous relationship, then he told me that I could do whatever I wanted with other people on multiple occasions, but I never believed him because to me it seemed like a way to make me happy but I thought he wasn't actually happy about it, although he denied that and said that he did want to give me permission, otherwise he wouldn't have said yes.

Into the story: It had been about a month since a guy texted me on Tandem, a language app that I used to have conversations with people to improve my language skills. I know a lot of people use it to flirt but I didn't download it with that intent.

The problem is that this guy, let's call him Y, seemed nice to hang out with right away and we had things in common, but I thought we could become friends.
For real, friends, because I believe platonic friendships between men and women are possible since I have guy friends and it's never been a problem, I was faithful.
For example, I've been talking to a guy on Instagram for years and we're practically friends or very good acquaintances, nothing sexual has ever happened, but now I understand why making new friends can be dangerous.

So, into the story:
I don't remember and Y deleted his account on Tandem but I think it was me to invite him to talk on Instagram on the same day he had texted me on Tandem or a few days later, because I find Tandem's interface impractical.
On Instagram we talked every day and I normally talk with people online with no ill intent because I get bored a lot, but with Y it was dangerous and now I realize it because I found him really funny. He told me that I could be his sister that he never had etc. I thought nothing of it. But it was after two or three weeks that I revealed to him very intimate things about my mental health and I think that's where the problem started. Actually, the problem had probably started from the beginning because maybe there was already an inappropriate attraction and I hadn't realized. The biggest problem though, is that when a guy gives me attention when I talk about my depression, it makes me feel cared for, I feel loved and maybe that unfortunately set things up for a crush.

Since that evening, at least this is how I remember it, I started to think about Y, imagining him saving me from TRIGGER WARNING

a suicide attempt, imagining Y being afraid of losing me. Since that night I would wake up in the morning and want to talk to Y while I was having breakfast and I would often check to see if he had replied to me. I don't remember when I told him that I had a boyfriend but I had told him.
Y would often make sexual jokes but I would tell him to stop and one time I said something I don't remember and I asked him: "Is this flirting? I don't want to flirt", so I guess I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend. I also told him not to flirt.
But still, what I did later seems to make no sense with my strong morals.

So, on the 27th of December, Y said: "Is it just so hard to find a 4'11 busty girl who dresses all in black? Damn" That was very close to a description of me, so I replied: "That would probably be me but no thanks, I identify as dead
I dont know why I said I identified as dead but this message to me sounds very wrong. It sounds like I wanted to let him know that I was available.
After that, the conversation became even more stupid. I'm copying and pasting it here:

Y: "Do you have a dump truck?" (which I guess was referred to my butt or breasts)
Me: "Nah, it's not that big"
Also me: "But it's not small either"
Y: "Bet you have but you will never say"
Me: "Too big for my own taste, on myself
I like it on other girls"
Y: "The huger the merrier"
Me replying to the "Bet you [...]" message: "No, it's not as you want it and I wouldn't be interested anyway"
Then a few messages later I told Y: "Should I break up with my boyfriend?" (officially he wasn't my boyfriend but I said it to simplify)
Y asked if I liked him and I said "Yeah but that doesn't count" and right now I feel disgusted by myself for saying that although I don't know what I meant
Not much later I said I was bored in the relationship with my partner and that we can never meet.
About two h and a half later Y started a "would you rather game", to which, first of all, I didn't say no but I initially tried to avoid the questions. Again, I'm copying and pasting. Hold on tight because this whole thing is extremely stupid. I'm putting a TRIGGER WARNING for violence on animals

Y: Would you rather drink poison and kill a kitten or have sex with me?
Me: Can I just drink poison without killing the kitten?
Y: No you have to do both
Me: Okay Me: Sex with you
Y: Okay
Me: But I'll ask my boyfriend if he agrees
Y: Your turn Y: Okay
Me: Would you rather kiss the toilet seat in a dirty toilet at a train station or me
Y: You
Me: That's too easy
Y: My turn
Me: One of your favourite actresses when she was young or me?
Y: You
Me: I said young
Y: Yeah I chose you
Me: But why?

After this he asked another question where I had to choose between 69 with him and hurting animals. I initially made a joke about hurting him instead and said I hate that position anyway He replied by asking if I was choosing to hurt the animals so I said "No no" "Okay sex with you 69 Or 96"
Again, don't know why the joke about the positions. I don't even know if 96 exists To that he said: "Good"

After this I told him: "Man I think doing this is wrong" "I still have a boyfriend"
I don't know what I meant by "still", whether I wanted to leave him or just wanted to underline that I was in a relationship.

I understand all of this this may sound chaotic. If you read until here Thank you for your time. I never thought I could become such a person and I genuinely deel like a series B human because of this now. I still want a future with my partner but I wish it was with the me of the past and not with this disgusting being I have become. All the insults are directed to myself and myself only, I'm not trying to judge anyone else who may have done the same as me or cheated in other ways. Let me know what you all think.
I apologise for the length Thank you

Communication: I wanted to edit this post but I posted another two copies of it instead 🤦🏻‍♀️. Sorry. I tried to delete them but I think I can't. Maybe it's against the rules.

Edit: I read the rules, I usually do it before posting on a new forum or group but this time I forgot. Sorry for the inconvenience again

[This message edited by Alex0123 at 11:20 PM, Thursday, January 23rd]

MH here. Sounds like you haven't told your betrayed BF yet. Fair assumption?
I'll bottom line this. Why do you feel disgust? Are you feeling empathy toward how your BBF may feel or just because your behavior is inconsistent with who you thought you were and are embarrassed with how you behaved? More basically: remorse or regret? Because that's an important distinction.
Just based on this and nothing else. You're not safe right now. You're very young and have a whole life ahead of you. If you're cheating on a boyfriend this early into your relationship, then you need to honestly ask yourself why you're even in it.
Keep posting. Whatever the outcome may be, you can learn a lot from the folks here.

Yes, I have told him the night following the day it happened. I sent those messages between 5pm and 7:35 pm, and I texted him that I had to tell him something at 8:20 pm of the same day. Then he said he was out with his friends so I told him "but it's important" but then I decided to postpone to avoid ruining his night out and I confessed at 2 am after he replied to my previous messages. He said he doesn't consider this cheating and that he isn't hurt but Idk, I'm afraid he may be hurt but just unable to feel it.

Edit: I forgot to answer the questions. I feel disgust because of many reasons: although he says he's not hurt, I did something that could've hurt my significant other. Then there's the open relationship question but still, I'm left with the doubt that I may have acted thinking the relationship wasn't open, therefore I may have acted in an egoistical way and this disgusts me too. The religious aspect, because I now see myself as a sinner who committed adultery. I am afraid that my partner will be condemned to feel like he's not enough because of what I did. He doesn't deserve it.

Yes, I do feel empathy towards him and I also dislike how my actions are unmatched related to my values so yeah I'm also embarrassed. Regret or remorse: both. I wish I had never kept texting that guy or at least not texted him that and I also feel guilty because I didn't want to be this person and I didn't want to disrespect him like this. I love him so deeply, but I was too weak or too stupid to pull thr brakes and stop myself.

What do you mean I'm not safe right now?

And I understand the reason why you said I should ask myself why I even am in this relationship but I actually do want him, with no doubt. I could see myself married to him, but now I can't anymore because of my actions. It's just that, not to blame him absolutely, I saw a lack of commitment from my partner and I now say partner out of practicality but as I explained, we are not official anymore, we had broken up, we decided to remain exclusive but it all feels like there's no commitment so I have to admit I did consider leaving altogether a few times and that day when I cheated was one of those days where I had doubts. And he was also less present because he was busy so I just felt alone. Again, I don't wanna blame the person I love, it's not his fault if I did what I did while he was absent, it's not his responsibility; my first mistake was not talking about these issues and about the guy I was developing feelings for. I lacked commitment in those moments.

[This message edited by Alex0123 at 8:40 PM, Friday, January 24th]

You told the guy your were poly. He said, 'OK.' You then decided he really wasn't OK with being not exclusive.

You broke up. Sometime in there you started a relationship with another guy online, which you haven't shared with the 1st guy. Then you and the 1st guy decided to be exclusive, but you didn't break off with the other guy. And you say you've damaged the 1st guy.

IMO:

1) You believe you can read the 1st guy's mind. You can't. That's a bug problem in a mature adult, but maybe a 23 year old isn't a mature adult.
2) You committed to exclusivity but didn't meet your commitment. That's a bug problem in a mature adult, but maybe a 23 year old isn't a mature adult.
3) You contemplated suicide. That's a giant problem.

A question: are you poly or does 'poly' mean 'not ready to be exclusive'? I committed to exclusivity at 22; I had very serious doubts, but I was ready, apparently. I have no problem believing anyone with enough insight to know they're not ready.

I think you're doing some sort of major disservice to yourself. I see no way out other than good counsel from an insightful friend, clergy person, or therapist. IMO, you need to find someone who can understand how you misled yourself and figure out how to act in a way that's true to yourself. Then, if you can be true to yourself, you won't be untrue to anyone else. (Stolen from Shakespeare - 'Polonius To thine own self be true.')

WRT your BF, you have to talk with him. He needs to be honest. If you say you want multiple relationships and he says 'OK', it's HIS problem if he's unhappy because you have other relationships - and you need to be comfortable with that to reach your own maturity.

But you CAN say, 'When you say you're OK with my having other relationships, I'm not sure I believe you. Are you sure?' I would have accepted that at first from W2b - I'd have been unhappy with that, but if I accepted the ground rule, I'd also have accepted that it was my problem, not hers.

When I say I'm poly, I mean poly. I did lack commitment on that day, because as I said in the previous post, I saw he was not so committed, so I was contemplating leaving but not because I didn't want him anymore, but because I felt like he didn't want to commit. I don't remember whether we had that discussion but in either case, I should've brought it up or brought it up again. I don't particularly like the fact that I can feel feelings for multiple people but unfortunately this is how I am and I wanted an open relationship to be able to express it in a healthy ethical way. I didn't mean to have a parallel relationship but unfortunately what happened was pretty close in a way. I didn't have a relati with that guy on Instagram but I developed feelings after a while and that's where I should've stopped talking to him or at least told my significant other. I genuinely don't know what went through my brain when texting him. I always valued communication in my relationship and the lack of it is what ruined it and it's my fault.
I agree that I am not mature enough. Cheating is often a sign of immaturity but I don't think it has to do with age, it depends on the person and their background.

And while I understand that he gave me his consent to engage in sexual behaviours with others by saying I could do whatever I wanted in general, he only mentioned dating others after I had already confessed. To me his consent is still vague and up to interpretation, which is the last thing you want in a non monogamous relationship and I made a mistake by not asking for clarifications concerning the specific boundaries other than just asking whether he actually wanted to give me his consent.
This is certainly an opportunity for growth but it comes with a lot of pain, hopefully just for me. It could've been avoided.