SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't remember exactly what my treatment was like three years ago; it was brief, 8 to 10 sessions. My IC told me about the ghost of loss (fear of...).
Then we quickly came to the conclusion that life is about that: loss, and that it's not total, but partial.
Then comes the decision-making part, but that's what made me change my mind.
What was your experience?

My IC has mostly served as a person to talk things out with and get different perspectives from. This is because we have elected to keep her affair mostly a secret, so there are very few people i can confide in about it. His wife also cheated on him so he understands first hand what it's like, and its super helpful to talk to another who went through something similar. Same reason this site is so useful!

Also my IC is a resource when I'm having a crisis, and need advice ASAP.

Im actually considering the idea that I'm mostly past the crisis point and should find a specialist to help me instead.

What did you change your mind about?

[This message edited by Theevent at 7:16 PM, Friday, August 1st]

Theevent, my English is poor, and my writing is too concise.
Changing my mind isn't about going from thinking about Divorce to Reconciliation in my particular case.
But rather about seeing, in general terms, that a loss can also become an opportunity. It's not the end of the world; there's no reason to be afraid.
I don't know if I'm making myself clear.
My particular case (of trauma) may have finally ended in Reconciliation, after a brief MC this month.
Fortunately, it was stopped in time at the beginning; it didn't become an adventure.
The topic I want to address is: What made you change your thinking from anger, depression, etc., to a more positive one during IC?

I'd been working with an IC from before dday, and she specialized in CBT and trauma recovery. That worked well for me in general. I don't know that there was one thing or one moment that shifted me out of depression and anger. Mostly she and I talked through the shame, grief, self-harm, anger, numbness, and all the ddays. We explored my feelings, she pointed out facts or ways of looking at things that I'd missed (especially when I was feeling trapped/stuck), and she gave advice on different ways I could deal with problems.

Eventually, I arrived at the decision to move out and do a trial separation. It was when I spent the first week in that apartment by myself that I felt a huge weight lift away from me.

What made you change your thinking from anger, depression, etc., to a more positive one during IC?

I was taught that thinking and feeling are different, and mixing them up leads to problems.

What works for me was feeling the anger, grief, fear, shame, etc. That allowed me to think ,ore clearly and solve my problems.

Thinking is tremendously influenced by self-talk, and IMO self-talk is the problem that has to be solved in recovering from being betrayed. My experience is that I 'heard' a lot of messages that came down to 1) I deserved to be betrayed and 2) I could have controlled outcomes. I have often written that the way to heal is to 'process the feelings out of one's body.'

That 'processing' includes hearing the self-talk that goes along with the feelings, emphasizing the positive self-talk, and learning to counteract the attacking self-talk.

So tereapy for me is feeling and getting the attacking self-talk out into the open.