SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I have been married for over a decade, living in London with two children. Our relationship has faced significant challenges, particularly in our intimate life, which has been nearly non-existent for the past seven years—limited to just one or two encounters a month, sometimes even less.

Approximately five years ago, my wife revealed that she was finding herself attraction to other women at work and realised she was bisexual. She didn't want us to end and wanted to work on our relationship. This came after she had expressed feelings of losing interest in me about six months before. In response, I focused on improving my appearance through grooming and working out at the gym. While this effort brought personal satisfaction, it didn't significantly improve our relationship.

Later, I discovered that she was also attracted to her new male boss and and had gone for coffee with him a few times. She admitted to being attracted to him but assured me that she wanted to strengthen our marriage. Following this, she secured a new job requiring her to work away one week each month, flying to her place of work outside England and I assumed all the troubles were behind us...

Our sexual relationship has been nearly nonexistent for years, at most once every month or two. My wife refuses any intimate acts beyond a single position and won’t allow me to perform oral sex on her. I handle most household responsibilities, including laundry, school runs, shopping, and cooking meals. Despite trying various recommended approaches to improve our intimacy, little progress has been made.

Why I'm writing this.

A few months ago, while my wife was away for work, I noticed she wasn’t responding to my text messages. Concerned about her well-being (given she has medical condition that could cause fainting), I assumed she had fallen asleep after a gym session. However, when I later checked her location, she was at a high-end restaurant miles from the hotel! She was still claiming to be a her hotel for a further hour whilst I could see she was at this high end place. After an hour of inconsistent messaging, she claimed she had been out getting chicken salad for dinner but nothing else.

A week later, I confronted her about the inconsistency in her story and she told me she just went for cocktails last minute before getting her chicken salad. She offered to let me see her phone messages and I declined.

A few days later, whilst doing laundry, I found a receipt indicating she paid for two people at the restaurant. She stuck to her story of last minute cocktails. So I asked to see her phone messages and she refused and screamed and shouted. Eventually she relented when I reminded her she offered it before. Her phone messages revealed no inappropriate content, but they had booked the restaurant two weeks ahead of time. There was nothing innapropriate in the texts beyond the fact there was two years worth. What I found suspicious that she hadn’t mentioned this person more than twice in two years, yet mentioned other work colleagues daily.

Following this discovery, my wife became distant, and furious at me, cancelling our upcoming vacation and all future date nights. She accused me of ruining the relationship with my lack of trust and hinted at wanting a divorce. Our communication has since improved slightly, but I remain uneasy about her continued secrecy and protective behavior toward her phone.

I struggle to reconcile my fear of destroying our marriage if I investigate further with my need for honesty and trust. Part of me wishes I hadn’t pushed for answers so quickly, as it has created significant tension in our relationship. Yet, I can’t ignore the fact that she lied about her actions, leaving me questioning why she felt the need to deceive.

I cant use a VAR due to her boarding a plane and all that entails. Her company has a campus type setup, and if I send a PI he isn't going to get in. If he does and she spots anything odd, it will go bad because they have problems with IP theft and it will come back to me. If I'm wrong, that's the end of my marriage and I'm the bad guy.

My main concern is being their for our kids, and finding out the truth so I can move on in whatever way feels right. I'm looking for people's gut reactions or simiar situations. She says she lied about meeting up with the female friend for dinner becuase she was on a strict diet (I weigh out her food and make it to the macros she needs) and it looked bad. Maybe there's no affair, maybe there is, I want to believe her.

Could you clarify "this person"?
Is it the boss or another man? Do you have a name, can you confirm it was this person at the restaurant?
Does the receipt reflect 2-4 cocktails or is it higher – as in dinner?
Can she explain WHY that particular expensive restaurant was booked two weeks in advance only for drinks?

Friend - based on what you share then don't focus on being afraid of losing your marriage. It either needs to improve, or - if allowed to fester - it will end. It's basically a question of who initiates or if it's not too late to save it.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're facing this issue. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resources. In the different forums, there are posts pinned to the top that are also helpful.

What is your gut saying to you? Frankly, I'd be suspicious, too. One problem that stands out to me is the dead bedroom. It sounds like you got a slightly different version of the I love you but I'm not in love with you (ILYBINILWY) speech.

Maybe take this time to think about what you'd really like in a partner and if your W (wife) fits into this framework. Is she willing to do MC (marriage counseling) to work on your relationship? NOTE: If you find out she's been unfaithful, don't do MC. Instead, IC (individual counseling) for each. For you, it's to work on the betrayal trauma. For her, it's to work on being a safe partner. After you've healed and want to continue the relationship, then you may wish to do MC to work on the relationship.

The person is a woman. Not her boss, same level as her in a different department. I saw the messages and they clearly planned to meet up and did. Ive no doubt it was her that she met with. I did briefly wonder if my wife was meeting with this woman and her husband.

No real explanation on why they meet beyond she’s a friend. Ive seen a photo and she might have been attractive years ago but has really let herself go.

Clearly though, they had dinner, have met up before and my wife has never mentioned it. My wife refuses to talk about any of it now as she doesn’t want to engage with me when I’m "paranoid".

My gut has been saying something has been off for years but I’ve never had any evidence at all until now.

Yet, there are times when my wife says how much she loves me and how lucky she is and I want to believe her…

It's the refusal to talk about this and the rage that concern me about her, and your arguments about why staying passive might be right for you in this sitch.

One of my main concerns after my W's A was about my W's sexuality - was she bi or gay? Her response was that she thought she was bi, not gay, because gay people seem to feel disgust WRT sex with the opposite gender. Disgust could explain your W's sex with you.

Your W's activities are probably away from the campus, so a PI could be useful.

IMO, you'll be better off if you approach your W with a 'you talk or I'll walk' requirement. I know it's risky, but you'll clear the air. If your W is gay or in an A(ffair), IMO it's best for you to know. If you don't find out, you'll saty in limbo. If you do find out, you can take action to make your M good or free yourself to perhaps find a new, satisfying relationship.

I'm really sorry you are going through this awful experience of not knowing, but recognizing you're not satisfaied is a good step in creating a good life for yourself and kids.

Yep, when they refuse to talk the only thing you can really say is "I’m talking to someone, I’m talking to you, or I’m talking to a divorce attorney."

gravitypull, my WS (wayward spouse) told me to my face, "that's silly," when I said my therapist wondered if he was having an affair. Guess what? He'd been having an affair for over a year at that point!

Your gut is absolutely right about the red flags all over your wife's behavior. I second sisoon's suggestion to let go of your fear that you'll provoke a divorce and instead turn the tables. She will not confess until she has to or until the affair is fizzling out and she feels she has nothing to lose. You need to present a situation where *she* is afraid to lose you if she doesn't come clean.

Yes, the grief and fear for the children is awful. Finding out he cheated was the worst thing I've ever experienced, but there is a certain amount of peace you will (eventually!) find after knowing the truth, and it beats crying every night because you are so lonely and neglected in your marriage.

Gravitypull

I have a track-record of being reluctant to see infidelity in all actions. I know how devastating it can be and am reluctant to add to our numbers.
I have to say that although your situation has red flags I still don’t see infidelity as we tend to define it here.
Keep in mind that infidelity can be all sorts. In it’s very base infidelity is simply not being true to the marriage, although we tend to connect it to emotional or physical interaction with someone else. We have financial infidelity, spousal abuse is infidelity...

But... As-is I don’t necessarily see infidelity – but I see serious issues.

At the base I see a distance between the two of you. From what you share it doesn’t sound like she wants to heal or fix that.

I think that might be the focus – trying to open communications and improving your interactions. I would strongly suggest you tell her something like: We aren’t communicating too well, and I want us to be happier. Would you join me to go to MC to see if we can improve our communication?

Take it from there. You can push the issue, start researching for an available MC and all that.

I’m not blind to that she might be gay, she might be bi, she might be cheating, she might be on the slope slipping towards cheating... But if she is then there will be giveaways, there will be signs, proof, indicators, red flags... I think that if you put some reasonable and sensible steps in place you will catch her IF she is cheating.

View it this way: IF she is already cheating – like if that restaurant meeting was a date with a lover – then your situation won’t really get any worse if it takes you a month or so to convince yourself. However – if you focus on her cheating and confront her on her alleged cheating and it isn’t happening... well... that only drives firmer the communications issue I mentioned as the obvious issue in the relationship.

I would then strive at calm in the house. Pressure her on getting to counseling, but try to get calm on other issues. If she’s cheating then that calm will eventually get her guard down. If she isn’t... well... the lack of calm will only trouble the marriage that much more.

The reasonable and sensible steps?
Can you monitor her bank accounts and financial outlays? Are there unusual transactions (like the restaurant outside the area she might be expected to be in). Transactions for hotels, lingerie, excessive amounts for meals or drinks (as in paying for 2).
Can you monitor her communications? Do you have access to her phone-logs (maybe online if a family plan), e-mail, social media?
Do you have access to her whereabouts? Like... both my wife and I have each others devices in Find My Phone app.
Is there a place or time she assumes she’s alone and safe to talk? Often it’s a car on the commute to work, but being in London I’m assuming it’s the Tube. If she has a car then a strategically placed and hidden VAR can catch her calls.
When she leaves for trips – can you see (or deduct) what she takes? Like... did she take her practical undies for that three day conference, or is the sexy stuff that she keeps at the rear of her drawer gone too?
When she comes home – does she immediately shower?
When she says she’s going to the gym – does she take a bag with her, and are her gym-clothes used/sweaty when she comes home?

These are all steps people have taken, and although one might not prove anything then a collection of small tidbits can convince you if something is going on. Or not.
Like... If she doesn’t take the short cocktail-dress and sexy lingerie for the Tuesday to Thursday work-trip, but takes both on the weekend conference she "has to attend"... that is a flag. I would then at least check online to confirm there is a conference and this not really being a weekend getaway.

You are not destroying your marriage, your wife already has with her lies and withholding intimacy. She only confessed to having cocktails because you caught her in an inconsistency but I doubt you believe it was just cocktails at the restaurant since the reservations were made two weeks earlier

She went out for coffee with her male boss a few times. To me that is unacceptable. When coworkers become friendly outside of work trouble is brewing.

From what you've told us your wife has all the signs of having an affair or multiple affairs. The fact she started screaming at you sounds to me like an attempt at DARVO (deny attack reverse victim offender). When I confronted my wife her response was to get angry at me, to accuse me of having secrets, to try and convince me I was overreacting, that what she was doing was no big deal. The next day when she came home from work and I said there is a suitcase upstairs I need you to leave the house that's when reality sank in.

You are miserable and life is way too short. I would sit down with her and let her know that you are ready to end the relationship if she does not help you understand everything that is going on but you have to be ready to follow through because I'm guessing she will test your commitment to doing so