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Her timidly measured, soft-spoken words were, to me, erratic, thunderous, rapid-firing bullets mincing, shredding an unarmed combatant that did not know the when, where and whys or even knew of the furtive wars of evasive lies that I had been and would be engaged, forevermore.

After the evening’s ambush laid, scattered dead, what I knew to be her, what I knew to be me. What I knew to be loved, what I knew to be loathed. What I knew to be a friend, what I knew to be a foe. What I knew to be a lie, what I knew to be truthful.

What I knew, once vibrant and confident, are vanquished comrades, slain by the D-day’s disclosures of a secreted, stain. A deceit between the sheets, dishonoring our marriage bed.

Fidelity, integrity, honesty, security, loyalty, worthiness, faithfulness, hopefulness, trustworthiness, sacredness and scores yet named lay stilled in rolls and rolls gratuitously lining Marital Hill with forsaken, tarnished gold forevermore erected o'er earthen mounds.

In the inner sanctum of this veteran’s soul, again, and again, year after year, night and day, wake and sleep, I unwillingly hear, ere taps’ mournful toll, the jolting sounds of the three-volley salute proclaiming the interment of our sacred vows, felled by infidelity.

I was told to stay. I was told to stray. I was told to reject, I was told to accept. I was told to be calm. I was told to be furious. I was told I was to blame. I was told it’s her shame. I was told to get a divorce. I was told to stay the course. I was told about radical acceptance. I was told of the dangers of avoidance. I was told her offences were unpardonable. I was told that her transgressions were forgivable. I was told God was almighty, sovereign and in control. I was told why an engaged, omnipotent Deity was ineffectual. I was told I was her desired. I was told she played me a fool.

Many told me what I should and shouldn’t do to mend, few sat quietly, listening, comforting, shielding me, until the pain’s end.

I am pleading with my fellow battle-hardened comrades who seem compelled to give one-dimensional counsel, please, please, please, postpone harsh, fixed verdicts, allow compassion to reign. Try hearing without acumen towards anyone. I’m imploring to those that wish to help me understand, not condemn, the indeterminate meanings of - her timidly measured, soft-spoken words, that were to me, trust given.

You’ve been heard and your words are poetic.

Only you can decide what is best, but remember that sometimes others can see what we cannot see from our foxhole in the battle. Be open minded, take what works and leave the rest.

Best of luck on your journey.

Thank you BearlyBreathing for your kind nudging. I’ve heard your wise council and a good reminder of why I am here. I do want to add that I also think it very important that I let my needs known. Not an easy thing to admit to. I came here in the hopes of connecting to others who are in the recovering process so that I can learn from them. So often I, and I’m sure I’m not alone, feel I must be doing something wrong for the journey, though extremely successful in many ways, is still on going. There are still bits of pain and many moments of deep sorrow. Sorrow for both myself and, more importantly, for my wife’s pain. It is too easy for me to forget she is also dealing with the pain caused by her affair. Thank you BearlyBreathing for your thoughts of good wishes.

Asterisk

Agreed, Asterisk… the battlefield trauma is long lasting. Keep pouring out your fixations, fears, & frustrations through your eloquent words. I believe it will help you and others in the fight. Praying for you…

Thank you, Preacher,

for your supportive words and your offering of prayer. This is hard stuff that none of us signed up for when standing before the alter making our sacred vows. And yet, here we each are, puzzled, shaken to the core, angry at the person we so love, saddened and struggling to find trust in anything, and anyone, which often including ourselves. Reconciliation has been the most painful, difficult process of my life.....but, for me, the value is worth the cost paid and I know I will continue to pay until the ground reclaims me.

So....Asterisk....what do YOU want to do? It's your life, your marriage, your needs - what DO you want to do? I know there's conflicting feelings and perhaps goals, but somewhere inside you must have some sense of how you want your life to go in the future. What kind of life do YOU want in the future? You're the only one who can start building that now, with or without her. That would be my advice to you, learn what YOU want and move towards that as much as you can and at whatever pace you can.

That is a fair question BondJaneBond but not a simple query to ferret out. As you mentioned, what one wants is often conflicting and I’ll add, some wants are unattainable.

I want to build a mutually happy, loving life with my wife (attainable). I want her affair to have never happened (unattainable). I want to trust her to the depth I once did (unattainable). I want to trust her, though shallower and guarded, (attainable). I don’t want to suffer due to my wife’s actions (attainable). I don’t want to feel the pain I feel from my wife’s actions (unattainable). I don’t want my wife to suffer due to my actions (attainable). I don’t want my wife to be in pain because of my actions (unattainable). And so much more.

BondJaneBond, I’d be insincere if I did not say that I operate under the system of beliefs that my wants are balanced by my wife’s wants. Not subservient but not core either. I do not want to want to discover and follow only my wants. I will admit, I cannot dismiss that it is true that if I would have taken the "my wants alone is what matters path", things might have moved alone smoother and faster but I would have missed out on participating in the growth of my wife and our marriage. And despite what I may have conveyed it now is a strong marriage but not, nor ever will be, alleviated of all old wounds that hurts us both.

I’m not devaluating or dismissing your advice, only sharing with you some of my beliefs that are in conflict with your counsel. That conflict does not mean I may not have it all wrong so I appreciate your thoughts and will wrestle with your suggestion.