SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been a month since finding out. It’s not getting any easier. Husband is doing/saying all the right things. There’s nothing I can honestly say that there’s nothing he can be doing more or less of. However, I feel like I’m floating in a big dark cloud. I feel so numb, so hurt, so blah. I’m not the mother my children deserve. I am so mentally and emotionally absent. I don’t yell or lose my patience but I am the furthest thing from happy and fun. I show up, I still do it all but I feel like a robot. It doesn’t help that I found out I herniated a disc from working out and there’s a fragment sitting on my sciatic nerve. I am in pain 24/7. I am proactive and on the waiting list for surgery. My kids are 3 and 7. Someone please tell me I will feel human again. I take good care of my self as far as hygiene, food, and exercise but on the inside I am an empty shell of a person. 💔

Im sorry you are here. Intimate betrayal is so very painful. This is one of the few places where there are people who really get it. People who unfortunately have personal experience.

Try to not feel guilty. You didn't make this choice. Your husband made this choice not because of you, or any of your faults or imperfections, but because of his faults and his imperfections. NEVER ACCEPT ANY BLAME FOR HIS ACTIONS.

Considering the hell you are going through, it sounds like you are being an excelent mother by just going through the motions.

You are suffering from betrayal trauma. Remember to take care of yourself.

I am sorry you had to join this site but you will get great support and advice.

It takes time to heal both physically, mentally and emotionally. You have major traumas going on right now - severe physical pain from your injury and severe emotional pain from the betrayal.

Plus children who need your attention 24-7 as they are not adults and can’t cook or drive themselves places (at least not yet).

That’s enough on a good day when you are 100%, but almost too much given your situation.

Perhaps your own counselor (just for you) could be helpful and a place for you to unburden yourself.

Treat yourself with gentle care. Take a moment for yourself each day. I know the chronic pain is challenging but try to find some relief (if possible).

Don’t be hard on yourself right now. Just do your best. It’s all anyone can do.

A month isn't even in the rearview mirror yet. It's going to take some time. I can say at about 5½ months out things are getting better for us, but I'm still having some rough patches here and there. Everyone is different, tho. If R is your goal, and your husband keeps it up and stays consistent, it can help.

Just hang in there, feel the feels, and don't blame yourself. This is not your fault.

I remember the first few months after Dday.

I showed up for my kids, and then hid in my closet crying my eyes out. Multiple times a day.

When they finally returned to school months later I felt like I had a bit of a break and emotionally was a bit stronger.

The mom guilt is real. I recently apologized to my daughter (15yo) for not being as present in her life for the past 3 years. That is (nearly) how long it's been since DDay, and while I was there to meet all her needs, while I planned fun activities and participated, more than 50% of my mental energy was spent on dealing with aftermath of infidelity, multiple ddays, attempted reconciliation, failed reconciliation, separation, and making the ultimate decision (just a couple months back) to divorce.

Humans are imperfect, and that includes mothers.

Try not to feel guilty - you are doing incredible by just being there under the circumstances, by taking care of them, loving them, and taking care of yourself. It's okay to be depressed. It's okay to cry and rage every day in the shower, at bedtime, alone in the car (I certainly did). It WILL get better, but that will take a lot longer than you want. Hang in there, and please be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

The mother guilt is so real. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Doing it all and not losing patience is AMAZING at this stage, and it shows your priorities and the quality of your character.

My DDay was two weeks before a beloved close family member whom we were helping care for died, leaving my kids grieving their precious sweet aunt. I did my best, but I felt like a zombie. Holding it (barely) together for them was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and it was imperfect to say the least.

They will be ok, and so will you. One thing that got me through that awful first year was leaning into my relationship with my kids. I wanted that to survive (and still do) regardless of what happened to me and my husband. I read Stosny’s Living and Loving after Betrayal and leaned into my love for my kids. One month out I was still too dazed to do anything besides show up, but after a few months my healing was actually helped by making myself do focused activities with my kids. I learned to sew with my younger daughter and did outdoors things and cooked (bad) meals with them. As far as I know they never learned of the affair, but I do think they were both hard hit by the family death and all the covid mess that was happening, plus me and their dad being distracted/consumed with affair recovery.

But now, five years out, my older daughter called me from college where she’s thriving, and my younger daughter just helped me make dinner. We are imperfect and our relationships are also imperfect, but we’re resilient and ok and close. You will get there too; it’s just really hard. Especially with your physical issues (I’m so sorry—I dealt with the intense long term pain of a torn disc and am so glad it wasn’t simultaneous with the intensity of betrayal trauma).

You will get there. Take care of yourself and just keep showing up for your kids. They will remember it even if the showing up is imperfect right now. ❤️