SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Struggling with this one....

My BS just asked me about disloyalty and why I have been to her throughout the marriage. I'm struggling to answer it and when I asked what her take on it was she responded that basically I just have seen her as a door mat and that I can simply can get away with murder.

That's not my feeling at all, but I am struggling with this one as I have lived every day since the affair fearing she will leave which has guided alot of my issues with lying as I fear THIS will be the time she goes...rather than just being able to let go of the outcome, which has come and gone at various times.

Can anyone share some insight?

I cannot shed any insight into why you don't value loyalty. However, I do believe that failing to figure that out for yourself and then explaining it to her, as well as you possibly can, will preclude reconciliation.

Most betrayed spouses want to understand why a wayward spouse would take a stroll down Infidelity Lane. While no explanation will ever suffice, what's far more important is understanding why a wayward spouse will never do it again.

I hope by now you understand that lying is only going to make things worse. Most likely your BW is highly attuned to everything you say and the slightest hint of any thing untrue is a massive error on your part.

Although I think each situation is unique, my view is that Waywards often have commonalities. One thing I have realized in therapy is how little my wife had to do with my terrible choices. I had been carrying so much shame and unaddressed trauma for many years and my brain was wired in a way that helped me completely compartmentalize and ignore the impact those choices would have. It was not an intentional lack of respect or disloyalty, but the choices definitely showed both.

I think the media portrayal of infidelity has completely skewed how we all view the underlying reasons. In my case, I did not have any issues in my marriage that would lead someone to think I would stray. That may not make sense to your wife, but over time and with therapy my wife has better understood this.

Glad to hear from you, it’s been a while.

My first thought is "familiarity breeds contempt". I think that humans in general have a tendency to take for granted that which is closest to us. I don’t know if that is the answer for you in this instance, I hope you and your wife can resolve it.

"I had been carrying so much shame and unaddressed trauma for many years and my brain was wired in a way that helped me completely compartmentalize and ignore the impact those choices would have. It was not an intentional lack of respect or disloyalty, but the choices definitely showed both."

And this is essentially what I am saying...

Compartmentalising is my forte and I have been in discussion with my IC with regards to this. There have been a lot of reasons for Compartmentalising and its something I absolute hate but it has I guess served a purpose till now.

My disloyalty has come from a place of selfishness, all my actions throughout my marriage have been selfish, be this due to my need to be validated and liked, my avoidance in challenging my parents, the lying, wanting to move on from all this and from prioritising my job over the needs of my family (when they are ill etc).

I can see how she has formed the opinion that she has, which is that simply there is no loyalty but to give her an answer as to "why" feels an impossible task other than what I've already described.

On top of the selfishness I've also struggled with low self esteem, Communication and we suspect ADHD is going on and I'm currently undergoing an assesment for this but this all makes sense when it comes to my impulsiveness, my issue with criticism (struggling with my BS and her anger, her views and criticism even though it could be well meaning)which can feed into the lying and then the behaviours and other issues I've bought to the table since D day....