SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just wondering if anyone here has experience of Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy approach in the context of trying to reconcile after infidelity? There are therapists trained in his approach as well as resources on his website and many podcasts etc..

We've had two MC's since my husband's long term Emotional affair came to light, neither very helpful. I'm not sure I have energy or hope left for a 3rd try, so just wondering if this is worth a go. Terry Real's approach seems to offer the potential of a more direct and challenging encounter than the classic listening / let's focus on the present / looking to blame the marriage before the affair.

Be grateful to hear from anyone who has experience with this approach. Thanks so much.

No experience with this but wondering what has failed with your prior experiences with professional counseling.

IMO, he may be able to help your H, but I'm not excited about CC.

Your H failed. You didn't. Your M didn't. CC treats your relationship, which didn't fail. It's your H who is in the most urgent need of help.

What are your requirements for R? You've got some, even if you're not aware of them. My reco is to get them to the surface and discuss them with your H. If he wants to sign up, but doesn't think he can meet them, IC with a TR or a good student of TR may be very helpful.

I'm very sorry you're hurting so much. The problem is that you can't make your H change. He has to want to change, and even then, change is difficult. But IC focuses on him, and IC with a good C is the best way for him to get the kind of help he needs to satisfy you.

Thanks to you both for responses. I appreciate it.

What failed - the first therapist did have some useful advice for us. Introduced us to the Enneagra. She was quite direct. Telling me in an individual session that my H is ‘emotionally unavailable’. But her advice was that as it was down to me to do everything, not to expect anything from him. And if that’s didn’t work, then leave. She recommended me a book called The Surrendered Wife… I was horrified. It puts all the onus on the wife to be smiley and loving and never raise complaints. Not only did I think I’d never pull that off… I am fundamentally opposed to feeling it’s all my job, especially after H had an affair.

Second therapist did a lot of listening and reflecting back. It was a much safer space. But between sessions it didn’t lead to action or change. It seemed like it would just go on for ever and I guess I didn’t feel it really held him to account.

I have suggested IC to my H and so far he’s not been willing. Thinks he won’t know what to say. His pref is for CC.

The longer the lack of repair goes on the more I am struggling and feeling like I am now the problem. I am not my best self and increasingly fantasise about leaving. But I don’t really want to.

I think my req for reconciliation are that he understand what he has done, fully, deeply. Not minimise it, not ignore it, not carry on as if nothing has happened. He says I’m focussed only on the negative. To an extent that is true.

TR seems to say his therapists ‘take sides’ - I feel I need that kind of back up rather than a neutral person who treats the problem as 50/50.

If I may ask, you say

"I think my req for reconciliation are that he understand what he has done, fully, deeply. Not minimise it, not ignore it, not carry on as if nothing has happened"

What is your expectation from him when he does understand? What behaviour or actions etc. Will be sufficiant?

Hi Ragab
Thanks for your prompt to think more specifically about that.

I suppose I know it when it doesn't happen - e.g. forgetting it's DDay (i've told him it matters to me), not telling me straight away when the AP has been in touch (that's an explicit agreement), not making much effort on days like Valentines Day (he sent AP a poem from our wedding on V Day ... so there's hurt there to take care of).

I guess it's actions not words that i need. I've too many experiences of hearing the right words... thinking my wishes are understood... but that understanding then not translating into behaviour that matches that understanding. Leaves me feeling I'm still not sure where I stand.

What would show me
- him remembering and taking care of the things that hurt as a result of the affair.
- him following through on agreements we have made about how we go forwards e.g informing me of any contact from the AP
- him taking initiative to put positive things in place for us now e.g. ideas for things to do together. I've suggested things and in the past it was always a no. Now it's a yes in the conversation but with no follow through to action yet.

Does that sound reasonable?

But her advice was that as it was down to me to do everything, not to expect anything from him. And if that’s didn’t work, then leave.

That looks like good counsel.

I suggest looking at https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/598080/the-simplified-180/. It may help you figure out what to do.

takingupspace

yes I think it is more than reasonable. I am experiencing a problem where I think my H expect me to know what he expect, when I don't do or say as expected, then he is disappointed but I am not sure he actually know what he expect. So, your share is also helping me.