SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This isn't about cheating. Idk if it's even about R. One of the things we've been talking about a lot in MC is making connections with each other. My H doesn't share really any of himself with me. He's very closed off. I have told him repeatedly that sharing his thoughts, feelings, and experiences with me is very important to me. That's how I feel connection.

I'm a yoga instructor. He came home from PT and asked me to help him with some yoga poses his therapist told him to do. I showed him the ones he asked about and suggested some others that might help. We talked about doing some yoga together. I invited him a couple of times and he passed both times. I told him to lmk when he has time and we'll do it. I didn't hear anymore about it for weeks.

I just asked him if he was avoiding do the yoga with me. It wasn't until after I asked that he told me he was doing it his gym after his workouts. Here I was waiting for him to come to me so we could do it together and he's been doing it without me for weeks, I guess, without a word.

He has done with other things. A while ago, I started rucking. I said I'd like him to do it with me. We went together a few times. One time, I wasn't feeling well and didn't want to go. He went without me. Now, he goes once a month with his gym ruck club (that I set up even though I'm not a member), but not with me.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Trying to figure why it bothers me. I know why, but I'm having a hard time putting it into words. I think it's yet another example of him not putting in the effort to rebuild our relationship. He cruises along assuming everything is fine as long as we aren't fighting. Yet another thing that he says he understands in MC, but fails to work on in our daily life.

Maybe he’s struggling with the closeness….. Or also getting too vulnerable. I know my H was. The AP asked nothing of him. We had a child and mortgage and business together. I did think I asked a lot of him, but he asked a lot of himself for me and our family. The A was an escape from that and being mortal and middle aged and all the failings the felt for himself.

My FWH is classic avoidant attachment and I’m, admittedly looking to cling. Post A….my FWH has proven all in….but giving him space was really hard for me. Me…I’m all emotions all of the time. You can read what I’m thinking on my face. I’m hyper sensitive and FWH is stiff upper lip. We got into a hard cycle. I needed more…and he pulled away. So, eventually I stopped playing that game.

Post A…and we’re 7 years out…getting ok with giving each other the space to do what we need to be ok, is…ok.

My H has an avoidant attachment. I have a healthy attachment. I don't have a problem giving him space. We're 11.5 years post dday. We've been in MC for years. He knows his avoidance isn't healthy.

I'm not asking or expecting him to spend every waking minute with me and tell me everything. I do expect him to share his life with me. That's what a partnership M is. We can't have a close connection if he doesn't share himself with me.

A Theoretical Question I have wondered about with Attachment Styles: Why does it seem that so often we see an avoidant attachment style person choosing to partner with either a healthy attachment style partner, or an anxious attachment style partner? I can kind of grasp the pull of an anxious attachment style person to an avoidant attachment style person, but why do avoidant attachment style people still so diligently CLING to the other atrachment styles they actually feel a need to avoid? (Asking for myself.)