Hello my SI friends,
just checking in with my thoughts and feelings and as per title, well that was rough!, it feels like I’ve been in the spin cycle of a washing machine and been spat out.
I think the biggest realisation for me lately is my mind no longer says I can’t believe that happened, what happened did happen and it is what it is, I can’t tell you how nice it is to be here, where there’s no bodily reaction. I’m also at a point where my body no longer reacts when my H leaves for work which has been such a mountain for me to get over, every day, every single day he left for work I’d spiral in to an abyss, now…..now I’m good.
I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting, sometimes too much about myself, my FOO, my H, his FOO and our relationship. I didn’t grow up in the best environment, my siblings and I took some serious beatings, I spoke in therapy about how I got to a certain point around age 14/15 where it completely didn’t phase me at all, I’d managed to get it in my head that ‘it will be over soon, it won’t hurt too long’ and I’d take it, until age 16 where I decided I wasn’t taking it anymore. He never put his hands on me or my siblings again after that day. This is why I am like I am, constantly scanning, hyper vigilant and if there’s any voices raised my body clenches up.
I don’t think I’ve ever trusted my H, rightly so but my FOO certainly has not helped our relationship, although never an excuse for what he did. I don’t trust, I have to be in control, I have to understand everything and be prepared for everything, I’m hard work. Imagine being a hyper vigilant control freak and still being cheated on, it certainly does teach you to put the sword down.
I sleep through the night now, no waking up at 4am every morning to ruminate and I do mostly wake up to thoughts about other things than the cheating, but I do every few days have a background noise or rambling thoughts and questions that I either brush off or get angry with then brush off, which reminds me, I’ve been completely abandoned by my anger, she’s left me.
My H is changed, he really is loving being himself, he helps me through triggers and I can talk to him about anything at any time, he puts me first. It’s actually quite shocking at times how much he has changed, it pains me to say it but maybe this had to happen.
I’ve a way to go I know that but it feels good to be able to say, I’m going to be ok, well, I am ok I’m going to be better.
