Hello everyone of SI.
Recap of my story: with my HS sweetheart for 15 years, married for 3. I confessed an A from 13 years ago. He was abusive and confessed infidelities as well.
It has been 8 months to the day since our separation, 3 months since filing.
I spent 5 months in a trauma facility, and now 3 months in twice weekly therapy to explore my traumas, my infidelity, my character flaws, my values, and my relationship.
I don’t really have a family, but my exH’s family is aware of everything and has been supportive and kind. My friends, who are also aware of everything, are supporting me on my journey of self improvement. I share all my thoughts and feelings with friends of strong morals to check myself constantly, which has been helpful.
I spend a lot of time reading, working, and knitting. The days are long. I always miss my exH, it will be a very long healing journey.
I wanted to bring one thing here, to gauge some thoughts- I discussed this with my therapists, but I have gained so much insight from the people here that I wanted some input.
I’m exploring my "core wounds" and how they affect my thoughts and fears. One of my major core wounds was feeling like I’m not good enough, and being abandoned/rejected. (FOO: only child to abusive/alcoholic/addict mother and neglectful father. Mother left our family when I was 8, drank herself to near death when I was 12. I went to live with father. SA’d at 14, also SA’d by AP during first 2 interactions).
As I reflect on my relationship and marriage, I am having trouble feeling hurt by his cheating. I feel extreme pain, guilt, and shame over my own infidelity, and I feel very hurt when I think of the abuse/threats/coercion I experienced in our marriage, but the cheating does not bring up a lot of emotion for me.
At first, I thought it is because I feel so much guilt over my own infidelity it would be hypocritical to be upset over his. But as I reflect more, I realize why: he was never going to leave me, and that is still such a core fear of mine.
Whenever he was unfaithful, it was only to get validation/pleasure. He never had very involved/emotional infidelities, and he never had any intention of leaving me. When we were attempting R, I even thought to myself "if he cheats again it wouldn’t bother me that much, as long as he stays".
I assume everyone in my life with reject and abandon me. He was the one constant person I fully believed never would. Even after I confessed my A, he wanted R.
Any disrespect or unkindness I received from him didn’t hurt me because I felt secure in knowing he would never leave me. If I was with a man that was respectful, kind, and faithful, then I believe he would eventually leave me because I believe I am "not enough". But my husband, he relied on me financially, we shared 15 years together, and we had a deep trauma-bonded attachment. We both come from broken homes, and found a family in each other.
I realize there are so many issues I need to work through based on everything I just said, but I wanted to share here. If you read all of that, thank you.
