SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband had a 12 week affair with someone he met at a reunion. Gaslit me extensively for that time and moved in with her and her children, all while denying he was doing anything more than having a good time with some old friends. He broke up with me during one of his spells back at home but denied he had met anyone. I only found out because he was very open with mutual friends of ours and expected them to keep his secret which they couldn't after seeing me struggle with sudden changes in help with childcare. He denied initially and then suddenly admitted a very minor affair and wanted to come home. He was still on the mortgage and had nowhere to go so I felt I couldn't deny him. I emphasised we were over but he could still be nearby to be a dad.
A week later his mistress got in touch with me. Full blown affair from the first night, weekends away, he was with her the night my dad had a serious operation. What I'm struggling with now is dealing with her for those few days to get some sort of truth my husband wasn't willing to provide has felt as damaging as the affair. She knew an extraordinary amount of intimate detail about me, she shared sexual information about them I didn't want to know, shared all their intimate texts which I only managed to read two before deleting them. I knew it was probably hurting me but he wouldn't tell me anything and at that point the truth felt so important.
We aren't back together and yet I find her words so intrusive and damaging. Has anyone else had experience of dealing with the affair partner? I feel it was malicious and I almost want to respond to her and put her in her place. She still felt it was ok two months after to casually reach out to both of us. But also don't think being drawn back into their triangle will benefit me in the long run. Just a conflict between protecting my mental safety and wanting justice.

Best way to get from crazy is to head the other direction…

As-is the AP seems to think your husband is the prize. That you two might be competing over him. So don’t compete… If she contacts you just tell her you aren’t interested, that he’s free to do what he wants and if that involves being with her then hooray for him. But that you don’t have any interest in knowing anything more about it.

He was still on the mortgage and had nowhere to go so I felt I couldn't deny him. I emphasised we were over but he could still be nearby to be a dad

So what’s your next step? You call him husband, so I guess there is a formal marriage behind all this. Divorce in the UK is pretty straightforward and you should be able to see how things will go. While it’s all being processed he can continue paying his share of the cost of the family (mortgage included) while residing elsewhere. Didn’t seem too focused on dad-of-the-year for the 12 weeks spent with OW.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

On the one hand if you were getting the trickling of truth, the AP reaching out giving you more facts gives you information we all greatly need in order to decide what we want to do. If the way she shared the information was malicious/arrogant, then in my opinion you should resist putting her in her place. If she didn't care entering into a relationship with a married man, she doesn't care how you feel; and it will probably just boost her ego up even more that she got under your skin. Every day for awhile, I wanted to call my wife's AP and let him have it; but I did not want to give him the satisfaction.

You got information from the AP you weren't getting from your husband; take that info and start your journey to recovery. Reaching out, blasting her, putting her in your place likely won't give you the satisfaction you think it does; especially if she responds arrogantly.

Find a really good trauma/infidelity therapist and talk to them about all these feelings including reaching out to the AP. I had a long conversation with my therapist about how so much of my anger was pointed to the AP and we worked on healthy ways of channeling that anger and releasing him from my thoughts.

Take good care of yourself physically as well as mentally. Eating/drinking water may seem like a challenge, but try to eat, drink water, and get some sleep. (easier said than done I know).

On top of taking care of yourself, try journaling. I never thought it would help, but when I sat down and got all the horrible thoughts out of my head and onto paper it was liberating. I would journal to myself, then I would journal to my wife and let her read what I wanted her to read. That helped remove some of the fog she was in and show her in writing how distraught I was.

I'm rooting for you. Please keep posting if you need assistance and you're about to get a lot more replies with great advice.

[This message edited by baseball33 at 5:37 PM, Monday, April 27th]

In limbo. He has nowhere to go. What he did is not a good optic in our smallish community and he didn't hide what he did particularly well so his friends have disappeared. He's pulling the mental health card saying he must have been crazy to do everything he did and isn't well. All the savings spent on a flash new car while he was there that he won't sell. I'm trying to limit the fallout on the kids but every time I try have a constructive discussion he crumples.

hcg1553 - I'm so sorry you're going through this, but this is one of the best places to find as you are. There are many caring people who have been through this here and who will give you advice and support. This site itself is an excellent resource and there are recommendations for books, etc. So you WILL get help and caring here for this nightmare that's been thrust upon you.

As for the specific problem right now, you probably already know this, but let me confirm it. This woman does not mean you well. She's not trying to be kind or helpful or informative. She doesn't feel sorry, blah blah. Her info may be very useful at this point and that's what I'd take it for, especially if he's been lying and gaslighting as he has. You can't rely on him for the truth and it's good that you have people around you who WILL tell you the truth about his actions.

I haven't been through this with an AP, but the motives are not good. It could be many things - she could be pissed off that he's not with her, or maybe he IS still seeing her and she's pissed that he's still with you, to whatever extent, maybe there's someone else too besides her, or before her. Don't be too sure she's the only one because his behavior sounds extreme from the get go - not only deserting you and your kids, but doing it at a time when your dad is very sick is extremely bad behavior. You say it's over and I think that's the right decision because I don't know how people come back from this shit and I don't think they should. There is massive disrespect and disregard here. Putting your foot down and your needs and life first IS the best way to move forward. Infidelity like this is a massive sign of disrespect and to me, other personality and behavioral issues as well - I don't think abandoning your family, even for months, is something people do in isolation of other traits and behaviors. It's a really, really shitty thing to do and it says something very basic about him - NOT YOU.

As for her, I think she served her purpose for you, in letting you know how bad things were and how much they were involved, what they were doing, kind of an inside look into how he REALLY views you and your marriage - because it sounds like he has shut down with you. You're right, she is doing this out of malice, she's trying to hurt you, and maybe him too, but I think you have all the info you need now, I don't think there's anything more useful she can tell you, and I would cut off all contact with her. It's not gonna help you or give you anything else you might need, she's doing it to hurt you and maybe him, I would just cut her off now and not talk to her or engage with her again. It's not going to get you anything else. He might take up with her again, but...you'd be in the same place you are now so why bother. You know what you need to know and it showed you a lot about HIM. She may not be telling the truth about everything....but it's enough.

At this point, I'd move forward with a divorce, you could try recon, but that goes on for years and I don't think most people heal from this kind of treatment and why bother. You've seen what he really thinks of you through his behavior, that's not gonna change. Actions matter, not talk. Talk to a lawyer and find out what divorce looks like for you and be guided by him or her. You might interview a few if it's a free or cheap consultation and find who you're most comfortable with. You could also look into counseling for yourself if that is practical and affordable, but do share what you're going through with at least 1 person you trust. Your husband will continue to gaslight you. You will have to work out living situations because...I'm sure you don't want to continue living with this jerk, and custody, etc. It's a lot, it can be overwhelming, but I firmly believe it is the best solution for most people because you cannot live with disrespect and lies.

So I would ignore her going forward, cut her off, just write down or record what she told you so you don't forget in case it could be useful, and just move forward. I'd also get a full STD panel because you don't know what he might be passing on and this can lead to serious illness. So do get that for yourself. And don't have sex with him or pay attention to any love bombing or bullshit he flings at you when he realizes that there will be COSTS involved here. I would not tell him anything you are doing - do what you do quietly and don't discuss with him. YOU take charge of YOUR life and present him with finished products. THIS IS YOUR LIFE - HE HAS NO RIGHT TO RUIN IT. Set down your boundaries and stick to them.

Others may disagree with me or have other insights, so do keep coming back and know we all wish you well and people here have many different experiences. Don't engage with AP again though - her usefulness to you is over. You know what you know and you know what it means. More will only hurt more because that's her intention. Good luck!

Thank you so much everyone for the replies. Sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees. It's not just the emotional fallout and stability to deal with. Kids still need looking after and I can't miss any more work and life carries on and then the million thoughts bounce around in your head constantly. So I really appreciate the reinforcement.

hcg1553 - I'm an old lady so let me just share maybe some little thing that might help. There's all kind of trouble that we go through in life, whether family trouble, or marriage trouble, or child trouble, financial trouble, health trouble, work trouble. But no matter what it is, there's one phrase that serves all times and troubles: This too shall pass. No matter what it is, it's always true. I hope when things seem difficult for you and maybe you don't see the way forward, that maybe this sentence will return for you. The most important thing, I think, is to stay true to YOURSELF and to the way of life you want to have and preserve. The tough times don't last forever, and you WILL get through this!

In my experience and from what I’ve learned is that AP’s lie just as much as the cheater. They enjoy sticking the knife in simply because you have something they want, they want to be chosen and win, when they’re not it’s because of you.

I know all too well about justice, it actually feels like a need sometimes doesn’t it.

Choosing to seek justice will make her feel chosen, most people like her enjoy all attention whether positive or negative, they thrive on being the victim. Don’t waste your energy giving her what she wants.

Focus on yourself and your children.

Thanks Bruce123. I know I will be true to what my core values and do what's right because I'm mature and family first. Everything you say is so true. She thinks she's the victim and she was played by my husband. But the level to which she inserted herself into a marriage and the damage she inflicted when he left is telling of how malicious she is as a human being. And he was so weak he just let her. Just all quite disturbing. She collated all my text messages for his solicitor in case there was information for him to get custody ( there was nothing, just texts of confusion from me ). She used that information in the messages from me about dates I was struggling with childcare to manipulate his time. She relayed a lot of very intimate sexual detail about me back to me and pointed out what she would do that I wouldn't. Pointed out times in that 12 weeks that she had visible influence on things happening in my home and I didn't know she existed, from present suggestions for my daughter from my husband to how much he should pay the babysitter. Helped him file for the divorce ( which he rescinded ) so that the date of reply was Christmas Eve. All his text messages to her collated for rapid send to me. They were as bad as each other - I'm not minimising his part in it. I just hate that someone can do all this to my family for selfish gain and then get to play the victim card. And hate that I just had to endure that and not responding and feeling like a bit of a doormat is still undeniably the least damaging option. What makes one person think they are entitled to do that to another?

hcg1553:

Very sorry you are going through this. You have been treated very cruelly. Sending strength and support. My feeling is that the AP, although cruel and malicious, did not make any vows to you. Your WH did. He’s a grown man, spouse and father, who deliberately decided to betray his BW and family. The AP could have been anyone. What is he doing to establish that he is deserving of being your partner? What is he doing to address his brokenness that would allow him to cheat. Always value yourself. You deserve a partner who loves you and is committed to you. Someone you can trust. What type of role model is he for his children. You seem strong and level-headed. You will get through this. Good luck.

Thanks for the insights.
He is in therapy and starting meds for adhd which he says was a contributing factor. He is focused on the causes but won't consider the impact of his actions.
As to his parenting he has always done the basics. Cook when asked, pick up from school. I'm more the glue so I do the everyday and try to make happy memories for the kids like birthday parties and Christmas and making sure we try have lots of experiences together.
I have a young son who adores his dad because they play a lot of computer games together and a preteen daughter who sadly was exposed to the affair before I knew but was called a liar when he tried to cover his tracks. And she detests him. I fear that relationship will never be recovered and he is making little attempt to recover it because he is horrified by his actions now.
I know the best way forward for me and the kids is to get proceedings rolling and focus on a stable future. The financial impact will be big as he has spent all the savings and he may lose his job soon. Just some moments the anger towards them both is overwhelming and the thought that she's sitting in a massive property ( she is apparently very wealthy ) with her victim crown on when her and my WH caused very real damage makes me want to spell out the impact of her actions to her. But I won't. My energy is better focused on working on that better future for me and the kids.

I never dealt with the Affair Partner because it would lead to a very late Abortion...

Usually the AP are rats, your partner chooses them because they are morally bankrupt enough to roll in the mud with them and your partner feels they are low value so they feel like having the upper hand in this relationship (usually cheaters suffer from low self worth).

So that she was being shitty with you is unsuprising.

Also consider, AP and Cheaters are from the same fabric. So the AP is low self worth, if she can get a one up with you that would make her low self worth as a woman get an ego boost.

About women AP, I saw the behavior you described few times already, seems women AP actually kind of seek validation in confronting the betrayed wife for ego boost, that doesn't seem as likely with male AP because ... late stage abortion risks.

Consider this: she is the dump of your worthless husband to get his ego boos feeling superior to a partner.

She knows that too.

That's why she tries to hurt you, so she can feel like a woman and not a rat (by being a sordid worm, but hey... not a rat at least... win win I guess?).

That said, is not just a pep talk to make feel you better, is the reality.

You are not in competition with her, a low value woman can never match a woman.

The moron is your husband because he thinks very low of himself and does not realize the luck he had in meeting you.

Right now, to hell with the AP, the only useful stuff you get is that what she told you to hurt you and feel better about herself, will also unmask all the bullshit lies your husband tells you.

It gives you clarity, is a weapon you can use, to protect yourself and see your husband for who he truly is.

Right now you must heal your wounds sister. Put yourself first, do not shut down your emotions, you can share here and be heard.

If you need advice you will get plenty of solid ones here as well.

It's not okay, but you are stronger than what you feel now. I am with you.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:18 AM, Tuesday, April 28th]

Thank you Backfromthestorm. I needed to hear that.

I guess the whole situation dug up my own insecurities. He's from an affluent background. I am not. And while I always thought I was secure in my values around worth not being linked to wealth this situation showed me perhaps I'm not as strong in that as I thought. The fact that he chose to have an affair with a fellow public school monied friend has knocked me.
But you're so right. She's low worth. Public school and money clearly hasn't given her any values or morals I aspire to have.