SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sometimes the pain and confusion is just so overwhelming that I'm stuck.

After going through WS multi-year EA with suspected PA, false reconciliation and now both WS and WS's AP are divorcing at the same time.

Looking back, I had been the one that put in the thoughts and time for reconciliation. Perhaps, WS never did want to reconcile. I have no idea. There were some initial moments felt like geniune efforts, did provided passwords, tried to cut contact; however, emotionally distant was present and effort being inconsistent; further lies about things we agreed WS would do, but didn't do; trickle truth.

I was calm and collective at the beginning, but as things go on, each time, there were more inconsistencies, or trickle truth, I felt less secure.

I think I also made mistakes of overstaying, when boundaries were not respected. I tried to reinforce boundaries. WS didn't like it.

However, my WS claimed that they couldn't remember or think of any time we had before discovery date. WS decided to judge out marriage based on the time after discovery date, which I felt was just totally unfair.

The whole reconciliation phase was about 6 months. WS showed signs of leaving 1-2 months in, but kept trying.

We separated and the separation months were brutal. No signs of reconnection, despite WS claiming they wanted to. Nothing made sense during couple therapy as it was all just fake attempt at that point. At the end, the divorce anouncement was brutal and no meaningful communication, no closure, as if I was discarded.

It's all very confusing, and because there was no closure at the end, I found it very consuming to make sense of it all. WS felt like being flipped to a completely different person.

I guess, I don't know what geniune reconciliation and remorse should look like?

Dear, this is not reconciliation this is desperation.

Reconciliation is never the BS begging the cheater to stop cheating. Is abuse, sexual, emotional, psychological.

Imagine a victim of rape or other abuse begging the abuser to stop. It doesn’t work.

You must detach and accept the consequences of your partner actions and abuse.
Consequences being: they are out of your life.

That’s what the 180 replicates.

You detach, cut them off. Finished.

If the WS realizes that their dirty little fantasy is ending with the destruction of their life, they might get out of the fog or at least pause, act as an adult with sanity and reconsider.

If they crawl back begging over broken glass then and only then, you might consider if you still feel like giving them a second chance.

That means they need to radically change, therapy and self work of a titanic scale. Full accountability and remorse.

It’s never going to be the same, but only when not you and the WS heal, the reconciliation process may start (and can still fail).

What seems you have done is what is called the pick me dance. It never works.

It keeps the fantasy of the affair vibrant, makes you look desperate to your cheater so they are double sure you will always be there waiting and begging, and also keeps the affair spicy since they can continue the betrayal clandestinity which is exciting, but now without being afraid they may fall.

You clearly proved them that you would stay as safety net forever, so they could plan and build the fantasy.

If they make it open, they will likely fail, affairs very rarely survive long when they are no longer affairs. They may drag it but end up cheating on each other and do all that horrible stuff you are suffering right now.

So don’t worry karma will catch up to them both.
Broken people don’t form nor deserve secure bonds.

You need to put yourself first now.
Read and implement the hard 180 at once.
He’s divorcing?
Good treat it like getting rid of the trash.

Begin your new life immediately. He is not worthy, you are.

You will see an immediate change, no matter the outcome.

But you must let go of any outcome.

Put your self first.
Only your healing ❤️‍🩹 matters right now.

He is worthless

Thanks so much for your input. The WS and the AP announced to divorce each BS together in the end of the horrible separation, whilst acted it was my fault that the WS had to go with divorce.

The trauma has been so much. It has been unbelievable journey to just manage to stay alive.

Really appreciate the handholding.

It’s not your fault, your husband is a fool, broken and he will spiral, they always do because they have deep issues or they would not cheat. It won’t be long before they will cheat on each other so is a matter of time before he is crawling back more or less openly.
It’s extremely common so be prepared emotionally.

I think you will see you lost a worthless person, not because his essence but because he chose to become one by having his flaws become his defining attribute, instead of tackling them and trying to be a better, stronger, healthier man.

So you didn’t lose anything.

I know the pain is supreme right now, it’s because you are not broken. But you can still heal, and reclaim your life and future, possibly with a healthy partner if you so choose.

A thing about being betrayed is you develop a sensitivity towards spotting cheaters and liars no matter how much they pretend.

Follow your guts and you won’t allow such broken people close any longer.
That’s strength.

This is so beautifully said. Thank you so much!

"I think you will see you lost a worthless person, not because his essence but because he chose to become one by having his flaws become his defining attribute, instead of tackling them and trying to be a better, stronger, healthier man."

Keep posting and sharing your emotions, people here understand you.

It’s paramount that you don’t keep that pain compressed and you isolate feeling alone.
You will get ton of good advice, but the most important is that your heart will be heard.

You have been heard

Thank you. Your words are gold.

I felt so gutted that I didn’t trust my gut feeling and let my emotions of loving WS got in the way. In the end, WS just exploited my kindness.

A hard feeling is injustice. They can just fabricate lies and twist narratives to make it look like it’s me overreacting.

After all, they can say whatever they want. The rewriting history is a continuation of betrayal and intensified the hurt and injustice feelings.

I know it’s hard to understand, reformed waywards can give you some insight.

It’s a betrayal not only of you, when a person betrays they are almost universally betraying themselves as well. They are running away from their shadow but in truth they are engulfing themselves in darkness.

It’s self sabotage, you are collateral damage for the self destruction of a broken person.

I know it doesn’t lessen the pain now, but it will help you to heal in time.
It was never about you.

Even if you are paint the bill for their disgusting choice.
You will see the light one day.
He will never be able to run from himself.

You should stop listening to the words of a liar and cheater. Rewriting the marriage is what cheaters often do to justify the affair.

Second you gave it your best effort. You can D without regret knowing you did everything you could to Reconcile. When you look back you will know that you were alone in your journey to Reconcile. Your STBXH was on a very different path.

Third, this affair relationship has a very low chance of success. Odds are it won’t last a year. Don’t be surprised by it — but one of them will most likely cheat.

Meanwhile you should get to a place one day where you are living your best life.

Thank you for your healing words. I do often feel that I've been so traumatised, confused and broken that I've lost quite a bit of will to keep going. Life just seemed so cruel and unfair. I don't think I'll be able to trust others anymore. I also can't help to feel scared of being alone in my 70s. My life has been turned upside down and I had no choice, apart from accept.

R didn't fail. You didn't fail. Your WS failed, again and again. That's outside of your control.

But I can't forgot the results of a survey I read about years ago: elderly unmarried woman were happier than elderly marries men, who were happier than elderly married woman, and elderly unmarried men. That makes me wonder if I'm doing my W any favors....

Grief ... it's just something that has to be navigated when a relationship that was once thought loving is ended. Mourning is human, normal, temporary. Hang in.

YCHTPL,

Are you already in your 70s or are you just looking down the road? FWIW, my mom was left by my dad when she was 62. She’s 82 now. She’s very happy with her life. She has a group of friends who go on walks together daily. She plays bridge and mah jong weekly. She sees friends. Goes to just about every one of her grandkids’ sporting events and recitals. She’s in a book club. She became the president of her condo association. She joined this church which has sunrise services on the beach. She just filled her life with things to do. She doesn’t wait for the phone to ring, she makes plans. Her life took a turn she never wanted but her life is good. Don’t be passive!

YCHTPL - I hate to say it, and you're not going to be able to see this - or feel it - for a while yet - but THIS IS FOR THE BEST. When someone does not want to be in a particular situation anymore, whether it's a job or marriage....they shouldn't be. They shouldn't lie and cheat and deliberately hurt you and gaslight you, but so many people do this because they're cowards and they just can't face up to their own actions. For whatever reason your WS wants to do something different in life. Whether it's a mistake or not (and it usually is) they need to find this out for themselves. I wish they would not hurt US in doing this, but they do....because they're cowards. Some people are actively malevolent, I hope you don't experience any of that. It's incredibly painful to you to lose what you have, the security, the trust, the familiarity, the future you thought you had, but we can't hold onto someone who wants something else. He's (I'm making a gender assumption here) worked up this whole fantasy thing and it really doesn't have much to do with you, as odd as that may sound. You could be the greatest partner in the world but....if he has some fantasy of something better, I think the fantasy generally wins out. It actually doesn't have anything to do with you - except to hurt you - it's what he's worked out in his head as the best deal for himself.
So I would just let him go, good luck, don't come back. I do not generally believe in recon, I think it's trying to recapture something that they've killed, it's like trapping a ghost. I wouldn't bother.

Go to a lawyer, make the best deal you possibly can for yourself, end this physically, he needs to move on, and you can start regaining and reshaping your life around you. As bad as it seems now, it does get better. This is NOT your fault at all, this is all his doing and all in HIS head, and I think you'll find that the were cracks in the relationship for some time, maybe all along, and you tried to ignore or make them better. This is not your fault, this is all his decision based on fantasy ideas, IMO, he wants. Don't take him back either...don't move backwards in life, move forward.

It hurts horribly right now but remember....you are the real person, you made the effort, you did the work, you gave the love....what he's got now is bullshit. Maybe it will work out, often it does not. But accept NO BLAME FOR THIS AT ALL. Because whatever he wanted in life, even if he just wanted a massive change....he didn't have to treat YOU like this....this shows the kind of person HE is.

It does get better, believe me. I've spent my time walking in the rain crying for hours too, but that was long ago, and it does get better. You have to remember all the warts on him and the relationship, and I think you will find them once you start looking. So when you feel better, start thinking of this as an opportunity to do new things for yourself and perhaps eventually find a much better person. This could open up opportunities for you TOO, although it's almost impossible to see that at the moment. Trust that it's true.

Let Me Be Frank - YOUR MOM SOUNDS AWESOME!!!! She's a real model for the rest of us. I wish I knew her. That's so inspiring and we so often need inspiration and good examples!!!

YCHTPL -

Life just seemed so cruel and unfair.

Unfortunately....that's often what life IS. But if you think about it and turn the cube of life around in a different way....maybe it's the only way we could or would change. It's cold comfort, I know, but it's often true, that many of the changes and advancements in life occur because of hardships. They force us to look at things differently and to see opportunities we would not see or seek otherwise. Comfort is an enemy to progress. Now, we can't be all like Let Me Be Frank's awesome mom, but we can be more like her. Someone else who was left at an older age and made the most of what became an opportunity. She probably could not have done many of those things while in her marriage....she might not have needed to because she was very comfortable. This doesn't excuse husband at all or make us ignore the hardship, but we have to try to see that we can find some purpose and reward in life almost up to the end, if we make it our goal to live that way. I don't know if what I'm saying makes you feel any better, but you are a person of value, a unique soul and you have things to offer, even if you don't value them yourself, to others. There's still things to do, things to learn. fun and joy to be had. Your WS was just one person and he's following his fantasy right now, you can'd do anything about that except to protect yourself, make the best you can out of it, and try to find examples of finding some rewards and contentment in the life we have. You CAN do this and I think you will once the shock wears off. We underestimate the degree of shock this gives us, it's like a physical blow. But believe me, he's not as big a loss as it seems like now, and don't take ANY responsibility or blame for this, it's all on him. ALL ON HIM. This is his choice. You'll be able to make some choices of your own, just give yourself some time for the shock to wear off.