SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If there's one thing I’ve noticed since all this started, it’s that betrayal has patterns. The shock, the loss of trust, the anger, the hypervigilance, and that sickening feeling that your reality just got ripped apart, it all repeats in story after story.

That is why communities like this are so valuable. Someone else has walked through a blast zone that looks remarkably similar to what you are living through right now. They can tell you what helped, what hurt, what they wish they had done differently, and they can point out things you are just too close to see.

But similar doesn't mean identical.

Every betrayal has its own nuances. A drunken one-night stand confessed the next morning just isn't the same beast as a years-long secret relationship. A spouse who immediately comes clean isn't in the same position as someone you're still catching in lies a year later. You can't look at a decades-long marriage with kids, a house, and totally intertwined lives through the exact same lens as a six-month dating relationship.

Even two betrayals that look identical on paper will hit the betrayed partners completely differently. You have your own history, your own kids, your own financial mess to untangle, and your own breaking points. The person standing in front of you after discovery might also be acting completely differently than the person standing in front of someone else.

That’s why I get really cautious around absolute advice primarily on other websites (starting with r and ending with eddit).

"Leave immediately."
"Never forgive a cheater."
"You have to stay for the kids."
"If they show remorse, give them another chance."

People shout these things because it reflects their own survival, but they don't actually know enough about your life to make your call for you.

Take the wisdom, there is plenty. Take the warnings, most are valid. Listen when twenty different people describe the exact same behavior and tell you where it eventually led them. Patterns absolutely matter, and sometimes the advice that makes us the most uncomfortable is exactly what we need to look at. People here have done exactly that for me, sometimes forcing me to look at things I didn't particularly want to look at, and it has led to some pretty significant realizations about myself and my situation.

But don't surrender your own judgment just because someone else survived their betrayal differently than you might survive yours.

Nobody online knows every conversation you’ve had. Nobody knows every year of your marriage, every lie, every moment of genuine remorse, every manipulation, or every quiet moment when you're trying to figure out if the person standing beside you is actually changing. We just see snapshots of each other's lives. You have to live yours.

I think we put far too much pressure on betrayed people to make some enormous, permanent declaration while they are still in shock. Sometimes the only honest answer today is I don't know yet. A great many people here have helped me look inward enough to finally understand that.

You are allowed to take this day by day.

You are allowed to try reconciliation and later realize too much was broken. Walking away after genuinely trying isn't a failure, and it doesn't mean you wasted your time. You just learned what you needed to learn to make your decision.

You are also allowed to divorce and later discover that you've both changed enough that reconciliation is worth looking at again. Divorce doesn't magically erase your history.

These decisions don't have to be life sentences. Trying to reconcile doesn't sign away your right to leave later. Divorcing doesn't mean you can never change your mind. If you want to stay today and want to pack your bags tomorrow, you aren't weak or indecisive. You're just processing a nightmare while new information and emotions keep hitting you. There is zero shame in that.

You don't need to pick the path that gets the most upvotes or approval from strangers. You just need to find the one you can actually live with.

Listen to the people here. Learn from their mistakes. Borrow the wisdom that helps you see your own situation more clearly. But at the end of the day, there might be thousands of people who understand betrayal, but there's only one person who has lived every second of yours.

YES!!!

I agree completely.

I’ll add a thought, I think the vast majority of members here can’t be talked in to any particular path.

Coaching someone to run or stay is a waste of time and energy.

I gave that up early on, especially when I was wrong about two members back-to-back.

One member’s WS, based on all the posts, sounded like they were working hard to change, and I advised the guy to try R. His wife took the A underground for the next year, she simply learned how to say all the right things without changing a thing about her behavior.

In the same week, I told a good pal at the time, that I saw too many red flags and that he should walk away from his M. A year later, I got a direct message where he was angry with me, that ‘me of all people’ had given on him and his M. Apparently, his R went great.

That ended me ‘telling’ anyone the path they should take.

We all find a way through.

I found SI by accident on a search about infidelity and divorce.

I’ve often said, before SI, I assumed every single A ever was because the WS had quit the M. And to a certain extent, I still find that to be true. Ultimately, I had never heard of R or that M’s could be rebuilt or repaired.

So, when I showed up here, I wanted to know more about the concept of R.

I was called an idiot in my opening JFO thread for thinking about staying. The poster edited it out, but he wasn’t the only one who thought staying was a bad idea.

Luckily, I didn’t sign up for SI for any level of validation, I was just curious about other people’s experiences with the horrors of infidelity.

As you have observed Gemmy, I found people who gave me space to figure it out.

For a while, my R was precarious at best, and I had plenty of members here still telling me to run.

Some of my favorite members, and most supportive pals ended up D. I’m just happy they found their peace — or at least have a chance to heal.

Of course, some other members who R’d have helped a ton as well.

I struggle to pay it forward these days, because I’m healed up and my advice tends to skip some time and steps, because I just want people to get there faster and not be trapped on ANY path.

As long as folks get back a sense of self worth and an idea of the direction they want to go, they’ll eventually be fine.

A big part of my R is knowing I’ll be great no matter what the outcome of the M.

If there is any silver lining to any of this, is that life offered me a reset — a chance to make my existence better overall, despite the immense trauma I experienced.

The magic of SI is no magic at all, it is a bunch of brave souls sharing their grief and finding a way to heal.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 5:23 PM, Thursday, August 20th]

Yep. The only person that has to pay for your decisions, is you.

The magic of SI is no magic at all,

Oh, I disagree! There is something truly magical about this community.

I came here to find out if reconciliation was really possible and, if so, how to go about it. And I learned. I learned about infidelity, how to survive it, reconciliation and divorce. I learned about love and relationships. What's surprised me the most, however, is how much I learned about myself. That's where the magic happened.

Along the way I've "met" some of the most remarkable people I've ever known and developed friendships I truly and deeply cherish.

So, yeah... there's something magical about SI.

Listen to the people here. Learn from their mistakes. Borrow the wisdom that helps you see your own situation more clearly. But at the end of the day, there might be thousands of people who understand betrayal, but there's only one person who has lived every second of yours.

It's sad this even needs to be restated: anyone opposing personal agency is missing the point.

All anyone can offer is advice based on their own lived experiences, readings, and logical analysis of what you've written. Ultimately, the person seeking advice is completely free to take it or leave it.

That’s why I get really cautious around absolute advice primarily on other websites (starting with r and ending with eddit).

"Leave immediately."

"Never forgive a cheater."

"You have to stay for the kids."

"If they show remorse, give them another chance."

I've always enjoyed that site, but it's not for everyone. You get far less nuance and far fewer well-thought-out perspectives—it usually boils down to copy-and-paste basics. Not always though but you generally have to dig for the gems.

Advice forums only go so far anyway. I've seen people ask for guidance, receive overwhelmingly strong consensus pointing in one direction, and do the complete opposite. I've got a mate who's built this way: the entire world could tell him not to touch a fence because it's live, but he still has to grab it and feel the shock himself before he'll accept that it shouldn't be touched. Some people can ask for advice all day, but ultimately they just need to live it out first. More often than not they end up regretting not listening, but not always. At the end of the day, the choice was always theirs to make.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 7:41 PM, Thursday, August 20th]

Unhinged —

Oh, I disagree! There is something truly magical about this community.

I was aiming more for "no magic" to the work or the healing work we all do.

I think the concentrated amount of kind souls found in one community — on the dreaded Internet of all places — is definitely some level of magic.

I agree that overly hostile and prescriptive advice, such as "Just leave him!" isn't helpful, but I'm going to push back a little bit on the overall guidance that every situation is incredibly unique and nuanced, or that every BS has the luxury of staying in limbo for however long they feel like it.

Sometimes, when you see someone in the path of a moving train, you don't say, "Well, take as long as you like to think about whether you want to get crushed." Sometimes, the only option is to scream, "Look out!" or try to tackle them out of the path, if necessary.

If there's one thing SI has taught me, it's that infidelity-- and cheater's behavior in general-- follows very similar patterns, regardless of age, time, place, or culture. There's an almost breath-taking consistency to the "Cheater's Handbook." For example, I've yet to see a positive outcome from rugsweeping. I have yet to see an example of a cheater remaining in contact with their AP and not continuing their affair in some capacity.

And I certainly wouldn't tell someone whose spouse has been cheating and/or lying to them since parachute pants were in style that there's a chance that their WS will magically grow a conscience and become an honest, faithful person.

There are also certain situations when "wait and see" is not an option. If your spouse is actively cheating, and you're still having sex with them, you are at risk of contracting an STD. What if your cheater becomes pregnant or gets someone else pregnant while you're waiting around to see if Reconciliation is possible? What if your cheater is bleeding marital funds and driving the family into debt with their extramarital activities? What if your cheater gets fired or reprimanded because of a work place affair, or is accused of sexual harassment and is no longer employable?

Or perhaps what if you're slowly driving yourself insane and into pits of despair by the cheater's lies, manipulation, and emotional abuse? What about the toll it takes on children to grow up in high-conflict environments where one parent is checked out because they're cheating while the other can't fully engage as a parent because they're consumed by their spouse's infidelity?

In summary, I'll put it very simply: I don't know anyone who regretted their divorce or thought they rushed into divorce. Contrary to popular belief, the reflexive instinct in the wake of Dday is to rugsweep and get everything back to normal as quickly as possible. But I do know many, many people who regret wasting years of their lives, allowing themselves to be crushed under crippling depression and grief, and raising their kids in toxicity because they stayed in the cesspool of infidelity too damn long.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:09 PM, Thursday, August 20th]

Take what you can use, leave the rest.

I appreciated getting lots of different perspectives in my journey. Even WBFA’s But when you do that you will get people who don’t agree and you can’t please everyone, and you don’t need to please anyone but yourself.

I deeply respect BTB’s perspective, but I have to say I don’t think the train model is useful. Yes, there are foreseeable risks in attempting R that we would like to warn people of. But there are risks in driving a car that we still allow each person to choose to accept. We have to trust betrayed partners to chart their own course, not only is it the right thing to do, it’s the only thing we can do. Just add our story to the pile and allow others the opportunity to see what patterns they can perceive and apply to their own situation.

How are things post anniversary?

I came here looking for other BS’s because I felt all alone! Reading about other people going through the same pain was a great comfort to me. Knowing I’m not alone in my pain gave me peace.

I also know everyone here is giving the best advice they can and trying to help others going through infidelity.

BluerThanBlue is exactly right, I rugswept to get back to normal for my son but if I didn’t have a son I would’ve divorced my wife asap! Please don’t misunderstand, we have a good relationship now but even she said if we’d divorced years ago she would have been free from her guilt and I would have been free from my pain sooner.