SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone, I haven’t been here for a while as things seemed to have got better. Therapy went really well and communication between me and H are good.

Yet every year around this time (Dday month) I feel triggered and stressed. I feel sad in the evenings or when I’m on my own, I feel anxious all the time - and it takes me a while to figure out oh it’s because it’s that time of year. Is this really how it goes? And what can I do?

I went through this last spring, which is the time of year my wife conducted her affair and also when I found out. Last spring was my one year antiversary of d day. March and April for me, so I have that to look forward to again next spring.

All I can say is yes, this is really how this goes. All you can do is grit your teeth, unpack that toolkit you learned to use from therapy, and power through it. Feel those feelings and share them with your husband. If he's handling his end of recovery he'll handle a few meltdowns and understand.

This is what infidelity does. There are no shortcuts and it takes longer than anyone wants to heal. The rule of thumb is 2 to 5 years to recover from this type of trauma, and I believe reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress. So don't beat yourself up or think you're crazy for feeling this way.

These anniversaries are hard for all of us. We really get it. We feel for you. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but from my understanding it does ease up and get a little bit better each year. Hang in there and keep posting if you need to vent. We're really good at fielding tough posts full of tough emotions. I'm hearing you. We all hear you.

[This message edited by Pogre at 12:59 AM, Sunday, September 6th]

I can tell you that there will come a time when you will not feel pain. Just a dark irony, pity and pinch of disgust eventually, but so light that is nothing more inconvenient than a fly to flick away.

The other side might be regretting it way more.

I think this is normal. I was a wreck the 1st year (9 months after d-day), less of a wreck the 2nd year, much less of a wreck the 3rd. Beginning with the 4th antiversary, the day has been a non-event.

That was due to my focusing on healing and my W's consistent remorseful behavior.

I've been thru 2 dday anniversaries. They didn't hit as hard as I thought they would. Honestly what shocked me is my wife remembering the date.

For me, our wedding anniversary is harder because she "doesn't remember" if she was already talking to him when our 20th anniversary came around. At first she said she wasn't sure, then it changed to I don't think so.

An affair, the gift that keeps on giving :/

Thanks a lot for f'ing up my life you selfish bastard (wife)

In my experience it tapers off. The second and third years were actually harder for me than the first, because the first year I was still very much in pain all the time, so the DDay anniversary was no harder than all the other hard days. But for years two and three I was doing better, and the time of year reminders were a noticeable dip/trigger. It declined over the next couple years, and this year (year 6) I didn’t notice the date or season of year at all.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I am sure many of us can relate.

Although it lessened over the years, it seems like my body or subconscious still remembers anniversaries. I try to consider why I might be feeling not quite optimal and generally it’s an anniversary thing. Infidelity has had definite impact on me.

Things that I try to do when I identify an anniversary are to take exquisite care of myself.
It would have helped if exwh had been repentant and remorseful.

He was not remorseful and did not want to change, so the work I do is solo and would likely be different were I in reconciliation.
Everyone is different. In reconciliation I think I personally would have wanted him to do things like verbally express remorse, plan healing activities as a couple, apologize. Show empathy. Take over so I could rest and restore around that time.

Is this really how it goes? And what can I do?

Unfortunately it does. The GOOD news is that there is something you can do about it .

There is a book that has been written about on here...something along the lines of "Your Body Keeps Score"...that may help you to what can be done.

For ME...I did some research on "limbic lag" after seeing a Wayward writing about it once. It is also known as "lizard brain". Basically...our limbic system acts instinctively according to our experience. It is what causes us to have our "flight, fight, or freeze" response.

We CAN retrain our brain to calm our limbic system down...but not by logic. It can only be retrained through experience. As our experience gets calm...we don't feel as anxious the next time . It is really very fascinating how our limbic system "protects" us without us even being aware...but sometimes it feels detrimental as well.

What helped ME was planning something NICE before those trigger times . I already knew ahead of time because of what I had read...that I would be impacted negatively during these particular times...but if I had a GOOD experience with my H...that would counteract things.

The first year actually was not all that great! However...when I would look back on those triggery days...I also had GOOD memories to combat them...and it started to work well in combating the triggers !

What I learned was that keeping things the way they were wasn't going to be a HEALTHY path for me. Anxiety and stress can cause all sorts of physical problems in the future. There are several Betrayeds who have written about it on here how they have ended up with autoimmune issues from this. I could FEEL something inside changing...and not for the better. So I figured I could try retraining my limbic system...and it actually worked for me . Not only has it helped me regarding my H's A...it has helped with other things in my life too...except for lizards ! Those things come out of nowhere and they still get my heart racing when I see them !!!