SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been exactly 10 years since D-Day for me. A whole decade has passed since the day I discovered my (now ex) husband's LTA. On D-Day, my whole life dissolved in less than a minute. On that day, by pure chance, I stumbled across a thread of sweet, filthy DMs between him and his mistress — a message thread that went back 5+ years — and those messages absolutely destroyed me. When I saw the things they had been saying to each other, I thought I was gonna die. I kinda wanted to die. I fell into a black hole of swirling misery and thought I would never be able to crawl back out.

But you know what? Here I am. Back on top of life in every way.

I confronted him with what I had found, and I gave him 2 whole years to make things right with me, but he never did. Let me say: 2 years was about 18 months too long. My advice: If you're dealing with an unrepentant cheater, do NOT give them 2 years to make up their mind. 6 months ought to be long enough for a cheater to figure out how to apologize and own up to their shit.

I wish I had not married him, and I wish I had filed for divorce sooner after I discovered his affair, but other than that, I have no regrets. I don't regret loving him as fiercely as I did, because I know my love was real. And I don't regret divorcing him, because I know he took my love for granted and he was never sorry for hurting me the way he did.

Life on the other side of infidelity has been a miracle. I love my life now. It's so much better. Truly. I know every marriage is different and there's no one rule that applies to everybody, but I will say this: If you're stuck with an unremorseful cheater, don't be afraid to walk away. Divorcing that person could turn out to be the best thing you ever do.

Wishing peace, hope & love for you all,
Ashes

Thank you for such an uplifting post.

You make some very valid points about not wasting your energy in someone who doesn’t have remorse.

What was your final straw that led you to D?

Wow, congratulations on 10 years of reclaiming your life and happiness! Your strength really empowering and shines through this post.

I agree with your assessment about not wasting time on an unrepentant partner. May I ask, in your view, if he had shown genuine remorse, do you think It would have made a difference? Or looking back, was the 5-year betrayal itself the ultimate dealbreaker, no matter how he reacted afterward?

Thanks very much for sharing.

I like your writing style.

@The1stWife

What was your final straw that led you to D?

Thanks for this question. I'd say the final straw was simply the accumulated agony of watching my xWH opt out of participating in our so-called "reconciliation" for 2 solid years. I guess he thought he could wait me out, but turns out he was wrong about that. The longer he did nothing, the harder it became for me to accept nothing from him. It gutted me, to finally have to acknowledge that he just didn't care enough about me to put out any effort to save our marriage. But, ya know, the day I filed for divorce was the day I started to feel better. I bought myself a dozen red roses that day.

@DRSOOLERS

May I ask, in your view, if he had shown genuine remorse, do you think It would have made a difference? Or looking back, was the 5-year betrayal itself the ultimate dealbreaker, no matter how he reacted afterward?

Thanks for your questions. I've seen it said here on SI many times that "you never know how you'll react to a situation until you experience it for yourself," and that rings true for me. I can't say for certain how I would've reacted if my xWH showed genuine remorse, because I never got the opportunity to test the theory. So this is all speculative, but I do think it would've made a difference if he had shown remorse — based on the fact that I stuck around for 2 years after D-Day, waiting for him to find remorse. I do think I would've put 100% effort into forgiving him and trying again, if he would've put even 1 tiny ounce of effort into recognizing my pain and fixing what he had broken. But he didn't. So I didn't.

I have no idea what xWH's life is like now, and it's not my problem anymore. But I suspect he will never ever experience a truly meaningful loving relationship, because his heart is too cold for it — and that's sadder for him than it is for me.

@sisoon

I like your writing style. smile

Thank you. That's extremely high praise from you, sir. You may not know it, but I've admired your eloquence for nearly 10 years now. Blessings to you and yours.

LOVE this !! Thank you so much for coming back on here to share your journey .

I don't regret loving him as fiercely as I did, because I know my love was real. And I don't regret divorcing him, because I know he took my love for granted and he was never sorry for hurting me the way he did.

I totally AGREE with this for sure!! I was married twice and cheated on twice. I don't regret going for D with my 1st H or going for R with my 2nd H because of their ACTIONS after Dday.

If you're stuck with an unremorseful cheater, don't be afraid to walk away. Divorcing that person could turn out to be the best thing you ever do.

ABSOLUTELY !!!

Hey Kali! Glad to see you thriving! It’s been 10 years for me also and life truly is grand. Better than I ever imagined.

Thanks for the update -wonderful to see your happy post!