SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Haven't posted in a hot minuet, but it is coming up to a year since DDay (for those wanting back story 'valentines DDAY' was my first post). Myself and my WS have done so much work over the past 8 months, long talks, listening and reconnecting.
Honestly things are good right now, he is refusing to let me help with any plans for our anniversary which is next month, because in his words he owes me one and he wants to do it all himself. He is the man i knew again, offering to help with things to do with my mother (trust me that takes a special kind of person), he has respected my sisters wishes to not go to her home for almost a year and is communicating so much more and in a way he struggled with before.
It has taken me a while to trust him even a little bit, but being honest with him about the fact it is hard to trust him but being open that i want to trust him.
I really want to trust him but i am still struggling, i will get thoughts like 'when he wouldn't answer the phone so our daughter could say goodnight, was he with her'? 'Is this new move during sex one he tried with her first'? 'was he thinking about her when he was at home and sharing a bed with me'? 'what did she offer that i wasn't in the 11 years we had been together'? 'why did he chose to be with her over being at home with his family and his partner of 11 years and i gave him everything'?
Those thoughts do pass, therapy has really helped plus good at home practices and talking them through with him, but at times he does show that it upsets him when i ask these questions but he does understand in a way. For him he wants to forget what happened and move on, do not get me wrong i would love for that too but it is hard. I do not want to be thinking about it and actively try not to but i can not help it.
The trust was broken in the worst way and i do struggle slightly sometimes.

But the good is that we are rebuilding and it feels like we are creating something stronger. Our communication is stronger, we are prioritizing spending quality time as a family and also time together (we have got hooked on celeb traitors UK, we watch it together each week and have even waited a few days if we are working or kids have been ill, to watch it together), I have started a new job in a sector i am passionate about and he has been super supportive, I have started an undergraduate degree (at 35 but its never too late) and again his support has been amazing because juggling home, children, work and Uni is hard. He has sought help himself which has helped .. go figure. I haven't checked his phone in almost 4 months but i know his password, i just dont feel the need any more, before there was a horrid gut feeling to look but that has gone completely.
Another positive is that despite a deep urge of wanting, i have not reached out to the woman which i do think has helped.

For anyone else coming up to the one year mark, it is hard im not going to lie about that. My thoughts about things are becoming more apparent the closer we are getting to the date where he has said it started, i am having bad dreams and getting lost in my head a bit more, but i know why and the cause and talking it through with him helps and i know it will pass.
But that is it, it will pass i have to believe that and i do believe that. Deciding to stay was the hardest decision i made but i do not regret it.

That's great to hear Eryn.

I'm hopeful your husband understands the enormity of the damage he caused and really changes.
I'm also approaching the one year anniversary of discovery (11/4).

I thought we had been getting better until I discovered that she was still reflecting back on old messages and sharing song playlists with her affair partner, even if she wasn't in direct contact daily, which who knows maybe she was.

The point being is that I also never contacted the affair partner's spouse, until a month ago, when I caught him sending her a love emoji over messenger. I wish I had done it the day I originally found out.

Almost immediately, things shifted. My wife's AP suddenly blocked her everywhere and cut off all contact. Her fantasy love threw discarded her like yesterday's newspaper.

I wish I had done it a year ago.

I am so sorry Jeremy99 that follow up stuff has happened to you, the fact he has blocked her since you reached out speaks volumes for his feelings towards the situation and will be a kick in the teeth for her.
My DDay was valentines day but the cheating started in the Novemeber before. This time last year they had been messaging and they had kissed already, then after our anniversary the slept together for the first time so i feel vulnerable and fragile right now but i have to keep telling myself it is the ghosts of what i now know was happening a year ago that are haunting me, still doesnt make it any easier but it is a calming thought in a way.

A little update, honestly just writing it down on here helps, he did his first open mic tonight in over a year (side note he plays guitar and sings and used to do and run open mics years ago, i could listen to him play and sing all day he has a beautiful voice and has taught our eldest to play guitar too so it is a massive part of his life ... anyhoo) I am so happy he went and played tonight. He has to stay away 2 nights a week for work at his parents so it was easier for him to do it tonight due to being closer to our home town, rather than being out in the sticks where we live (rural Wales is so much fun). I am rambling sorry. The joy in his voice when he phoned me on the train back to his parents tonight was so lush to hear, he was telling me the songs he played, that he got chatting with a guy who was also playing and they have arranged to meet up in a couple of weeks for a jam, i was smiling at just hearing his passion and joy .. however ... the last open mic he did was last year and the OW went with him, she was a friend at that point but i was suspicious about her but thought i was being paranoid. He sang a song tonight that he sang at that open mic and when he told me that tonight, internally i hated it and thought 'why that song'. But it is just a song and he doesnt see it how i do, to him it is a song he knows by heart and loves to play. I hate that i had the reaction i did, it was internal because like hell am i going to dampen what has been a wonderful night for him with an internal flash back i have had because of a song ... ulch ...
It is little things like this that annoy me about it all, songs i cant listen to anymore, places i dont want to visit any more, programs i used to love that are now somehow tainted all because of a stupid decision he made.
But then he is doing so much to rebuild the broken trust and show me in so many ways it was a mistake etc etc, my best friend at the moment is going through something similar she is almost a year behind as her DDay was only about 3 months ago. But seeing the shit her WS is putting her through has shown me how much my OH is doing and has been doing for months now. Creating a safe space for me to express how i am feeling without it turning into an argument, working on creating security within the relationship.
Honestly i feel more secure now in both myself and our relationship than i have done in a long time, we are truly happy and the relationship doesnt feel hard anymore.

I think its just going to be a longer road than i thought it would and the year mark is hitting harder than i wanted it to, but it will pass and i hope that is the case for you too.
Everything happens when it is meant to and maybe for you this was the time to reach out to the OM, my fingers are crossed for you.

Please don’t dismiss your feeling about a song. While it may mean nothing to him, if it negatively impacts you — it’s something you need to face.

FWIW my H secretly planned a date w/ the OW to a jazz club. I’m not a huge jazz fan (he is) but I could accept it before the affair. Now? It is never to be played in my house. Non negotiable for me.

If we are out and it’s the music of choice I’m ok. Doesn’t negatively impact me. But it’s never to be his choice to play it in my presence.

You can ask him to delete the song from his playlist if you think it deters your healing. Not saying you should — just suggesting it’s an option.