SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As you will see over and over on these pages, cheating has nothing to with real love. It is pure selfishness. Real love does not lead one to betray a partner and children and display the worst side of him. He will not change and will discard the OW when he feels like it. Many describe their partner as being taken over by an alien. He will continue to try and hurt you as you interact. No contact equals no new hurts. Get a legal separation. You deserve better.

Out of curiosity do you think he does really love the OW or is it a fog? Do they ever realise the hurt and stuff they caused or are they just oblivious to it all?

He believes he really loves this woman. Unfortunately that is his current mindset.

He is also in a fog — he’s not seeing the reality of his situation. He’s infatuated w/ her right now. It’s new. It’s exciting. He’s thriving on the drama.

When the OW gets tired of his drama, she may decide to end it completely. Or she may give an ultimatum. Or she may decide to stay with him but get tired of his $ going to alimony &/or child support and look for someone else who doesn’t have those issues.

Where you need to be concerned is his thinking he can live with you & kids and treat you so terribly. I was in your shoes for 6 months of the same drama - much younger OW who kept pushing my H to D me. I heard all the ways I was horrible, mean, not supportive, controlling, no fun etc. So I am very much aware of your day to day life and how horrible it is. I’ve had that exact experience (except my H never left our home).

The only thing you can do is save yourself and stop the onslaught of verbal abuse he is throwing at you.

Get. Him. Out. Of. Your. House.

ASAP!

You need to become immune to his hollow words as well.

I don’t care what happens in the future but please do not EVER feel obligated to take him back.

When this current affair blows up (and the odds are it will) and he has nowhere to go (yet again) you cannot continue to rescue him.

He is not your child. You don’t need to support him. As you stated you will NEVER forget the nasty things he has said to you. He needs to "hate you" for a few reasons - to show the OW he’s committed to her, to justify the affair in his mind AND to have a "reason" to try to pit the kids against you.

Parental alienation is a real thing and sadly I think he’s capable of it. Watch yourself and be vigilant about the lies he will spew to make himself look good in front of the kids.

Thank you. The last conversation I’ve had with him this morning was he had turned his phone off last night as she had tried to call him. He’s was going to leave to be with her late last night but then changed his mind. He’s going to speak to her after work. And how much he doesn’t feel how he should towards me.

My next conversation with him will be

I don’t want any relationship with you. You’re welcome to come collect the children on a chosen day for a couple hours until you sort yourself out.

I will then cut all contact with him. Arrange my eldest take the others to his car etc…
I’m now about to apply for child maintenance through the official way. I’ve taken him off all life insurances and things like that.

I don’t know what’s going on in his head the things he's been saying. Stuff like how he’s hurt OW everything he’s said should have been how he should have felt towards me.

Will keep you all updated later on

I (again) am sorry you keep being out in this position but unfortunately you don’t have any other options.

By allowing him to live with you WHILE CHEATING harms not only you but your children - especially your older child who is old enough to understand.

Once he’s out of the house you are no longer subjected to his tirades and anger and verbal assaults. That will bring some peace and calm to your home and your life.

Unfortunately cheaters think they can control the situation and everyone involved. 😂😂 The cheaters think they can live in the home, cheat in front of their spouse, not pay child support, come and go as they please and expect all parties to just agree.

When it doesn’t go their way, as you have seen MissMee, the cheater becomes outraged and acts like a spoiled child. 😡😡

I hope forcing him out this last time gets you to a better place. You don’t need him. Your kids don’t need this person he has become either but unfortunately he has rights as a parent.

Please keep him out of your home. He has caused more damage than you realize — not just to you but to your kids. He’s creating chaos and kids know when things are off. They can sense when he’s being mean and verbally abusive to you - it does show even if you do your best to hide it.

You need some peace and calm in your life. You gave him a chance to return home. He blew that opportunity. It’s very hard to watch someone self destruct, make terrible choices and rage at the betrayed spouse. I’ve been there. I was in your shoes.

My best day ever was taking back my power and control in my marriage, kicking my cheating husband out and telling him I was D him. It turned the whole thing around and stopped him from assuming he had control over me and there were no consequences to his cheating.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:20 PM, Friday, November 7th]

Missmee

The UK has several excellent domestic abuse helplines.
We tend to think of these resources as homes for badly battered women to escape to. Well... some of them do offer that service, but many offer guidance, advice and even resources to help people out of abusive relationships.
What he’s offering you is abuse. You ARE IN an abusive relationship!

I encourage you STRONGLY to phone one of these resources. If they are geared to helping the "traditional" spouse in a physically abusive relationship their experienced guides managing the phone will at least give you the correct place to contact.
They can tell you what your next steps could be; how to get him out of the home; how to arrange for custody; how to formally split up this relationship.

Missmee – I know I can be forthright and frank, and I know that for those so fresh in their pain it can be a hard read. But... I seriously doubt you have taken any of the advice I offered regarding your next legal steps. I honestly think your last post reflects that, because it’s not in YOUR power to dictate custody or if he get’s the kids an occasional hour or not. I also seriously doubt that you can kick him out.
What I do know is that if he initiates the legal process – as in if you refuse him entry and he calls the police – then the balance of power swings into his favor. I therefore IN THE STRONGEST WAY POSSIBLE encourage YOU to take the legal initiative.
PLEASE!

Bigger is almost certainly right. Please, please read this and let it sink in.

What I do know is that if he initiates the legal process – as in if you refuse him entry and he calls the police – then the balance of power swings into his favor. I therefore IN THE STRONGEST WAY POSSIBLE encourage YOU to take the legal initiative.
PLEASE!

Thank you all for the advice, I’d rather someone be upfront with me. That’s what I come here for, people who unfortunately have walked this path and help guide me when I need it.

I will have a look at the domestic abuse helplines. I’ve applied for child maintenance which will take up to 6 weeks. I have an appointment for a different legal firm later on next week. You’re correct I can’t legally make him leave. I need to apply to the court for this. I did start that process but hadn’t got all the information I needed at hand. Which is now the highest on my list to sort.

I think I have more than enough evidence of his behaviour towards me from text messages, to I’m pretty certain a conversation on the security camera outside the home.

He has came back again tonight with all his belongings, and gone straight for alcohol. He said how heart broken he is about her and how upset she was because they were meant to be forever. (Rolls eyes) I just stared at him and walked off. I’ve avoided him as much as I can and will focus on the children, whilst sorting the legal stuff in the background.

His new angle to get at me is saying the kids blame me for all of this. And all they will remember is me arguing with their dad. - couple weeks ago I would of reacted but not anymore I just make a mental note.

[This message edited by Missmee at 12:10 AM, Saturday, November 8th]

Keep it up. He is considerably manipulative trying to keep you off balance. Dont fall for it. Get those legal boundaries established. Your no response is excellent. Paental alienation is a real thing. Shut it down. Be there for your kids. Document all of the negative things he says about you in front of the kids and share with your attorney. Good luck.

Maybe you need a voice activated recorder so that all of this verbal nonsense is recorded.

Keep it on you at all times and let him know you have it.

Is this something that is legally allowed in your country?

Now that alcohol is involved it becomes even harder for you as he is much more unpredictable in both his words and behavior.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:21 AM, Saturday, November 8th]

He has came back again tonight with all his belongings, and gone straight for alcohol. He said how heart broken he is about her and how upset she was because they were meant to be forever.

This whole thread is difficult for me to read. I really want to slap the shit out of your STBX. He's SO incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. You don't deserve this. I'm a person who believes reconciliation is possible, and can sympathize with a BS who wants to make it work, but I don't know if there's anything redeemable about this... "man." And I use that word very loosely.

*ETA: I'm sorry if that comes across as harsh, but I really feel for you. It's from a place of caring and concern. What he's doing is abusive. He's going to keep trying to play you and manipulate you. Don't fall for it.

[This message edited by Pogre at 3:50 PM, Saturday, November 8th]