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Hawaii, have you thought about maybe contacting your husband's exes, to see if they have had a similar type experience? I would not trust what your husband tells you, you're on your own to find out the truth.

If you are able to connect with his previous exes on this topic, that may help your decision one way or another in moving forward with him. Just a thought. If he has a history of this, it may be time to terminate. If not, and you're willing to give him a chance, than at least you know this was the only 3 times he's done it.

[This message edited by HeartbreakInHawaii at 7:36 AM, Saturday, March 14th]

The roller coaster is super hard, and I love your metaphor of being asked to draw a road map to a city you’ve never been to. My husband did that in the beginning—he wanted clear, consistent direction from me about everything he was supposed to do, when I was reeling and spinning through too many emotions to know what I wanted or what to do next.

I think it’s ok to say that you don’t know what you want yet. He caused the upheaval and uncertainty; he put you on the roller coaster. He’ll have to live with it while you figure things out for yourself.

If you’re struggling to figure out what you need and want from him (perfectly natural), I would say take a step back and just work on caring for yourself. About a month after I found out about my husband’s affair, I read Stosny’s Living and Loving after Betrayal. In some ways it was way too soon to read it—my world was still spinning too much for me to sift through it appropriately and get what I needed from it. But it had the very needed effect of putting my focus on healing and caring for myself rather than focusing on my husband and what I wanted from him.

I don’t feel like I have a lot of wisdom for how to approach possible reconciliation with your partner as he lives apart from you—my situation was so different. But I think turning your focus on yourself and your own needs is a good first step. If he values and wants the relationship, he can be patient and deal with uncertainty while you figure out what you want and need.

[This message edited by HeartbreakInHawaii at 7:37 AM, Saturday, March 14th]

I’m so very sorry. You seem like a strong person with a wonderful head on your shoulders and you will get through this, but betrayal and loss like this are so painful. Take care of yourself. Hugs.

We try to find the best in people, and most of the time we're rewarded for that. But when it comes to infidelity, our generosity can sometimes keep us from seeing what we don't want to see. This guy basically answered your offer to work with him, an offer he demonstratively does NOT deserve, with "what about me?"
Seriously, think about that for a minute. You're outlining a possible solution where he can save his relationship with you and he's all miffed that you have expectations. He has, in figurative terms, stuck a knife in your back, but to his mind your chief concern should be his depression and anxiety.

His depression and anxiety did NOT cause him to cheat. Lots of people have had depression and anxiety without cheating. Hell, I have had depression and anxiety without cheating. What it sounds like to me is that he's immersed himself in self-pity rather than deal with the fallout of his perfidy. It's possible that this is WHO HE IS and that he really is this selfish and narcissistic.

[This message edited by HeartbreakInHawaii at 7:37 AM, Saturday, March 14th]

You are grieving and it is on your timeline not anyone Else’s. Be sad. It is ok to feel the lose of trust, hopes and dreams.
Please look up personality disorders. He’s beginning to sound like he is either borderline, narcissistic or both. I do not have the qualifications to diagnose him I’m just making suggestions for you.

[This message edited by HeartbreakInHawaii at 7:38 AM, Saturday, March 14th]

Does anyone have advice about missing the companionship of a relationship post-A?

Go strictly and permanently no contact. Block him from your phone, social media, drop mutual friends, etc. He has his life and you have your completely separate life. That will gradually get him out of your system, to the point where you can start dating again, and your focus will no longer reside in him. Building up other activities in your life can help, as well, but as much as people will tell you that relationships aren't necessary for happiness, for most people they're important, so resuming dating is an important part of the process, after you've established and maintained strict no contact.

Another tip, if you tend to romanticize the past, is to write a list of all of the bad things he said and did, that you will never have to experience from him again. You can check that list periodically and add to it as bad memories pop into your head. Examples:

I will never again have to worry about if he is with someone else.

I will never again have to hear him tell me "isn't sure what he wants" despite me giving him all of my love.

Etc., etc. The list will also help you face the reality of what a bad relationship it was, and strengthen your resolve in moving on. It will also serve as a guide for what you do not want from a relationship in the future.

[This message edited by HeartbreakInHawaii at 7:39 AM, Saturday, March 14th]

You have to remind yourself he’s not the guy you thought he was. That guy no longer exists. He’s been replaced by the guy he is now.

So sorry for you.

Thanks, MG. I like the idea of a list a lot; makes things tangible.

You're most welcome. The list helped me get through the initial break-up period, like what you're describing. I don't need it or even have it anymore. I can't even remember when I deleted it. But I do remember that during that initial transition from partnered to single, it helped a lot to have the list. And everything on it was true. I'm better off now. I hope to find someone in the future (haven't started looking yet, partially because I'm overwhelmed with other issues especially a chronically sick child), but even if I don't, I'll be better off then I was with my cheater.

Hi there Hawaii,

I am so sorry you're going through this. You're grieving the partner you thought you had. You're grieving the plans you made. You're grieving your believe in love. It's so hard. Please know that every BS on here can relate with you and you are not alone in how you feel.

I read your comments and I just wanted to tell you that you sound like a fabulous human with a big heart and a lot of love to give. Remember your worth. You are a goddess and you deserve the best the world has to offer.

I wish you strength, positivity, grace, light and all the love in the world. Please take care of yourself.

Sending hugs.

That is a difficult spot to be in. I've been on the receiving end of a cheating husband and even found one of his flings showing up on my door step to by his (our) truck. Wow! He ended up losing his job once because he was caught having sex on the job. Hope it all works out for you.

[This message edited by HeartbreakInHawaii at 7:40 AM, Saturday, March 14th]

I’m so very sorry, heartbreak. You don’t deserve this. But I admire your strength and clarity. You will get through the pain and things will be better, but I wish you hadn’t had to go through this. ❤️

I’ve been three moves behind because you’ve never shown me the respect of being truthful or being my equal.

That's what it comes down to when we are in a dishonest relationship---being three steps behind in trying to find the truth.

Just the fact that we have to search for the truth is ridiculous. But when we KNOW that we have been wronged, and the guilty party doesn't even have the decency/respect to be honest with the one they are most intimate with, it speaks a lot about their character.

Unfortunately, your ex will now take his bag of brokenness, and apply it to his next relationship.

He may not read your text or letter.

And if he does he may not care.

Please don’t expect it to change anything. Not him. Not his selfish behavior. Not his poor choices.

I’m sorry it has come to this. But I think you need to stop putting him first.

Does anyone have advice about missing the companionship of a relationship post-A?

I just had this conversation last night. I quite a bit further along than you, but it has been a process. At first, I did everything wrong and then did most things wrong. Now, it's just some.

After I decided to D, I desperately tried to do two unhealthy things. The first was seek outside validation. I had been utterly discarded by my WW'S actions, so I needed to feel that I was not worthless. The second is I had this desperate need to try and recreate or at least find a substitute for the Norman Rockwell version of what I thought my life was. If I could find a replacement for as many of the features could, then things wouldn't be so bad. I got into a relationship far too soon and it further damaged me. Once that ended, I cycled through periods of loneliness and tried OLD, usually every 6-8 months and lasting only days or up to a week before giving up. I was the king of first dates but did not want second dates. If I did go on more than one date, I started to suffer panic attacks, with one lasting days. It was awful.

I have come to the conclusion that I may not becrelationship material any longer. I may be too damaged, but that's okay. I have also come to realize that being alone is not a curse, but may be just what I need. I am at peace and that is extremely important to me, as my marriage was filled with stress with my EXWW being what we call a crazy maker.

Last night I had a talk with a wo.an who agreed to be my plus one. We talkedover a glass of wine and she was expressing that she wanted more, but I told her that I just could not be in any type of relationship without suffering anxiety and panic attacks. When we agreed to a platonic friendship, I was created and really enjoyed it. Sadly, I think it is coming to an end, but I have grown so accustomed to being and doing alone, that I welcome the return.

I guess what I am saying is that you have been presented with an opportunity to really explore who you are. I know the circumstances are shit, but aside from that how else are we forced to grow? People would tell me that I would become a better, stronger person through this. I desperately had to resist the urge to punch them in the face, but now I must admit they were right.

Maybe look back at who you were before you met your WS. What were you like? What passions drove you? Rediscover those and remember, he did not complete you. That's just some shitty Hollywod writing. We are all complete on our own.