Topic is Sleeping.
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:13 PM on Sunday, October 16th, 2022
His comments reek of manipulation. He knows you want reconciliation. You told him when confronted. He wants this to be easy on him. If you want him,and you aren't sure if she wants to stay, you will be nice and sweet. You won't expect anything from him. You will walk on eggshells to keep him. He's a master manipulator.
You say everyone would be shocked. Mmm..maybe not. Several BS thought the same thing. Then,once the truth was out, it was the BS that was shocked to find out many people knew their spouse was a cheater. But the truth was kept from them for a number of reasons.
Tell your mom. You need her.
But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..
Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 6:21 PM on Sunday, October 16th, 2022
This is an injury. It’s as if he took a gun and deliberately aimed it at you and deliberately shot you. You would be in the hospital under the care of a Physician to help you get better. You would have counselors and family and friends rallying around your bed to help you recover. He is now rubbing salt into that wound by telling you he’s not sure he wants to stay married to you. This is a man playing you and it’s grossly unfair. He either wants in the marriage or he does not but it’s time for you to tell him make his mind up or you will make it up for him.
I used to follow a blog, which has now disappeared, about a woman who spent almost every day in her bathroom crying. People who are cheated on are wounded animals and just like wounded animals in the wild they go to their lair, their den, their safe place. That might be yours, your bathroom.
You need help. You need family, friends and a therapist to give you support.
When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 7:25 PM on Sunday, October 16th, 2022
Oh no!!! 😢
You are at the point of finally letting this sink in. You actually "heard" he wants out of the relationship and he was honest and said that was why he had an affair.
Please accept his words for what they are. He is basically SHOUTING that he wants out. And when he agrees to"work on things" with you he’s giving in to his fear of actually making the move to end it with you.
He’s safe with you. You are the sure thing. His rock. His support.
He’s like a kid going off to college. Leaving the safety of the nest to go forth. That is your guy. He WANTS to leave but he’s afraid to leave.
IMO you need to leave him or throw him out. Immediately. I was in your shoes. I listened to my H play me like a yo-yo for 6 tortuous months. He’d want a D & then change his mind.
I’m begging you not to let him string you along. You think where you are right now is bad? Think about being on an emotional rollercoaster where you think you are R and he’s just along for the ride.
That was me. But on dday2 I put a stop to it.
My mistake was not listening to my H when he first said he wanted a D. I should have walked away right then. It would have saved be from 6 months of false reconciliation and the devastation that came with it.
[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:26 PM, Sunday, October 16th]
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 8:34 PM on Sunday, October 16th, 2022
Was it Ester Perel’s TED talk? 😐
They can make as many promises as they want, but if they don't put action behind it, it doesn't mean anything.
I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.
Jojorabbit80 (original poster new member #81161) posted at 9:19 PM on Sunday, October 16th, 2022
Yes the TED talk was ester pearl
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:29 PM on Sunday, October 16th, 2022
You'll find that Ester isn't popular here. She is known for romantisizing affairs,blaming the BS, and excusing affairs as something that is empowering.
Anything she says is garbage.
Cheaters LOVE her. She let's them blame their BS for their actions. She's a wayward apologist.
But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..
ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 9:49 PM on Sunday, October 16th, 2022
Agreed with Hellfire.. Esther Perel is a cheater apologist who has no problem minimizing the traumatic injury done to the faithful partner during infidelity. She's a hack, and cheaters love her because she uses the same rationalizations they do. As a therapist, she's like a broken clock, only right twice a day and wrong the rest of the time.
I want to tell my mother. I can’t keep this a secret anymore.
Build a support network in real life. While it's true that you can't un-tell anyone and maybe you don't want to talk about it with your barista six months from now because you blurted it all out in line at Starbucks, but for your key people, the people you can't fool into believing nothing's wrong?.. yeah, it's a pain in the ass sometimes, but you need your key people. Actions have consequences, and one of those consequences for the cheater is that people are going to find out what he did. You weren't put on this earth to be that guy's secret keeper to the detriment of your own mental health. Build your support network and never think you don't have a perfect right to decide who knows what regarding the facts of your life.
((big hugs)) It doesn't feel like it today, but you ARE going to be okay. We've all been there and we're still kicking. 
BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs); Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 10
Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 12:29 AM on Monday, October 17th, 2022
Did you ever do couples counseling at some point in your relationship prior to his A’s? If yes, did the issue of sex get discussed?
I wholeheartedly agree that IC is a must for the both of you prior to any thought of MC. You were both in the same relationship but had very divergent views on how each viewed the relationship. You seemed supremely happy. Did your WP visibly express any displeasure along the way?
My guess is no and this lack of communication on both sides obviously must improve if you are to R - perhaps both of you recognized issues in the sexual arena but never discussed it openly.
To me, at first blush, It sounds like there are enough positives in the relationship, that with IC followed by MC, you can potentially R.
Jojorabbit80 (original poster new member #81161) posted at 12:00 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022
Did you ever do couples counseling at some point in your relationship prior to his A’s? If yes, did the issue of sex get discussed?
No. We never did couples counseling. Yes, the issue of sex got discussed, and it definitely affected him more with not being satisfied. I found it difficult for myself and he was frustrated. He did articulate this but we kind of stopped trying. I got very depressed and had no interest the last few years and he didn’t seem to mind. Sure every now and then we’d try but it was not penetration.
My guess is no and this lack of communication on both sides obviously must improve if you are to R - perhaps both of you recognized issues in the sexual arena but never discussed it openly. We did discuss in the moment but then put it to the side- well I did. We rug swept it. I should have been more proactive, but honestly as we got older I didn’t have as much interest in sex.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:04 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022
Esther Perel focuses on what WSes say their motives for cheating were. She doesn't emphasize the fact that those motivations are lies the WSes tell themselves.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 7:26 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022
Careful w/ bearing the burden of his choices.
Sounds like you have had both medical, and mental health issues that probably largely contributed to decreased sex drive. Lots of people deal with this, and don't cheat.
He STILL CHOSE, yes CHOSE to break his promises, his vows, and cheat.
I personally don't buy the I wasn't getting enough as a legit reason to cheat. He needs to dig deeper. That's bullshit. Maybe he really likes the Ego Kibbles. The extra attention. Or maybe he just wanted to.
He needs to go deeper, and you need to call out bullshit when you see and hear it, and sister this is a big old pile of it.
NOTHING you did or did not do caused him to cheat. The way you look the way you act are not causes for him to cheat. Do NOT accept it.
Do get tested for STD's, DO see an attorney and learn your rights, and understand his obligations. DO figure out what your absolutes are for your needs to feel safe, and allow him to continue to be your partner.
Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.
Sigyn ( member #80576) posted at 8:46 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022
Ugh I am so so sorry you're here! I'm just a couple of months ahead of you arriving here, in my case one of my husband's mistresses reached out to me, but I wanted to tell you a few things I've learned in my short time it this particular hellfire.
1. Please believe the things everyone here writes about your partner, including that he's still seeing his other woman, and that the text breakup was staged. Every single thing the experienced posters here told me about my husband turned out to be true. Even the things I was positive they were wrong about. I don't know how they nailed it based on the limited information I provided, but they accurately predicted all of the dismal, painful realities I was about to face during and after confrontation.
2. If you have family who can act as a support system for you, please tell at least one person. You NEED someone in your corner, someone who loves you, someone outside your marriage. It's okay if they change the way they feel about your partner - you need their support more than your relationship needs their (unknowing) approval. You have to practice self preservation first. And if one of your loved ones thinks less of him because he has a side girlfriend or two or more, then that's okay. His behavior really was and is atrocious. If you agree to work things out with him and he's willing to put in the hard work, your loved ones will see that and support you staying with him. Please don't isolate yourself to preserve the illusion of a perfect relationship. Lean on people. The people here, the people in your real life.
3. I don't think the sex thing was why he cheated. You don't send cat pictures and "all of you, even the crazy parts" to someone just to get sex. He was getting emotional intimacy, vacations, a full relationship with someone. If he was filling in the only missing piece and that was just sex, then he would have just had sex with others. He sought out full relationships, that's different. That's not someone filling in one missing piece. That's someone having more than one intimate, emotional relationship at a time. Please don't let him point to sex as his why - his why is that he was open in his body, heart and mind to other women. My guess is he would have done this even with an active home sex life. Mine did. We had sex 4 or 5 times a week and he still had other women he traveled with and went to concerts with and all of that. The lack of sex your partner is emphasizing is the only finger he can point away from himself.
I'm really sorry. I wish I had more wisdom but please know you're not alone.
Jojorabbit80 (original poster new member #81161) posted at 9:26 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022
So today we went to couples counseling in person. I think this therapist is better than the other person we saw. She wants to see me in I.C. So I made an appointment with her. I had taken pictures on my phone of all his pictures with OW, and today when I went to go over my collection, they were all gone from my phone!! Every single picture I screen shot from his cell! GONE! I didn't say anything until after therapy. I said "Did you delete my photos?" and he looked guilty and ashamed and said "yes. I deleted them off my phone" and then I said "You went into my phone and deleted them?" he paused and said "Yes" I asked why and he said "so we could move on."
WTF that was MY evidence and security!!!!
Now I look like the crazy person.
when he deleted those photos I was making connections between texts and dates of photos and calendar dates. It's all gone. I checked my deleted folder- they aren't even there! (he's an IT guy so knew what to do to) even though google photos say they will be there for 30 days- they are nowhere to be found! And of course the pictures were deleted from all devices. I only have my notes I wrote when I first found out making some connections and only 2 text messages on my phone.
You all have been right about him. WTF.
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:42 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022
He already expects you to move on??
Going into your phone was another betrayal.
Get a new password. 180. He desperately needs consequences.
[This message edited by HellFire at 9:47 PM, Monday, October 17th]
But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..
LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 9:45 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022
So yet again you have him putting his needs first and wrecking your security in the process. I’m sorry but he is a selfish manipulative prick, it’s smoke and mirrors and evidently he is forcing you to rugsweep "so we can move on" no no no HE doesn’t set the calendar on when he gets forgiven here, he does not control this. It’s still all about him, he is twisting his words by saying it’s for the good of the relationship but it’s not, he would have talked to you about his concerns before deleting the data, he is looking out for himself.
It’s worrying you waited to raise your concern in private, why are you stepping on eggshells in therapy?
Bare minimum please look up the 180 method and start doing it. You have no control in your own life right now, he is too manipulative and forceful with his opinions about this.
If he is in IT get him to restore everything in good faith. He won’t? He is protecting the affair. More proof this is not NSA, she probably told him to delete it.
If you share property please get legal advice on what your rights are if you separate. The more you know what the other side looks like the less scary it becomes, plus you’ll be equipped with knowing what your rights are.
[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 11:05 PM, Monday, October 17th]
They can make as many promises as they want, but if they don't put action behind it, it doesn't mean anything.
I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.
20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 9:51 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022
I actually do believe that some marriages can bounce back from infidelity as stronger, healthier relationships.
Most don’t
This missing element is narcissism.
When come partner doesn’t respect, nor treasure, their partner, it’s doomed to fail.
For those of use who don’t lie and cheat, we have the potential. But, if we pair with the other kind of person, it’s destined for failure
I have never cheated, and I think lying is too much work.
I married someone who seemed empathetic, but it was his mask
Only one person doing the work to keep the relationship going isn’t successful
BW, 54 WH 53 When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas
Heartbroken74 ( new member #81181) posted at 10:05 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022
I'm sorry you've been hurt like that, I have just found out as well. My husband is also the nicest guy in any room, it's difficult to believe he would cause me so much pain and be so selfish. But he did.
Stay strong, don't accept his lies, you will recover. You're stronger than what he caused you.
Heartbroken74
Me - 50yo WH-52 Son - 29DDay - 25/09/2022TTOEA - 2003PA - 2014LTA - Virtual/Physical 2011-2022DD - April 06/2022 LTA 2011-2018 (virtual), turned physical (2018-2022)"Hell must break before I am lost/before I am lost hell must open li
BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 10:37 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022
Destroying evidence from your phone while he's supposedly all-in to heal the relationship? That's seriously messed up!!
So to restore trust and heal the relationship he secretly accessed your phone and deleted evidence you needed to heal? I just about can't wrap my head around this.
He is still very comfortable making decisions "for" you and "for" the relationship. Nah. Nope. No, sir!
He is trying to cover his ass, reduce your knowledge and, thus, consequences to himself. He is still firmly in self-centered mode. He thinks gets to call the shots and make all decisions.
From here on out assume the worst.
He won't give details? Assume the worst you can imagine.
You are wondering about his motivation and commitment? Assume the worst.
I'm so sorry that it's getting worse, not better. You don't deserve any of this. Take care of yourself. Circle your wagons and reach out for the support you need. Tell trusted friends and family.
"...lately it's not hurtin' like it did before. Maybe I am learning how to love me more."[Credit to Sam Smith]
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:48 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022
I've been thinking about this. I don't think OW is as single as he's led you to believe. I think he might have deleted those screenshots,so you can't show them to her husband. I think he might have done it to protect her.
But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..
LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 11:11 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022
I agree with Hellfire on this. This is protective behaviour, he is covering his ass, her ass and the affairs ass. To kill an affair you need to drag it fully into the light, reveal all the ugliness that it is, pop that bubble. He instead has plunged it back into mystery, back into the darkness.
His actions contradict his words. He really believes he can fool you doesn’t he?
[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 11:14 PM, Monday, October 17th]
They can make as many promises as they want, but if they don't put action behind it, it doesn't mean anything.
I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.
Topic is Sleeping.
