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You have been in this journey as long as I have. I relate to the idea you still work on things. I would say though, mine is now quieter. I am observant and vigilant - the biggest one is my tendency to be avoidant, though boundaries and making sure that I know what I want and need and am addressing those things come into play.

It sounds a bit like you still struggle with shame. Shame is not an emotion, it’s more of a conviction "I am bad" or "I am not enough". I would say trace the origins of where you started feeling that. Mine was very young and as I dissected the things that made me feel that way it was abusive situations that weren’t even my fault. Knowing that and internalizing it are two different things.

Practice your self talk. Steer away from the perfectionism (recover perfectionist here)

"I am getting better all the time"

"I care deeply about how I treat people and have worked to make amends for that"

"I am good at being a mom, a wife"

Make sure you steer yourself to the present moment as much as possible. Practice being in your body.

Do activities that allow you to be in flow state as well as give you feelings of accomplishment.

We are all works in progress.

I say all this because I think you can begin to think about leaning more into self compassion.

Not many people work in themselves for that long, and at some point it’s less about recovery and more about realizing you are exactly where you need to be and doing what you should and you will continue to be vigilant and learn new skills.

I heard someone say the other day that it’s not about the marriage of the past, it’s about building something new with someone different.

It’s okay to rest and find the joy in life again. Maybe work on some breathing exercises and a gratitude practice and include some of the ways you are giving gifts to yourself and those you love in that practice.

I see so much of myself in what you are saying. I don’t have a bad marriage before my affair but I had painted myself into a corner in which I couldn’t continue the way I was anymore. So we have those differences but the hypervigilence and willingness to keep working despite our spouses being fine where we are, those are things that have good things and unhealthy things mixed in. I had to lean away from being hard on myself all the time for not doing everything perfectly. I also hear a little of you stay in your head instead of feeling your feelings. I have had to make big adjustments there.

Sometimes we are hardest on ourselves and balance is hard to find sometimes.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:52 AM, Wednesday, July 1st]

That makes a lot of sense. Thank you all.

Hi BoiledEggs, I only read your initial post so this may not be relevant . . . but what I thought of when I read it is that the skills you are putting into place are scaffoldings, and it is important to keep in mind the actual structure as well as the scaffolds. The scaffolds are extremely important! Being able to take a time-out/pause, but then reengage as soon as you feasibly can; intentionally mirroring; asking about the other person's feelings; using feeling rather than thinking words, etc - these are are all good and helpful things, but I think all of them are on the way toward something else. For example, intentionally mirroring is a scaffold toward being interested in and invested in someone else's experience. Asking about their feelings is a way to be intentional about finding out about their experience. But the structure that you are working towards building is being so genuinely curious about their experience, their feelings, that you don't need scaffolds because the care, interest, curiosity, and love is what drives your action. So that's the thing I wanted to mention, to put the scaffolds into place - yes! That's very important, and I use these kinds of scaffolds all over the place in my life, in my relationships, in my decisions about food and exercise, etc etc etc. But I think it's important to be aware of what the underlying structure is that you are building, and sometimes step back and see if the scaffolds are working, if they are still helpful, or if new ones are needed. Keep up the good work!