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Exactly. Keep the no contact up unless you really need to talk to him, kid's, finances. Show him how strong you are.

He is a physically intimidating person. He has only hurt me twice in our 25 years but he gets scary when he’s mad so I do cower and I am afraid of him.

I raised our children, not him. He has no idea how to be a dad.

He logged into my FB account and read private text messages to two of my friends a hit what is going on and yelled at me for even talking about doing anything legal and called me a liar.

I’m scared of him now. I’m afraid he will see what I’m posting here. I’m scared all the time.

But then . . .

I miss him terribly and still have not adjusted to being without him.

You are in an abusive relationship. You have always been in an abusive relationship. What about reaching out to DV services or a shelter for support??? Something is very wrong with this man, very wrong.

He has told the kids all of this is my fault and they are tired of hearing it and hold no anger toward me. They knew what I did back then. I had to work to get their forgiveness back then. And they did forgive me. They see the situation better than I do and tell me all the time this isn’t my fault. I have amazing kids that deserve to be happy.

Your kids are smart. They can see the difference between a parent who commits adultery, rejects her transgression, and earns her family's forgiveness and one who doesn't. Adultery is adultery. Yours doesn't mitigate his. And right now... one of you is a remorseful former cheater who is home with her family and one of you is a defiant, active cheater who has abandoned his wife and children. Kids aren't dumb.

He is a physically intimidating person. He has only hurt me twice in our 25 years but he gets scary when he’s mad so I do cower and I am afraid of him.

I've known my fWH for forty years now, and you know how many times he's physically hurt me?... zero. None. Nada. Zilch. Violence is NEVER okay. If you're afraid of him, please don't hesitate to call the national domestic abuse hotline and get help...1-800-799-7233. They're not going to insist that you do anything you're not ready forz, so don't worry about that.

OP if he has physically hurt you in the past please be careful and call a DV hotline for support and advice.

As far as seeing a therapist. Could you suggest he sees one with the kids without you?

I am also curious. When he tells you all these hurtful things, how do you respond? Do you defend yourself or do you say nothing and just take it?

When I cheated he was a bully. The kids were younger and I would always tell them to be careful around dad. He’s in a bad mood today so let’s give him space and be quiet. He would get angry at the drop of a hat and could get mean. That’s why I cheated. I was so unhappy but I did still love him. I was just afraid of him and wanted to find someone who cared about me. Found the exact opposite of what I was looking for and hurt him and my family in the process.

He could be very loving and kind and helpful and supportive. He has always had a bad temper that scares me though. I spent hours last night going through our texts. Went all the way back to 2019. All I see there is love. How could it all have been a lie and go away so quickly?

When he gets angry and starts yelling at me about all the things I’ve done I do try to defend myself and tell him I tried everything I could to improve our relationship and how sorry I am. He says he knows that but it doesn’t matter. He turns it back on me and said he wouldn’t have been with someone else if I hadn’t done what I did. He says he never expected to fall in love but it fell in his lap and he’s happy now and we should be happy for him. I just shut down eventually and take it. He always turns it back on me so what’s the point?

I don’t think he would hurt me now so I’m not sure why I’m so scared. It’s not like he beat the crap out of me before or anything like that. I don’t want to get into details. I’m still scared he will see these posts. I went back and deleted quite a few cause I was scared he would find them somehow. I’m sure I will do that again.

Haven’t slept much the past few nights. Wake up with panic attacks every morning. I’m so tired and nothing I do wears me out enough. I work out every day til I’m sore. The revenge body is coming along nicely.

That’s why I cheated. I was so unhappy but I did still love him. I was just afraid of him and wanted to find someone who cared about me. Found the exact opposite of what I was looking for and hurt him and my family in the process.

But if you had found what you were looking for, how would that be different from what your WH is doing now? Would it have been ok if the AP swept you away and delivered endless validation instead of deceiving and disappointing you?

As much as I ache for you in the circumstances you describe, you have a lot more work to do if you think that him being mean is why you cheated. It may be why you wanted to cheat, but it's not why you gave yourself permission to actually do it. It feels like neither you nor your husband can tell the difference. He couldn't do what he's doing right now if he weren't deeply selfish, narcissistic, lacking in empathy, and skilled at blameshifting. He's also capable of astounding levels of denial in believing that a woman with AP's history has gone after him out of true love rather than opportunism. Many BS fantasize about revenge, but only those BS with inherently wayward qualities of their own can actually make the leap to become madhatters.

The reason you actually pulled the trigger and cheated is probably the same reason you can't walk away from an abusive man. It's terror of being alone. If you had been less afraid of that, you could have left your marriage with integrity. You can't undo the past, but it's not too late to do the psychological work of letting him go. It will help you build a better future for you and your kids.

He turns it back on me and said he wouldn’t have been with someone else if I hadn’t done what I did. He says he never expected to fall in love but it fell in his lap and he’s happy now and we should be happy for him.

He's a liar. If his integrity was what it ought to be, if he actually BELIEVED in core values like Fidelity, he couldn't have gone through with it. He's the SAME as you were back then, probably not giving a whole lot of thought to things like core values and just assuming that your belief system was something you'd stand on. But when push came to shove, you didn't have BOUNDARIES surrounding your core values of Fidelity and Honesty, so there was nothing on the inside to make you stop before you acted. It's the SAME with him. He's cheating because there's NOTHING inside to stop him. He's no better than you. In fact, he's worse. Because he knows the pain and loss of being betrayed in a way that you couldn't have understood it before, by experience, and yet he is absolutely WILLING to inflict that on you. And then.. to rub it in your face.

I agree, absolutely, with everything BSR said in her last post. I think you might make great progress by revisiting your why's and learning more about what really motivated you to behave the way you did. Believe it or not, it can make you stronger to figure out where you went wrong. Further, to really achieve healing, you've got to employ some empathy for yourself and get out of your shame spiral. There's so much you can learn from the recovered WS in wayward. Give it some thought.

When I cheated he was a bully. The kids were younger and I would always tell them to be careful around dad. He’s in a bad mood today so let’s give him space and be quiet. He would get angry at the drop of a hat and could get mean.

I think you'd do well to think about how your life was back then, and how it is now with him rubbing his affair in your face... and then imagine a peaceful home with you and your kids where you never have to tiptoe around that man's temper, where his moodiness is no longer a factor in your life, where you are FREE to make your life into whatever you want it to be. I know it's scary. But try to imagine what YOU might build.

And please, do take OIN's advice and read The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. Make that a priority. It really can help you.

Kel may I suggest you explore with your IC how to respond in case your husband starts the insults and blame game. I grew up with a father who had a temper and always had to walk on eggshells careful not to set him off. And anything could set him off. My father also loves to blame others when he is angry about anything. For example, if he called me and I was in the shower I heard how upset he was that i dodges his call and that I never pick up the phone when he calls. With the help of my therapist I saw that the way I responded to his accusations was to defend myself and explain why I could not do x y z. She showed me that what he sas doing was in fact emotional abuse. I practiced and changes the way I responded to his accusations by responding in more neutral way and it made a huge differance. See if your therapist can help you with finding some strategies. Because at the end of the day you don't need to listen, engage of defend yourself against crazy.

I’m still scared he will see these posts. I went back and deleted quite a few cause I was scared he would find them somehow. I’m sure I will do that again.

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ETA: I see you have not deleted entire posts. Editing is within the guidelines.

[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 12:10 PM, Friday, December 31st]