SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When choosing R is a possibility, daily mind changing is absolutely normal. Have faith that you will settle down one way or another. That never happens fast enough to satisfy anyone going through it, but it will happen.

You're making decisions that are going to affect, on average, 20-30 years of your life. There's no rush, even though one wants to get the data-gathering and decision-making over yesterday, if not earlier.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:47 PM, Saturday, January 11th]

@sisoon

You're making decisions that are going to affect, on average, 20-30 years of your life. There's no rush, even though one wants to get the data-gathering and decision-making over yesterday, if not earlier.

Not trying to hijack the thread, but I’m curious about a couple of things here.

1. I’m 51, so I don’t actually feel like there shouldn’t a rush here. Not literally, but figuratively, I don’t have all day. I want to live my life.

2. We’re in a marriage still. Maybe it’s a dying or dead marriage, but it’s still there. And it wasn’t supposed to be anything but til death do us part.

If someone is in the marriage, shouldn’t they be looking at it from that perspective first? What I mean is, if you can’t give a til death do is part kind of effort, get the fuck out of the marriage cause it’s not fair to your partner. Right?

N&B,

I am sorry your sons had to learn about this but you now have allies in your recovery and healing. It also adds another layer in accountability for your husband. He’s been unfaithful not only to his wife but also to his children. Might be a good idea to ask your sons to see a therapist. This is a difficult thing to process even as adults.

I hope you are taking care of yourself. Make yourself a priority , not the marriage and definitely not the pressure to take decisions at this point.

If someone is in the marriage, shouldn’t they be looking at it from that perspective first? What I mean is, if you can’t give a til death do is part kind of effort, get the fuck out of the marriage cause it’s not fair to your partner. Right?

I agree. However, it does take some time for the shock and awe of the trauma caused by infidelity to calm enough to determine if both partners are capable of going to full ‘death do us part’ work.

It was a full 3-6 months after dday for me to get my feet back on the ground. I had to determine if I forgave her, would that be enough, would love be enough (love wasn’t enough to stop an affair), would my wife be able to beyond her shame (not every WS owns their choices — some do, some don’t).

Yes, we were still married, but the foundation of the relationship had to be rebuilt. That takes time.

It’s hard to tell people to be patient, I wasn’t patient either, at all. I need a plan and a result, now — that’s how I normally approach anything.

I would have to say healing enough to be able to jump back in with both feet (or jump out with both feet) takes more time than I thought it would or should.

If you're a US resident and exactly 51, your life expectancy is 27.3 years. The years go by fast, for sure, but patience now is likely to pay off for you, since 27 years is a pretty big chunk of time for a human being.

Look, I know you want to avoid more pain, but taking time now may very well, lower your future pain. Frankly, if your co-dependence aims at avoiding pain, then taking time to make your decision may be a step out of co-d.

Yeah, I thought we married for life - but I always knew we'd be lucky if that happened; after all, lots of Ms end in D.

Once I became a BS, I stopped thinking about what's 'fair' in M. Even now, I don't care about fairness in our M - all I think about is what I want and what my W wants. When it comes down to only one of us gets what we want, we make a decision. Sometimes I get my way; sometimes she gets hers. But the outcome of any issue is based on what we choose to do - and if we choose something, it's because we want it, all things considered.

One big question I had to answer after d-day was, 'Do I want to spend the rest of my life with my WS?' IMO, that's a critical question that every BS needs to answer, if they are considering R.

And what Ow says.