SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Asterisk, I tried not to write a book about my experience because I was never officially in or out of infidelity because it was all played out under the surface. When I write about it, it sounds very cold blooded but it was not.
In order to help you understand where I’m coming from. I need to preface all of it with an explanation of how I live my life. I don’t suffer from sadness unless I’ve had an actual loss. I’ve lost family members, very beloved ones, and that’s thrown me for a loop like it always does to others. I can know sadness but I don’t know depression. I am incapable of being sad for any length of time at all. I feel very blessed in my life. I like where I live, I love who I live with, I love my children, and I love my friends. If I can tell you one thing that I enjoy almost more than anything else is laughing. My best friend and I talk nearly every day and we always find something to laugh about. If I could give anyone on here a suggestion, even if it sounds like Pollyanna, it’s find a friend that makes you have a belly laugh every day.
I really have no idea why I did not make, at least, a comment to my husband after I was told. I know I recognized the difficult time, financially, as I would have a hard time trying to care for my children by myself but that can’t be the only reason. I guess it never seemed real to me because it was while he was traveling. All these years later I cannot remember even getting angry, scared or hurt. I just kept going. I knew my ws cheated. That altered my perception of him but I guess I never felt threatened by any of it. Very weird when I think about it. I just cannot get bent out of shape by the stuff.
I lost some very beloved people fairly early in my life and it made me rethink how to live my life. I just try to enjoy and appreciate and feel gratitude for every day that I have on this planet.

There are lots of reasons to choose suffering, my short list…

1. Getting yourself out of suffering probably takes work, and it is easier to just let inertia work its magic and keep you in place.

2. Suffering and victimhood go together closely. When you are a victim, it is because you were wronged, which means you are right. You are superior to whoever wronged you, and that superior-ness can be a subtle ego boost.

3. Suffering and rumination go together closely. Whatever else you can say about ruminating and mind movies, they are not boring. Really, anything that has a heap of emotion attached to it is not boring. We don’t tend to think about things that are boring. We will spend our precious time thinking about things that are interesting or fascinating, even if they are painful.

4. When you’ve been a victim and you’ve been suffering long enough, it becomes a part of who you are, it defines you. You are the person that suffers from the affair. It strengthens your ego, even if it is painful. It is a key part of your story, and the story must be maintained. If you were to stop suffering and stop being a victim, then who would you be?

Cooley2here,

Thank you for your follow up explanation. I am still bewildered to the "how" but that is of no importance. What does matter is that you are happy with the "how" and that is what counts. As I said, and sincerely meant it, my hats off to you.

I would like to add that I too laugh every day and that laughing buddy you suggested one find is, in my case, my wife. I don’t use the word "blessed" because it has been hijacked, so I say fortunate, I love and experience love every single day. And as hard as it may be to believe, I can say all that you have said for I have not allowed (infidelity) to destroy what was not its right to destroy. But, for me, I did feel many deep losses when the betrayal was exposed. How one doesn’t, is, for me, bewildering, but I do honor your explanation.

Asterisk

2. Suffering and victimhood go together closely. When you are a victim, it is because you were wronged, which means you are right. You are superior to whoever wronged you, and that superior-ness can be a subtle ego boost.
4. When you’ve been a victim and you’ve been suffering long enough, it becomes a part of who you are, it defines you. You are the person that suffers from the affair. It strengthens your ego, even if it is painful. It is a key part of your story, and the story must be maintained. If you were to stop suffering and stop being a victim, then who would you be?

These two paragraphs really hits at the bullseye. I need more time to think them through and will address them soon.
As a sidenote, the book you suggested is arriving today and I’ll begin reading it. I’m a very slow, methodical reader, and do not enjoy reading one bit, but I will doggishly read and attempt to hear and apply the message.

Thank you,
Asterisk