SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yeah, it takes time. Sorry you felt that way because of what he said. You ARE beautiful.

I know I shouldn't be comparing myself to the woman he cheated on me. But I can't help it.

We all understand the comparison and have the appropriate tshirt. 🙄

He took the cowards way out.

In the moment of despair, unfortunately you brought it up first (no blame) and he is so gutless-he chose to hurt you more-rather than admit his spineless reasons.

You are lovely and deserve so much more. Your babies are a testament to the trauma that your incredibly strong body endured!

He can f&@k all the way off.

(Hugs)

My husband said some pretty idiotic stuff at the time of discovery. Like literally head up his ass bullshit. You have to consider the source.

Your spouse doesn’t have enough forethought to know not to stick his penis in other people, much less the ability to understand why he stuck it in other people.

It would be like your mechanic giving you medical advice. Consider the source.

Tell him you couldn’t hear him about your weight because his head was too far up his ass to be audible for speaking.

WTF.

He sounds like a fantastic human.

Ugh. I’m sorry.

Having children changes your soul. Of course it’s going to change your body. Ain’t nothing the same after having kids.

Freaking Beyoncé got cheated on. Please. It’s not about you. It’s about his piss poor coping skills when your world ceased to revolve around his toddler attitude.

I’m sorry. I chose poorly, too.

Ugh. What he said to you is so disgusting.

Find your rage, girl.

My husband is honest, I can at least give him that. I keep asking questions, he keeps answering. He's also been digging himself into a even bigger hole. Some things he has admitted:
● My weight is a factor of him cheating on me.
● He said I'm still sexy just not as sexy as before I got pregnant the 2nd time.
● Appearantly my 2nd pregnancy screwed with my looks far more than the 1st pregnancy.
● He said I smell funny when I sweat since my 2nd pregnancy.
● In terms of looks out of 10, he gives me a 7 while the woman he cheated on me gets a 10.

Am I just being cruel to myself at this point asking him all of this ?

He said he loves me, and will try his best to never cheat on me again. He promised that if he ever cheat on me again, he'll tell me like how he told me about this time. He said he doesn't want to keep anything from me.

And yes we're going to do both individual counseling and marriage counseling.

I think we can survive this. In terms of how bad cheating can get, a one time thing then a quick confession is a lesser form.

I'll appreciate if anyone here can tell me if I'm doing anything that is making the situation worse.

Yes, you’re giving an idiot an audience and asking a person who lacks insight to tell you insightful things about his reasons behind violating his moral compass. If he has one.

It was stupid of me to think my WS had deep insight into his reasons why he dipped his wiener into a barely legal 20 year old when he was 43. Ask stupid questions, get stupid answers.

And I mean this with love and compassion for you. I’m so sorry you decided to have children with a superficial human being who disappoints in the depth arena.

I did too.

That’s what deserves thought: why my picker is so broken that I chose a man with the brain of a toddler. That is a process that takes time and lots of work.

I am still working to forgive myself for picking a dude who decimated my life to have sex with a barely legal 20 year old. I want to vomit.

My weight? Not nearly as gross as the blinders I put on when I chose him. wtf. And I weigh 100 lbs less now than when he cheated on me. The rage made me starve myself. I needed to lose the weight, and I used it to spend so much hating on my body. I didn’t deserve my hate. I turned it to myself. Some women turn it to the other woman.

But few of us turn it to where it belongs. And it belongs firmly on the grown ass dude acting out like a toddler.

Part of my work is to learn to not hate myself for my bad choices and the repercussions of my bad choices.

I can do better. I can love myself with exercise and making healthier choices.

You deserve to love yourself. I’m sorry he stole that from you.

It’s not about the weight. Lose it if you want, whatever. But 100lbs later, I’m still married to an asshat. And now I’m having to deal with it 15 years later.

Do better than I have. It’s not too late.

And he’s not honest. He cheated on you.

He's not just being honest. He's just being cruel at this point. My wife has battled with weight a few times since having our son. She weighed around 125 lbs at her smallest and got up to 180 at her heaviest, and she's 5' 4" tall. She just recently shed about 35 lbs and is starting to flirt with her pre pregnancy weight again. She still calls herself "fat" but the only thing I say to that is that I think she's looking amazing.

I have never, ever told her she's fat, heavy, unattractive or anything like that. At worse, I gently expressed concern for her health a couple of times when she started gaining a lot. I've never cheated on her, and I've had opportunities. I've never even considered it. Her weight has no bearing on how I see her or feel about her. Even if he hides behind "I'm just being honest" there are ways to be honest without weaponizing it and bludgeoning you with "the truth." I still to this day, 27 years later, only see the pretty girl I married when I look at her, and I tell her that often.

He rated you a 7 and his AP a 10? I'm sorry, but at this point I think he can fuck ALL the way off.

[This message edited by Pogre at 12:14 AM, Thursday, January 29th]

The things he is telling you aren’t reasons to cheat on you.

The might be reasons have a discussion.

The reasons he chose cheating instead of talking to you about his concerns could indicate many things that he needs to address before you can even decide what you should do permanently. I know you are saying you are just doing to try and most people do need to take some time to process and see what unfolds.

Here are some likely suspects to why he really cheated, these are true and common reasons people cheat and I think most every case I have every read about number one is a given for all ws.

1. He feels he is entitled to do what he wants about his unhappiness with no regard towards you or your children.

2. He lacks the integrity to do the right thing when no one is watching.

3. His likely an avoidant personality which means he needs to learn how to have conflict and hard conversations.

4. He has lack of empathy over what he did. Blaming you is the indicator. He is not considering your feelings, he is only considering his own.

The only thing that might be at all in his favor is if he confessed on his own. But even the. You have to ask yourself, did he just do it to alleviate the guilt? Or did he really feel you deserved to know?ask him the question open ended without giving those as options.

Don’t let him put you in a position where you have to feel bad or ashamed of yourself about a normal process most moms goes through, he is the one who should be ashamed and embarrassed. You are the prize to be won here, not the other way around. Don’t let him convince you of that, because once he does he will feel free to do it again.

And I know you don’t know me as a poster but I am happily reconciled, I believe in second chances, just that second chances can’t be give lightly. If you don’t respect and protect yourself he won’t either.

Therapy will help with this and you are totally having a normal initial reaction. But he is doing damage here that I can’t sit and watch without asking you to see a different perspective. You deserve better than any of this so far. Far far better.

[This message edited by hikingout at 12:04 AM, Thursday, January 29th]

There's also cause and effect: he didn't cheat because he finds you less attractive. He finds you less attractive because he cheated.

He is in self-protective mode - he doesn't want to think of himself as a bad person - so he found a way to justify to himself why he did what he did. You gave him a nice opening by revealing your insecurities about your body, and he was like, "Yes! Exactly. This makes sense to her, so I'll tell her this is why I cheated," or maybe he told himself this when he was attracted to the OW. Either way, it's post facto justification *not* cause.

I agree with 3yrsout that he has his head way up his a** right now. Mine did too, and he replied to my questions with stupid and hurtful "honest" crap in the early months after dday that he eventually walked back, once he had his head upright again.

For now, try to stick to factual questions: when, where, what. Skip the hows and the whys (even though it's very natural to ask), because he really won't know until he's done a year or two of therapy. And don't beat yourself up about all this - many of us have walked in your shoes.