SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

jailedmind,

It is always nice and comforting to read about a couple’s success in dealing with infidelity. The definition of success can mean renewed marriage or devoice if all come away heathier and stronger human beings. Good is always a possible outcome of a bad situation.

We may differ a little bit about blame. I don’t think it is a wide fissure though. I believe it is extremely important to fairly assign blame. And not to deny there is plenty of blame to be shared when it comes to a marriage’s issues. However, I see accurately assigning blame as not the same thing as on going, relentless blaming of someone. Persistent blaming, even if accurate at its base, would most likely serve to only being destructive to any possible good outcome, especially to a healthy reconciliation. I agree with you that to see it as entirely someone else’s fault, with no personal accountability, is a hindrance to reconciliation.

Thank you jailedmind for your input and support.

Asterisk

Oldwounds,

I agree with your statement about blame. I am aware that several members replying on this thread see it as important that I review my ideas of blame. I must sit back and reflect for a while on what it is that you all are seeing in me that I might be blind to. I am here to learn not to be coddled.

Thank you Oldwounds and so many others here for being what I need you to be.

Asterisk

As I interpreted him, he was stating that to review the past is to review a lie and to review the future is also reviewing a lie.

I didn’t take that away from his writing, at least not that bluntly. Using the word "lie" implies purposeful deception, and I don’t think we do that to ourselves, but considering it… certainly our memories are always wrong or at least incomplete, and the same is true for our predictions of the future.

I remember one of the incidents from my wife’s affair occurred in a condo, and I have a very clear memory of that condo kind of fried into my brain. Years later, I saw that the condo was for sale, and there was an online video and photograph walk-through the condo. I went down the rat hole and toured through it. What I found out that my memory was all wrong. A whole bunch of things that I "clearly remembered" were just flat out wrong. That was illuminating. A weird thing is my new knowledge of the truth hasn’t affected that memory. I haven’t updated it. It is still there, and it is still wrong. Since I know it is wrong, and I am keeping it as a memory, I guess you could say I am lying to myself?

Current science and engineering depends heavily on modeling, for example, weather models and weather prediction. There is a saying in the field, "all models are wrong, but some are useful". That’s based on the fact that none of them truly capture all of the physics in action.

I feel that might be similar about our memories.

However, I believe your point is more about being receptive to the person as they are presenting themselves now. Not as they were in the past or maybe in the future. To set aside assumptions one might have based on many factors that have built-in biases that may be more true than false or more false than true. If I’m on point, then I can say with full confidence that I am in agreement and have taken your advice to heart.

100%

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 1:31 PM, Wednesday, October 22nd]

Hey Asterisk,

I must sit back and reflect for a while on what it is that you all are seeing in me that I might be blind to.

I think we all have blind spots, if I knew what mine were, I wouldn’t have blind spots.

I find the exploration to find those blind spots as one of the joys of existence, to figure out the best way forward in life within our own limitations of perspective and information.

I don’t know if your take on blame is a blind spot for you, or that my take on blame will help anyone but me.

I get the sense you have a handle on most of your trauma, but still have some healing to do.

I imagine you may not have spent the time to mourn what you thought your marriage was before infidelity or you’re still wrestling a bit with unmet expectations (which become resentments).

I only mention the above because those two things were what held back my own healing for a while.