SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Logically I know this but thr raging bitch in me wants to rip her hair out.

Lol I do understand, use that energy on furthering your position.

Do you want him back?

after a LONG time I finally realized the answer for me was no. It took a lot of pain to get there.

Do you want him back?

I want the man I fell in love with, the man I used to go fishing with, the man who took me on herping adventures, who made me laugh, who was tender and gentle and loving and open.

Somewhere along the way he changed. Became cold. Distant. Resentful.

I know it's hard to believe but he truely was a different person.

I get it Dragn

The man I fell in love with was merely a mask

This POS he left behind is not worthy of my integrity, affection, nor my loyalty

Ick

And did I mention the very ICKY ness?

Ew

The man I fell in love with was merely a mask

That's a scary realization.

To think that he had me fooled from the start and this now is his real self...OMG.

I do know he changed drastically after dd was born. And not to give an excuse but it wasn't until we got thr genetic tests back not long ago that confirmed HE passed on the mutation to the kids that I think he actually believed anything was wrong.

Not that it is 100% the reason for everything but it's a contributing factor for sure.

Up until then it's been all denial. Fueled by his mother who would go against everything the doctors wanted when we lived there.

I think he's so full of anger snd resentment he's just acting out any way he can to feel better.

I think they try to be who they want to be for a while. But when life gets hard, some people revert to their natural self… Which isn’t Hulu thought they were. Hard to trust anybody ever again

I think the trick is to trust yourself. Know your boundaries, what you want and settle for nothing less than that.

In my long term marriage it's clear to me now that my boundaries were weak. The more I relented, the more he took. Fed the monster so to speak.

I'm not taking blame for his shitshow. But I'm trying to focus on what I can control in the future. And that's me.

DragnHeart, my deepest condolences.

I used to read your posts and I was amazed by your spirit and strength.

You’ve worked so hard to keep your family and home together through the shitstorm.

I wish that I had your bravery.

I'm not feeling very brave. Very very tired.

Had my doc appointment. Dammit more ultrasounds and two huge booklets of bloodwork to be done, twice, 3 months apart. It sucks.

I hate how much we have to go through just because he had to have sex.

Being betrayed does suck the life from you.

I get how you feel.

I had the misfortune of getting a friend request on FB from someone posing as the exAP, just last week. Same name, same face. I felt sick when I saw it. Almost smashed my phone.

Who does that shit? Obviously someone with nothing good going on in their life.

I simmered on it for a few days and then sent STBXH a screenshot of it, before Blocking.

Of course WH pleaded with me to ignore it…. Had nothing to do with him, blah blah and he gets strange friend requests all the time too…

Told him to let me know if all the other guys I have F***** during our marriage start harassing and threatening him. Until then, he can go F*** himself.

It’s been almost three years since the last Dday and that exAP slut just won’t go away.

The man I fell in love with was merely a mask

That's a scary realization.

It is such a sobering realization one that I am still trying to wrap my head around. XWS gave me glimpses of the real him when we were dating. Of course I chose to overlook them like a dummy. Going through the whole history of our M was has been life shattering. It wasn't what I ever envisioned for myself or my kids.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 7:20 PM, Thursday, April 7th]

I'm not sure if I would call it a "mask" for my STBXWH...I think, rather, it's a strategy. E.g. love-bombing is a strategy which is intended to pull all of the partner's attention and energy onto the love-bomber. They aren't faking love, exactly...love of the partner isn't the motivation, self-love/obsession is the motivation. "I need to make this person love me." But because our culture tells us that grand gestures and protestations of love ARE love, that's how it feels.

Probably most of these abusers employ love-bombing in the beginning and then post-DDay.

If love-bombing doesn't work, then they get angry and attempt to use other control methods to get what they want, like the types of irritating/provoking behavior that Dragn's WH does. Which my STBXWH also does.

These are strategies but they're not really "who" the person is. Under the strategies, my STBXWH is a deeply traumatized and insecure man-child. He managed to pose as a stable, responsible, loving adult for a long time, and I bought it...so I guess that was the mask.

I dunno if I'm making any sense.

Mine bitches, complains, bellyaches about everything

Just this morning, at 5 am, he asked me if I ever wondered if this is all there I’m in life.

I replied, that I didn’t, but once we’re dead we won’t wonder

He told me my response wasn’t helpful

Too bad dickhead

I think the trick is to trust yourself. Know your boundaries, what you want and settle for nothing less than that.

In my long term marriage it's clear to me now that my boundaries were weak. The more I relented, the more he took. Fed the monster so to speak.

I'm not taking blame for his shitshow. But I'm trying to focus on what I can control in the future. And that's me.

This. After DDay, I had bought into the blame-shifting and told him that I was going to fight for him. It makes me cringe to think about that now. What I thought was R at the time was just rugsweepinng and more of his shitty boundaries. It took a long time, and finally finding SI, before I recognized that his behavior was on him, I didn't cause any of it, and I could insist on the things I needed for R.

Real work on R was delayed for years because we didn't approach it in healthy ways. I know my boundaries and I am not afraid to let him know what I will and won't accept, not just for R but also in our relationship in general. So far this has led to really hopeful work in R. But focusing on myself has made me realize I will be okay either way.

Probably most of these abusers employ love-bombing in the beginning and then post-DDay.

If love-bombing doesn't work, then they get angry and attempt to use other control methods to get what they want, like the types of irritating/provoking behavior that Dragn's WH does. Which my STBXWH also does.

He didn't even try that crap this time. No love bombing. After thr initial "what did you expect" statement it wad all I'm sorry, I'm a fuckup blah blah blah.

When I still wasn't buying it he got nasty.

Now never forget

If we weren’t so lacking, they wouldn’t have to lie to us, cheat on us

So, apparently, it’s our fault

Hahaha

It was my son’s birthday on Sunday. We had plans to spend the day at a theme park all together. We were going to stay at the same hotel.

WH called us Saturday afternoon to tell us, he wasn’t coming because his MOW didn’t like it and obviously she takes priority.

I really don’t understand how you can do that to your kids.

At the theme park it hit me, we’re making new memories and WH is no longer a part of our family. I feel guilty for my children even though it wasn’t my choice.

My son asked me today why I don’t cry? He said " my sister cry and my daddy cry but you didn’t cry"
I have no idea why he asked me that today. I didn’t know how to answer that.

I blocked WH on Saturday so he sent me a nasty email on Sunday.

Get this WH said I’m trying to keep his kids away from him 🙄 that his kids will understand that he did what he did because I’m the devil.

Make it make sense. Ugh I’m trying not to be sad. He doesn’t deserve it.

EnPendasos

Time will tell

One day your kids will mature, will see through his facade. They will kno it wasn’t you at all who bears any fault for his crap

Hi everyone! Just checking in.

How is everybody doing?

Quick recap for me. I started dating again in December - someone I knew from work. I ignored some of my spidey sense feelings about his potential narc-iness to give him the benefit of the doubt, but ultimately was let down when he showed me that I'm really not a priority.

I was initially very mad at myself for not trusting my gut instinct from the get go, but my IC is encouraging me to see it from a different perspective - that I was willing to give someone a chance, and to work out what about my responses/gut feelings are real vs. what is a trauma response/anxiety.

And now I'm feeling proud of myself. I was successfully able to 1) identify red flags not just in the beginning, but as time went on (rescheduling of plans constantly being the number one, but there were others), and 2) give the appropriate level of benefit of the doubt (understanding that he has kids, and a career that might mean schedules change sometimes) and not let my anxiety monster take over.

While also maintaining a healthy level of skepticism (taking note of the times when he has rescheduled plans with me, but still has somehow managed to make time for his friends, bowling, golfing etc) and being very clear and communicative about my own needs, how the things he has done have made me feel, and how I would like them addressed moving forward. Nobody could accuse me of being indirect, that's for sure. So now I'm feeling much better about it.

It's hard not to be mad at myself for not writing him off in the first place. There is a part of me that wishes I had just brushed him off, which was my initial reaction. Like I would feel like a "stronger" woman had I done that. But I've also been working with my IC on not constantly "having my dukes up" as she calls it. So this was good practice for that, I guess.

It was also good practice in saying exactly what I need/want. In telling him (in a nice, constructive way) when he did things that pissed me off, and giving him a chance to correct it. But when I really think about it, I don't think I've ever been that bad at saying what I want/need! I'm actually pretty direct, and if anything I've been told I'm too blunt. So maybe it's just that I'm far too willing to believe in the good in someone, that the thing they did wasn't intended to hurt me, or that they are willing to change. When in reality, people don't change all that much unless they REALLY want to.

I'm also disappointed because this "relationship" was just dropped in my lap, and it was easy. We relate to each other in a lot of ways, get along well, work together well etc. I've also never been in a relationship with someone who works in my industry and therefore "gets it" in a way that others don't. And that was really, really nice. I have absolutely zero interest in online dating or apps. That's how my ex hooked up with people, and the window-shopping-ness of it is a HUGE turn off. So the fact that this just kind of happened was very appealing.

But I also know that I want to be in a relationship with someone who actually wants to spend time with me, and will do what they need to do to make that happen. I'm in no way advocating for someone not having their own life, in fact it's one of the reasons why I was still in it with him, because I saw his rescheduling and such as his own way of setting clear boundaries over what he needs. But I can only be the last thing on the priority list so many times before I realize that I'm not climbing up that ladder of priorities anytime soon. And while I don't expect to be the first thing on that list, I do expect to be high enough up there that I actually get alone time with him other than stolen lunch and/or brunch dates when he has time for me in between his other activities.

It's crazy to me that I actually said to my IC the other day, even if he was just a fuck buddy, I would be fine with that. But we haven't even done THAT in over 2 months, due to these constant scheduling issues. So let me get this straight, I have to chase you to spend time with you AND I'm not even having an orgasm? Tell me again what I'm getting out of this?

Anyway, glad I only spent 4 months of my time on this rather than 7 years like with the last one!