SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How long did you try for? And what was it that made you decide to separate in the end?

I keep saying I want to R but I feel like my brain is rejecting that idea and I keep slipping into depressive phases where I think that’s not possible and I’ll never get over it.

When I realized he'd never be a safe partner.

It was about 18 months. Around a year, I could see he wasn't doing the work, but said his IC said MC would be ok.

In MC, he confessed to basically sexually assaulting somebody (his niece) and I knew he'd never be a safe partner.I

I filed for D the week before our 34th anniversary. I've been so much happier and content are D than I have been in forever.

Nine years.

I wanted to believe.

When I realized he could never be; Then....Then I had decided to stay until the kids were out of the house.

Eventually, the lightbulb moment came of "that" was the example I was showing of a M to my children. They did not know what was going on and we never fought. BUT kids can pick up vibes, etc.

Final was the Dr Phil realization of a kid rather being from a broken home, then being raised in one.

I should have done it WAY sooner but we each have to do what is right for us.

leafields - I'm so sorry for your experience, but so glad you're happier now!

Evenkeel - 9 years, wow! I'm almost nine months from DDay. I wanted to have decided by now. One day I think I've decided, then a day or two later it's like I have a physical reaction to my decisions and I'm back on the fence again. One of my friends told me she had a moment in her marriage that was nothing big really but it flicked a switch and she just said 'I can't do this anymore' and she ended it. I feel like if I was going to have that moment, I would have it by now.

My partner said to me this morning 'I can't say anything without offending you lately' and he's right. I'm so snappy. And he's said that with me holding most of it in. Cruel, harsh comments are constantly on the tip of my tongue. I'm starting to feel like nothing he can do will ever be enough (not that he's doing everything I want him to do but most of it). I'm certain if we didn't have kids, the relationship would have been over immediately on DDay.

Not trying to thread-jack, but giving you my context to tell you you're not alone.

My Dday will be 3 years ago this coming December. I am one of those, "if not for the kids... (and finances)".

We're in R only in the sense that my (m 54) WW (f 49) of nearly 25 years pulled her head out of her limerence a** relatively quickly, has demonstrated genuine remorse (I believe that), shut it all down (NC, etc.), we engage in intimacy, she does little things to convince me she's "all-in" and I don't explode at her in anger anymore.

So she thinks we're "doing well".

However, she adamantly refuses to do real work on herself (any kind of counseling) and at times still demonstrates a kind of "tone-deafness" to the damage she's done. So for the kids and our financial situation, I have accepted what we are now. And for me I do love her, but I don't see it ever being the same as before without her doing the real work.

So I've just decided to accept this until my youngest is in college (3 more years). Then I'm 75%-80% sure I will pull the plug. I am holding onto the right to pull the plug sooner and that 20%-25% possibility that she could do what is needed to keep me in the relationship.

I know a lot of people will say it's a bad way to present a marriage to your kids, but you know what, everyone's situation is different. I've weighed-up the potential consequences of my kids live's being up-ended by having to sell our home (neither of use could afford it on our own) and all the other disruption a divorce would entail at this point in their lives against what they may take-away from my decision to stay in terms of a healthy relationship and I've decided to stay for now.

There are no 'best options' in these situations in my opinion, just 'least worst options'. And this is my least worst option for what it's worth.

[This message edited by dontlookbackinanger at 6:59 PM, Friday, November 8th]

Thanks for your reply dontlookbackinanger.

Sorry you’re going through this too.

I really felt your whole situation there - I call it ‘surface level work’ that my WS is doing, which he absolutely hates. All the bigger work has been rejected or agreed to but… I’m still waiting for that stuff to happen. I don’t think he wants to. He keeps saying he gets it but he really, really doesn’t and we butt heads over that a lot.

I believe I would be fine on my own, I can manage financially, I think I’d be a better parent and more present, I’m a bit worn down by the relationship and think there would be a kind of relief getting out of it and having some peace in my life, not to say I wouldn’t be sad about it because I would. I don’t believe he would be okay at first and I would worry about his wellbeing, as well as the fact that I just don’t want to be without my kids 50% of the time. And I also wouldn’t be willing to fight him on that because it’s not fair on him or the kids, he’s a good dad.

Some days things are fine and I think we’ll be okay. Most days I’m just sad and the anger keeps coming still in waves. Maybe that will settle, I don’t know.

I had convinced myself I could hang on until the kids were going to college/university, but that’s nine years away for the youngest. Like your wife, my partner thinks we’re okay.

I just can’t wrap my head around that he did this to me. Sometimes I feel like I feel more guilty about little things I do or say than he does about what he did.

R worked for us, so I didn't D, but I'll chime in anyway.

It takes some of us longer than others to make the D/R decision. You seem to say you spontaneously change direction. IMO, that's just a sign that you're not ready to decide.

The question is: what are you waiting for?

You describe a WS who doesn't seem to be a good candidate for R? Do I read you right? If I do, do you think your H will become a good candidate?

My partner is a complex character, to say the least, and I don’t know how to describe in words here really, but I guess I see potential, for who he would be if he would actually acknowledge his unresolved traumas and issues that make him try to self sabotage and implode his whole life every now and then. He has a lot of very good qualities, but the bad qualities have me on edge, wondering what it’ll be next and when.

I don’t know what I’m waiting for if I’m honest. For the kids to get older or for him to realise what he’s done and get on his knees and beg for forgiveness and do the real work? I honestly don’t know. Maybe I’m waiting for it to happen again so I can say I tried and he ruined it so he has to go.