SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all,

I know I sound like a broken record but this forum helps me gain some perspective.

So a marriage takes two right. My husband has been consistently telling me I don’t meet his needs. For Valentine’s Day (and I have never been one for showing big displays, I didn’t get him a card). This led to him picking a fight with me, how I don’t care and I don’t love him, and as he had been drinking telling me he wanted to get a flat and we should separate. The next morning he demanded a cuddle from me and I was surprised as his last text to me was him telling me he wanted to separate so I sad no and was annoyed.

Anyway, nearly every evening it is the same thing. He drinks and blames me for not meeting his needs. I have told him I am dreading the evenings and avoid him which he takes on board. I have said to him this is not a prison and he can leave at anytime. The drinking and everything is hard and it is very bad at the moment (I think he is averaging two bottles of wine a night) but I am self-reflective enough to know he is right I don’t meet his need for cuddles, I can be very distracted and forget to text him during the day (which I know means a lot to him). He wants these big long sex sessions and again is angry with me for not being up for it but we have young kids. He works really hard in a stressful job and I think he feels undervalued by me and the kids.

I guess what I am asking is- do I need to start changing and meeting these needs, but how do I let go of not only ny upbringing, but also the deep hurt that I feel that stops me.

"Meeting needs" is mutual, and it sounds a bit like the two of you are in some staring competition where you aren’t meeting his needs because he’s not meeting your needs because you aren’t meeting his needs because he isn’t meeting your needs...

Friend – what positive development has taken place over the last year?
He’s still drinking, still emotionally abusive, still working with OW...
Way back a year ago I shared this on another thread of yours:

The reason he drinks, the reason he is still in contact with her beyond what is reasonable for work, the reason he huffs and puffs and threatens, the reason he emotionally subdues your needs and requirements… Is because he can.
It’s also because you allow it…
This won’t change unless and until his cost of his actions becomes excessive compared to what he’s losing. The moment you give him freedom to be a sad, stereotypical, single, drunk middle aged manager dating the new floozy at work is the moment you get the power to move on. It then becomes his issue on if he wants to remain the sad, stereotypical, single, drunk middle aged manager, or if he wants to step up and become the father and husband your family deserves.
That freedom is not the freedom to do so at YOUR cost. His freedom comes at the cost of YOU taking back YOUR power and moving on out of infidelity.

Personally, I would not put any effort into a relationship that has no chance of being healthy while he is a practicing alcoholic.

The idea that if you make the moves towards mending the relationship would help him to stop drinking or heal enough to be a safe partner is a fallacy.

I believe that while it might be true he works a stressful job and wants more appreciation, he is looking for external circumstances to dictate his moves. It’s just false. An alcoholic has an illness, an addiction and the idea it’s caused in any way because his family doesn’t appreciate him is a lack of accountability you just can’t work with.

I would tell him that you can see that what he does and what he wants is at odds with each other. Being a husband is more than just being a provider, it’s being a connected partner. This is not something he can offer so long as he won’t work on his issues. Right now, he has not only cheated but keeps putting the blame of his behaviors and their natural consequence at your feet.

I think attending some Al-anon meetings might help you with strategies, coping and where to firmly place accountability. Are you doing IC? Is he? This situation is not something you can change in your own by being more loving. I can appreciate your ability to self reflect, but sometimes self reflection might look more like this:

What do you want in life? What do you need to see happen? What is holding you back from making the best decisions for yourself? Are you prepared to offer tough love or remove yourself from the situation entirely?

Your husband can’t even start his journey to get his life straight until he puts down the alcohol. Until that time you need to think about putting your own oxygen mask and coming up with how you are going to move forward without seeing him make these much needed changes not just for his wife and child but for himself as well.

Personally if my husband were drunk and begging for affection, I don’t think that could be a bigger turn off. So why blame yourself for being turned off by what most anyone would be?

How have you talked about his alcohol (ab)use? Are you ready to set a boundary around his drinking, like zero drinks/day? You can't count on him if he's drinking. You may not be able to count on him if he doesn't drink, but you sure can't count on him if he does.

Has he asked you for cuddles? How often do you want to say 'no', how often 'yes'? If he removed the impediments to 'yes', how often would you say 'yes' and 'no'? (I've said both; my W has said both. Our yes/no ratio is very high, though, so 'no' hasn't been a problem....)

You describe an M that's no-win for you. It takes 2 to change that to win-win. What are you both doing to change?

"Meeting needs" is mutual, and it sounds a bit like the two of you are in some staring competition where you aren’t meeting his needs because he’s not meeting your needs because you aren’t meeting his needs because he isn’t meeting your needs...

I was stuck in this cycle with my ex. I was actually repulsed by him and he wanted long sex sessions which were too much for me and also turned me off.

My ex was not remorseful, NPD and continued his A with MOW putting me in False R. I eventually couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to meet his needs. Hell I wanted to be as far away from him as possible so I left and started meeting my own needs which had been neglected the whole M. It was the best decision I had ever made.

This does not sound like your are in R or even a healthy M with his drinking and blaming you. I wouldn't want to meet his needs either. Even if he does stop drinking it may be too late. You may have fallen out of love and respect for him and that is ok. Not sure if you are staying because it is a M of convenience, many are in that situation. But this dance that you keep doing with your WS cannot be sustained it will wear you down.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:57 PM, Thursday, February 20th]

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Bigger-you are right not much has changed. He did try to quit drinking that lasted for a bit, he has moved offices and I have no idea now of his contact with her but he seems to be home most of the time. He has come home today and is in a good mood and is nice to me so I doubt myself again where as yesterday as I didn’t really text him he barely spoke to me. I don’t meet his needs but I feel he cannot just completely seems on me to meet those, I don’t depend on him to meet all of mine. I have friends and family that I invest in.

Hiking out- thank you some good advice. I don’t think he is an alcoholic but he uses it as a crutch and it has gotten worse since the affair. In a weird way I think he is also traumatised by the outcome of it all.

Crazy blindside- you are right, it is a marriage of convenience at the moment. I wish he had left me for her now as he seems so unhappy with me. I have said before I am naturally an upbeat person so honestly I am not consumed by the betrayal but I have noticed I am happier when he is not around. It is draining not knowing what mood he is going to be in or am I going to have to listen to an hour before bed about how I don’t love him enough and he brings up old stuff from the past that he feels I have done wrong. At that point I am tired I just want to chill out, watch something and go to bed.

lemon,

Two bottles of wine per night for one person is NOT casual drinking. That is extreme. He can’t take care of the kids or drive them to the hospital in an emergency with that much alcohol in his system. So YOU end up being the responsible one. AGAIN.
This sounds like a VERY one-sided relationship.

His hot/cold demeanor is intended to keep you off balance. How can you make a decision when he is all over the place, being "nice" just enough to keep you strung along.

Yeah so he has a tough job. You are raising two kids, FFS.

Is he providing the example you want for your kids?

Sending strength…