SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know most people don’t want their marriage to end. After I caught him having an affair I stayed, we both decided to work on our marriage, but it was "too hard" for him and he felt like he was living in a prison (full transparency with me). He also told me he fell in love with his affair partner, however he still loves me and just needs space to figure out what he wants. That’s when I asked for a divorce instead. I’m nobody’s backup plan and after 13 years if he doesn’t know if he wants to be married to me or not I’m not waiting around to find out.

But it doesn’t mean I wanted this. His decisions forced mine. I miss my best friend, my companion, my confidant. I didn’t want my life to turn out this way and I never saw a future without him in it. I didn’t want to be a single mom, to start over. I think that makes this that much more difficult. I tried so many times to save "us". But he didn’t. He still comes by twice a day to see our son and dog and often he wants to chat with me, like we’re old friends. He tells me how miserable he is but still makes plans to move on with his life (new house, paying off our combined debt).

Today is extra hard, not sure why. It’s been 6 weeks since he’s moved out, 7 months since dday #1 and 6 weeks since dday #2. He made so many awful choices, said so many awful things, I had no choice but to send him on his way. But I still never wanted to.

Like you said you had no other choice. It is the best decision for you as you will no longer have to be with a spouse that is not remorseful, willing to change or improve the marriage. It will take time to grieve the M just like it takes time to. get over the A. You will be ok. You may even love your new life one day. Just keep reminding yourself of all the negatives about him and the M when you start to feel lonely or bad. Try to keep busy, maybe find some new hobbies. This part of your life is about YOU and rediscovering who you are and what you love about yourself and life. Catch up with friends or make some new ones. I'm not sure if you are in IC or not but I would talk with a therapist as well. Mine helped me a lot when I was going through my D.

I don't think anyone really feels good about D but sometimes it is the necessary answer. I didn't want to break up my family. I didn't feel any love for my xWS when I decided to leave so it made that part a little easier for me, but the decision is always a heavy one. You will get through it I promise.

I know what you mean. I didn't want my life to end up this way, but staying and putting up with my XWH's behavior was not something I could continue to do.

Give yourself some grace. It's still so soon since all of this happened and you're probably still a little shell shocked by it and need some healing. It probably doesn't help that he's still stopping by so often. It's amazing how they think that we'll be besties after, but that boat won't float.

I'm sorry that you're having a down day. It does get better.

I don’t know of any sane person that would want to go through this and say they wanted their life to turn out like this.Cheaters don’t understand the mental gymnastics that impact on their spouse when the affair is revealed,especially when the WS is on the fence deciding whether to stay in the marriage or move on with their AP .My WW didn’t understand why we couldn’t be married and her living with her AP while I live in the house with our daughter.She in visioned that we could be married but not like husband and wife but friends.It took me some time to realize who this person was after showing her true colors and how she pretty much cut me out of her life in the blink of an eye. I filled for divorce almost a year ago and still wrestle with the guilt that I had no choice and she wasn’t going to even try to save our marriage or our family. The day I filed I told her this.You left me no other choice this is not how I thought our life’s would end but I have to let you go. I’ll always love her regardless of how my life turns out but hate the choices she made and for making me clean up this mess..Still struggling with all this and the divorce is still not over.

Told him I needed three things from him for reconciliation. Electronic transparency, therapy, and no contact with AP. He told me she was his friend and always would be. I told him he was going to have a friend and not a wife, that I wasnt going to be the third person in my own marriage of 35 years. He was too deep into that relationship to even consider anything else. Basically he was telling me he was going to continue to cheat. I didnt want a divorce but I certainly didnt want that.

I wanted to R. I thought we could fix it or I at least I was willing to try. But he kept cheating and left a few days before my 50th birthday. (Almost 8 years ago to the day!). He left for the summer, I was fired from the job I loved (poor performance due to the A’s affects) then he came back the night of the wildfires and helped me rescue my cat who hid under the king size bed - we lost the house and everything but the cat. But two weeks later he was with her again. At this point, I finally snapped and was able to accept that it was over, and I started moving forward.

I wanted NONE of that. In the next year the cat died and my dad died. It was a brutal couple of years.

BUT. With time and healing, I now can see that I would not have been able to R with him. It was always a deal breaker for me, even though I didn’t want it to be. And he just didn’t have it in him to be R material. With time, I saw that the flaws that allowed him to cheat were there all along - I just didn’t want to see them. And I see how bad old age with him would be - he was not accepting aging gracefully and turning into a bitter unpleasant jerk (he’s 10 years older than me).

So I know this sucks and hurts and is incredibly difficult. You will get through it. And you may look back and realize that it was actually the very best path forward.

Hang tough, and trust that you WILL be okay. Better than okay. You will thrive.

I get it Inaz, I am feeling so sad and crappy today that it's coloring everything and I just want to go back to bed until the day is over, but I can't.

My divorce finalizes in 2 days and I asked for this because, like you, I don't want to be with someone who can't respect me or feel empathy. It doesn't make it less awful. I'm having a sh*t week and I am scared. I've never been divorced, it's not something I expected to be, but here I am.

When I see my H he looks the same, but he's a stranger now. The trust is broken and it's not coming back.

You are heard. Sending hugs and support to you.

I think pretty much everyone here felt the same way. It was stay and continue dealing with the disrespect because they werent going to stop cheating, or divorce. You have been heard.

You’re right Still Living.My wife came right out and said that she wouldn’t give up her AP.It goes against everything she stood for and believed in even the fact she would sneak out in the middle of the night and not come home to be with him was so bold and disheartening,all of this happened only days after she came clean about the A .And the fact she also walked away from our daughter who just turned 16 and barely sees her more than a few hours a week.The disrespect and the heartlessness is something that I’ll never get over,or knowing how long this had been going on before she left me know.Being together for 37 years and married for 24 , I trusted her with my life…..

Why are you still being his support person?

If you stopped contact except for kids & $ conversations, you might be able to move on.

Right now you are letting him tell himself "it’s ok, the STBXW understands".