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How many of you still have questions surface about the affair and do you pursue those questions for answers with your WS even if it's multiple years post D-Day. I'm 4 years post Dday and had an odd one pop up the other day out of no where. Did they ever say "I love you" to one another. Seems silly after 4 years, but it dawned on me that I never really asked. It was a 9+ month affair so I'm guessing the answer might be yes, so what does that mean? Do I really want to hear that answer when R is going fairly well. I'm back in IC but mostly for coping skills with triggers and my WW has been supportive of this. She's doing everything right but that one question has been nagging for the last few days. Should it matter at this point or do you just move on?

If you have questions — especially ones that may haunt you, I feel like you should ask them.

I think trying to bury ANY aspect of what happened is a mistake.

For my peace, I needed to know everything, even the very worst of it. It gave me an accounting of the M lost time, and about the effort that was being invested elsewhere instead of our M.

I was still asking a LOT of questions four years in to healing.

Over 9-years now, my questions are very rare, but I think if something popped into my head, I would ask it. And my wife is never shy about the answers, because she understands I have to process all of it in order to heal, move forward and focus on our better days.

My wife’s A was four years (with a couple years of EA after).

There were feelings, but as with most A’s, they were fantasy projections and mirrors. For my wife, she couldn’t believe it when AP dumped her in a harsh manner, that all the feelings were fake or misplaced or manipulations. So, it was good for her to see things for what they were versus the rationalizations and lies she told herself about why the A was going on.

There isn’t anything great about our spouse’s behavior during an A, so I was never trying to shame mine, I was just trying to understand a choice I haven’t made. Asking to understand is a good thing, IMHO.

For the last 10-12 years, I ask myself what's my reason for asking. Sometimes I want to ask because I'm angry. I don't ask then; rather, I address my anger. But other than that, I ask any question to which the answer had a positive outcome.

IIRC, I was asking questions I had never asked before as late as 10 years after d-day.

I, too, was still asking questions when we were 4 years out.

W was concerned - she thought my reason for asking was to rub her nose in her shit. It wasn't - I honestly wanted an answer. With that assurance less and less emotion attached to the Q & A as time went on.

Starting a year or so out, I asked a Q only if it was a new Q or if I couldn't remember the answer, if I thought I had already asked the Q.

I agree with everything old wounds said.

I will add it also should be a situation in which she is able to reflect upon that and tell you what has changed or evolved.

For example- I love you was exchanged in my 2 month affair. But there was something down deep that felt phoney about that to me. After the affair I realized that I didn’t love him, or want the best for him. I simply loved how the affair made me feel and associated that to him. I didn’t even really know him. I have not asserted loving him since shortly after the affair ended.

While it may have seemed true at the time, it wasn’t. I really didn’t love anyone at the time of my affair, including myself. That’s not to say I didn’t have fond feelings for my husband, I just feel I wasn’t showing active consideration towards him which is a big piece of truly loving someone.

[This message edited by hikingout at 10:20 PM, Tuesday, June 3rd]

Cheaters lie.

Not just to their spouses, but to their APs, as well, to keep it going.

In any event, there’s only downside in asking. If she says she didn’t, you probably won’t believe her. And if she admits she did, . . . well?

I think your question is a valid one, no matter the year.

I asked that question and the response was yes, he expanded that he really didn’t love the SOW, but rather wanted to appease her, keep her on the hook, etc. She threatened to expose the A long before I found out so I while I remember being upset, I eventually believed that it was all to keep her quiet.

You have every right to ask things that come to your mind. Hopefully she responds truthfully and realizes her A was all fake. And that in these 4 years her actions have been consistent and she has done the work to become a safe partner.

I'm with sisoon on this one - if it's not going to be productive, don't bother asking. It will only create more problems. At some point, your WS might also say "if you keep digging into the A that I had, what's the point of moving on? I'm forever the culprit." My WW did say that. Well, no shit, was my response. See how that's not helpful? :)

Yes...they've popped up for me. Usually only when I'm at a low point. I do try to focus on what is going on right now with my FWH, rather than what might have been going through his head years ago.

I know he lied to me, OW, and most of all, himself during the A. Asking that question now about where he was years ago isn't going to help me today. I'm sorry you're haunted by this. I'm six years out, and they still pop up from time to time. I think it is your brain's way of trying to keep you safe....by dwelling on what could be wrong.

I'd say, talk with your counselor about it. Now, when the nagging questions pop up for me, I tell myself....YES, he very well may have said that to the AP....they were in an affair. Does it change where we are as a couple right now? Not really. It would be monumentally different if he wasn't showing up as the poster child of reconciliation. My radar is much more finely tuned on the little ways he shows up for us now. Both good and bad (because no long term partner can always do the right thing). I don't try to look for negatives, but I will say....I'm feeling anxious about the way you responded to me. Can we talk about it more?

A....the gift that keeps on giving.