SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As I read through the forums I often think:

"man my wife could really benefit from this thing orthat thing"

I have found SI very helpful personally, and I wonder if she would as well.

In reality I realize this is my selfish attemp to nudge her in the right direction. Not sure that's wrong though.

This has come up before on SI and some people warn against it, while others talk abouthow helpful it can be.

Should I suggest my wife read these forums? Should I periodically print things out for her to read? Should I leave things be?

I have mixed feelings.

My husband and I were both on SI, though he participated far more lightly than I did. However, for at least the first year, he read everything I wrote, and we discussed it extensively off the site. SI was invaluable to me, both the input of WS (who were a far larger presence on the site back then) and the feedback of BS. It's hard to hold tight to your preconceived, destructive notions when member after member chimes in to agree that your plan of action will harm more than help.

I have been astonished at the grace and kindness of many of the BS here, and I have tried to repay that by offering back my perspective as a reformed WS. The opportunity for those interactions is a big part of the brilliance of SI, which was founded jointly by a BH and WW finding their way out of the destruction of her infidelity.

At the same time, a WS can't be reached unless they are truly open to being reached. I've seen WS dragged here resentfully. I've seen them loudly proclaim a version of events that turned out to be a total lie. I've seen them self-flagellate in ways that are clearly performative instead of productive. I've also seen them attacked, relentlessly, by angry members who identify with the BS and believe that the only healthy outcome is the breakup of the marriage. One BW had an actual breakdown from the effects of that campaign. It's not a place for the faint of heart, though if they stick to the Wayward Forum, there are protections there.

Other members will point out the value of SI as a safe space. It's true, once you invite your spouse in the door, they have a front row seat for the advice you receive, and that advice will often not be to their advantage. If you're leaning towards divorce, I would think twice before tipping your hand.

My reco is not to invite your spouse unless you are very sure they are committed to R. My reco is to maintain your ability to write freely, and that means not having your spouse know what you write. Perhaps I'm recommending treating SI as a friend of yours but not your partner's.

R requires actions that change the WS and BS. While reading is an action, it does not necessarily change anyone's behavior. The fact that SI helped you doesn't mean that it will help everybody.

But hope springs eternal. Like many others BSes, I asked my W to join SI shortly after I found it. Happily, she refused. She wanted me to have a safe place, she said. (Yeah, that's shorthand for, 'I don't want to reveal myself to strangers at this point.') I realized I was writing a lot of stuff that I didn't want my W to read, because I was a work-in-progress. I wrote about ugly thoughts that were set in concrete on the page but were still fluid in my mind. SI helped me resolve the issues, and I told my W about the sausage of resolution, but I didn't tell her about how the sausage was made. It's rarely beneficial to see WIP.

Eventually, about 2 years out, W wanted some support that I had no interest in giving. I directed her to join SI and ask for support from other waywards. We set up a couple of ground rules: 1) she was to stick to the WS forum; 2) we were to avoid reading what we wrote; 3) if we did find ourselves reading the other's post, we were to back out immediately after realizing it; 4) we were not to post on each other's threads; 5) we were not going to fight on SI (which some couples do).

Also, we were both committed to R, and R was going pretty well. We were still seeing our MC, so we were both pretty sure we could resolve any issues that arose from us inadvertently reading something that was best kept private.

W didn't post a lot. She said responses to her first post were 'a little harsh' . She persisted, though, and she received and gave support for a couple of years. As time went on, we shared a few of posts and threads with each other. Eventually we cancelled all but the 5th rule.

Both of us being SIers worked for us - but I believe that's because I had 2 years of SI on my own.

My reco is not to invite your spouse unless you are very sure they are committed to R. My reco is to maintain your ability to write freely, and that means not having your spouse know what you write. Perhaps I'm recommending treating SI as a friend of yours but not your partner's.

Agreed.

In ten years on SI, I've seen more than a few couples actively sharing the site together. More often than not it didn't work out well. The ones who did benefit from sharing SI were the ones who were already deeply committed to reconciliation.

I don't recommend sharing.

I will also echo.

If she is absolutely "all in" on R then it can be a helpful place for her, we’ve all seen good examples of that.

Those that used SI as a manipulation tool, we’ve all seen as well and the shitshow it entailed.

From what you’ve wrote in the past, I would put your WW in the latter category at this time.

Keep this place for you. Just you.

I talk very openly about my H cheating and his plan to D me. I want to help others and give them the benefit of what I dealt with and how I survived.

I’m certain my H wouldn’t be happy if he read some of the things I’ve shared, especially since we have Reconciled and we are happy.

You never know when you might need it again. Not for cheating but for other things like questions or reconciliation related things.

If the ws section was more frequented it can be worth it. I think that most of the ways it went wrong is this is a different and more compassionate site than it used to be.

And as far as writing freely I think that also varies bs to bs. Some say things to their ws the same here as they would at home.

I can understand why other would advise you to not bring her here unless you are commuting to R because once you start to divorce it will hinder you greatly from being able to talk about some of that freely due to now being part of a legal proceeding where she may use some of it against you.

However, on the other hand, without this place to help me I never would have turned around fast enough or done half the things I knew to do because I was here. That being said, I was out looking for resources and that does not hinder her from finding the ones that work for her. I just know this was the place above all else, even therapy that gave me the reflection so it’s hard for me to rule it out as a plausible solution for her. I got the most out of reading from the bs’s here, but also having fellow ws who understood me from the other perspective was also very helpful.

Like BSR I am very mixed. A lot of it wouod rely on how comfortable you are with her reading all that you have written so far. My husband joined here for a hike but didn’t really participate in any meaningful way. It just wasn’t his thing. But he does know I am here, he can read anything I have written and I would also let him read my private message here if he ever wanted to. He knows my passwords anyway. I think one of the golden pillars of reconciliation is that openness and transparency, but until you are fully in that road it’s hard to say.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:14 PM, Wednesday, July 23rd]

hikingout
I always appreciate your input!

If the ws section was more frequented it can be worth it. I think that most of the ways it went wrong is this is a different and more compassionate site than it used to be.

I'm not sure what you are saying here. Are you saying the WS section has become too compassionate to be effective?

I'm still on the fence on this issue. I understand both sides of the argument.

It's important for me to feel like I have a place i can speak freely, and her being here could hinder that.

Also it's true that works in progress are usually messy and it's often not useful to see them until the end.

I also worry about how she would feel about my comments.

And that's where I hesitate. I've gotten a lot of advice on here that honesty and transparency are really important in R and that I should talk to her like I'm talking to the people here. That it's not healthy for R to only express things here but not tell her.

Maybe if we set ground rules it would be helpful, but that relies on us following them. I have a good track record of following the rules we setup. Her obviously not so much.

So yeah I'm flip flopping for sure.

If her being on this site would damage R, I wonder if that's a sign that it's not going to work and it's better to find out early rather than spend years in false R.

Or maybe it would work and me letting her see the work in progress would sabotage it.

I just don't know...

No, I just mean if it was more frequented- we used to have way more veteran ws here than we do now, and we have only a few newer members who have stuck around and occasionally post.

It comes down to is her heart really in this or not. It’s with most things you are questioning- is she going to do the work, be a good rebuilder and have compassion and empathy?

She may need additional help to see ways she needs to get real with herself. This forum is one way, but it’s not the only way. It’s not for everyone.

But what it boils down to is what you are saying I doubt it’s going to make or break your reconciliation. Out of the many couples I watched play this out in a disastrous forum drama all but one of those couples is still married. (Most of those dramatic disasters happened in a time period of which we had a very different dynamic in this forum at that time - this is a much more compassionate group than what used to exist)

I think the ws forum is and needs to be compassionate, while still pointing out where the person is still not seeing the bigger picture.

I do not think there is a wrong or right answer. Just be cautious as this is your safe place. I am one who thinks the things you write here should not really surprise her, as she should be hearing all of it. The only way a ws is going to be remorseful is to look at the damage and keep working to counteract that damage. When it’s hidden there is only guessing and with guessing a lot of missing the boat.

One possible option, if you want to maintain this as a safe space, is to consider referring your WS to the infidelity support forums on Reddit. They are similar to SI in philosophy and content. I prefer SI because some of the features over there (the ability to create multiple profiles, upvoting/downvoting) seem mildly incompatible with the goals of improving accountability and reducing external validation. Still, I believe they would be a viable alternative resource.

FYI, since this suggestion refers to an external website, I followed guidelines and cleared it with the mods before posting.

A couple thoughts on spouses and SI.

One, I have never written anything down, here or anywhere else, that I didn't already share with my wife. And I vented pretty good here, it just means she heard it first.

For me, that's a relationship.

It is sharing pain, sorrow, joy -- the whole thing.

The other thought is that I did tell my wife about SI after a couple months. I had mentioned I had found a couple websites for support. I also read dozens of relationship books, to get a handle on what about our M that could have contributed to her shitty choices (it turned out that neither I nor my M can make someone decide to cheat).

My wife has never posted here, but has visited and read here and it helped her a bunch.

The WS here who were more capable of articulating their feelings helped her.
The WS who owned their choices, 100 percent helped her.
The standard sayings so many WS make (AKA the cheater's handbook stuff) really surprised her. She somehow considered her little fantasy world was unique, that her behavior was unique, that her justifications were special -- but none of it was unique or special.

She also read my posts and even though she did hear all of those things from me, to see people respond and support and understand my pain, that hit her pretty hard too.

JFO is a section that about knocked her out of her chair.

Neither of us like reading those newfound souls in shock and despair in JFO anymore.

Anyway, as one couple who made it to the other side of Hell, SI helped us both, even if only one us posted here.