SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,
I found out in December that my wife of 18 years had been seeing another man. After becoming physically ill with a gut feeling, I checked my wife’s notifications and saw texts from another man asking if she was alone, followed by another message saying "OK" with a picture.
I asked my wife about it and she denied any wrongdoing, saying they had only been talking. The following morning, she told me that since April 2025 she had been to his house a few times and had met him in lay-bys for coffee chats and cuddles, but claimed there had been no sexual contact or sex. I found this very hard to believe and continued to dig deeper. I then found a "poke" from June 2024, which made me doubt her story even more.
I told my wife I didn’t believe her and that I was leaving. She said she had booked a polygraph test and that it would prove she was telling the truth. I gave her the benefit of the doubt because we have two children and a young foster child. She failed all four questions on the test.
I repeated my intention to leave, as she was still being dishonest. My wife then changed her story and admitted that he had masturbated behind her while she bent over with her trousers lowered, but still claimed there was no sex. She said this happened on two occasions, but that she only removed her clothes on one occasion. She gave me details in an attempt to validate her story.
I didn’t believe this. With the dodgy facts and the failed test, I believed she had had sex with him and continued packing to leave. She then changed her story again and admitted to sexual intercourse, giving details. I tried to move on, but found it very difficult. We talked back and forth, trying to make sense of why my heart felt like it had been ripped out and kicked up the street.
This all started at the beginning of December and went on through Christmas. I cooked Christmas dinner and put on a front for the kids, trying to push on and forgive my wife. This lasted until the 29th, when my wife came to me, without any evidence, and told me she had in fact lied again — that the test was wrong and that she hadn’t had sexual intercourse with this man.
I broke down, unable to understand what was going on. I told her I couldn’t do this again and that I couldn’t believe she hadn’t had sex with him. She begged me to believe her and to stay. I promised to make an effort through New Year for the kids, but said I couldn’t promise anything after that.
On the 4th of January, I was packed and ready to leave. My wife came to me and said, "I’m sorry, but I did sleep with him. I panicked the other day and didn’t know what to say to you. I was struggling with the pain I caused and just wanted it to end."
I became very worried and started thinking that this woman can’t be right. I worried about the kids if I did leave. I returned to work and kept my distance during the day, but I’m still struggling with the hurt and the lies. We continued messaging back and forth, trying to make sense of it all and why my wife would want to spend time with an older, scruffy, dirty man.
Without my knowledge, my wife booked another lie detector test — this time an eye-detect test. She was asked two questions about having sexual intercourse with anyone other than me since May, and she passed both questions. She called me with the news and then changed her story again, saying, "I told you I never had sex with him," before repeating her original claim of him masturbating behind her.
I have since found pictures and videos that were sent since April. I’ve also found five meetings on her timeline — two in a lay-by and three at his flat. She has admitted to sexting and to the meetings, but still claims they were only for cuddles and chats.
When I questioned how it even got to the position of him doing that behind her, she said she felt terrible about it and didn’t want to do it, but that he had been so complimentary and flattering that she felt she couldn’t say no. I find this very hard to believe — especially after 17 months of chatting and 9 months of on-and-off sexting — and I don’t believe the sexual tension wasn’t there or that they didn’t have sex.
She says the last meeting was in October and that after she left she felt this wasn’t what she wanted. She claims she started ignoring his advances online, didn’t respond to anything sexual, but didn’t know how to get out of it or stop it completely.
I find this very hard to believe and feel that sex must have happened. My whole world has been flipped upside down and my best mate has betrayed me. I don’t know how I will ever trust this woman again, or if I can move forward at all.

A WS does not admit to having sex with someone else unless they did and to me it's very obvious she did and I'm willing to but it happened multiple times. The trickle truth, the story changing, all of this destroys credibility

So she passed a so-called two question eye detect polygraph test? Yeah, I'm calling BS on that. She failed the first test because she was lying but she thought she was clever enough to fool the test

You know the truth and the sooner you accept it the sooner your healing will begin.

ETA: So she decided the other guy wasn't going to work out so she came back to you is what I'm reading. So you weren't her first choice, you were her backup. I apologize for being brash but this is how it reads to me

[This message edited by WB1340 at 1:40 PM, Monday, January 26th]

I'm sorry man, but I don't think you can believe a word she says. It's almost a certainty that sex was involved, likely multiple times. I know that's hard to hear, and even harder to accept, but you've got to come to terms with that to even begin moving forward.

If she wants the pain to end, or at least subside, you need the truth. The whole truth. Only then can you begin to process whats happened amd make informed decisions. I think she's in serious damage control mode right now and will say anything, no matter how untrue, to save her own ass. Make no mistake, you've been traumatized.

I've seen it said often that infidelity hits harder and hurts worse than the death of a loved one. That was the case with me. This stuff hurts. Bad. My whole world was shattered and I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. Continued lies, trickle truth, and changing stories are only going to prolong and intensify the pain. You need an entire truthful timeline of events. Who, where, when, what, how many times, what was said, what was felt at the time, etc. How much detail you want as far as physical activities is up to you. Some of us want to know all of the dirty details, and some don't, but the rest is necessary if there's to be any type of closure.

If you can, have her read the book "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda McDonald. It's a fairly short read, but packed with useful advice and will let her know where your head's at right now. It really opened my wife's eyes. The audio version is about 2½ hours long, and we listened to it together. I think that was the first step in getting my wife to understand just how devastating her actions really were.

You need to take care of yourself. Make sure you're eating enough and getting enough sleep. I know that's easier said than done, but drink protein shakes if your appetite is shot. You need your strength and wits about you. See a Dr and get some temporary meds if you need some help with sleep.

Sorry you've found yourself here man. Most of us know what you're going through right now, tho, and there's a good group of folks here that can offer advice and just listen if you need to vent. Your wife needs to come completely clean and start showing some signs of honesty and contrition. Right now she isn't giving you anything to work with.

[This message edited by Pogre at 3:20 PM, Monday, January 26th]

You're getting gaslit. She's in survival mode. Throw any kind of logic out when talking to her. In other terms she's crazy right now. You're trying to make sense out of nonsense. She wants you to doubt yourself and believe her lie. Without concrete consequences she has no need to change. Read the 180, go grey rocks. Take care of yourself and your kids. Tell her when she gets her shit together then you will talk until then you take care of yourself and your kids. Take the time to get to know them and yourself better. There is no fixing her. It's her shitshow. And she needs to get out of la la land. You will look for answers and right now there are none. When she finally comes to grips with what she has done then maybe you get some true remorse. But right now she's trying to save face and keep her imaginary world going. She needs to hit rock bottom and then maybe you can have a chat about next steps. But your old marriage is dead. You need to come to terms with that. And you need to come to terms with the person you married is not the person you thought they were. Pretty heady stuff. Rest assured there will be more that will trickle out. She and you have a long hard road ahead. Im sorry it came to this.

When I confronted my wife Thursday afternoon she just sat there with her arms folded, her eyes shooting daggers at me, not 1 oz of sympathy in any word out of her mouth

The closest I got to an apology was I'm sorry this upsets you. You are sexting with a married coworker for months and the best you can offer me is I'm sorry this upsets you? To me that meant she had already checked out, had an Exit Plan, and I just happened to stumble into it. After an hour long conversation that was full of nothing but anger and vitriol on her part I said I guess there's nothing else to talk about

The next morning when she came downstairs to leave for work she was still full of piss and vinegar and not one ounce of remorse. I spent all day terrified that she was leaving and I was going to be alone so I made a decision

When she walked in from work that afternoon I said I need time to think and I can't do that bumping into you all weekend and I refuse to spend all weekend staring at the ground. I can't make you leave but I need you to leave, there's a suitcase upstairs so please leave

That's when reality kicked her in the face. That's when she realized that this was not something we were just going to sweep under the rug. That's when she realized oh shit, maybe this is worse than I thought. She packed the bag, walked downstairs and said I'm leaving, I said okay and she left. I think she was hoping I would say no don't go, please stay, but that was impossible at that time

The only thing that made my wife face reality was the knowledge that I was willing to end the relationship and my advice is that your wife needs to see this from you

Thank you all for your response so far

The only thing that made my wife face reality was the knowledge that I was willing to end the relationship and my advice is that your wife needs to see this from you

Same here. I spent the first couple of weeks doing the "pick me" dance, and all it got me was further humiliation. When I started calling divorce lawyers in front of her and setting up appointments her attitude completely changed. I told her she was free to pursue him and do whatever she wants, but she wasn't going to do it while remaining married to me. It shifted the balance of power back to me. She dropped her affair partner like a hot rock, blocked him on everything, went full no contact, and put in for a transfer at work. He was a co worker.

CoordinatedTime, I have no clue what your wife might do if you draw that boundary, but there are worse things than divorce. Living in infidelity with a bunch of lies and/or sharing my wife with someone else is one of those things. You need to send a message that you're not going to tolerate anymore shenanigans, and you need to mean it. What's going on in your home right now isn't sustainable. She needs to know you're not playing around.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:36 PM, Monday, January 26th]

IMO, the first book to read is NOT "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, and I urge you to read that as soon as you can.

You ask 'How will I ever move on?' Alas, it's up to you. My reco is to stop, detach a bit, and look within yourself. My bet is that you'll find strengths that you didn't know or that you forgot you have. You really have the power to heal yourself, although healing may go more smoothly if you work with a good IC. From what you've written, I recommend a good IC.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I urge you to remember, though, that you can still live a good life. Your W betrayed you, but that's because of her issues, not because of issues with you or your M. She failed. You didn't.

R(econciliation) is a much different matter. It's possible, but only if the WS and BS both do the necessary work. That means you don't have to R. That means not even trying to R unless your WS does her work - and that starts with coming clean.

Once she does that, you know more about what you have to deal with, and you can choose between D & R more easily. though it's rarely easy. If you choose R, you monitor yourself and your WS. If the WS doesn't meet your requirements, you can end R.

You're responsible for your self and, jointly, for your kids. You have to make your choices. Your WS is responsible for herself and, jointly, for the kids. For R to work, she has to change from cheater to good partner.

That starts with honesty, and your W is still being dishonest. One potential action is to tell her you're open to R, but only if she comes clean and agrees: no more lies, ever.

Also, As are hard to end if the aps see each other regularly, so I'd insist on finding a new job, away from om, and I'd insist on IC for your W, with a goal of changing from cheater to good partner.

But always remember: you need her if you R, but you don't need her to D. You can heal whichever way your M goes.

I’m just still so amazed at the bullshit people come up with. Crazymaking. You have some serious fortitude to be able to sit through these lies with her.
I don’t think you’ll ever get anything near the truth until you make moves to permanently separate and divorce. You can always stop the process at any time.

Im questioning it myself im not really sure how i feel at the moment all i know is it feels like lies,lies and nore lies

You may want go consider this:

I think you need to stop ALL CONVERSATIONS w/ her about the affair. She is literally trying to make you doubt yourself, look at her as "not guilty" and accept it "wasn’t an affair but some interactions that were shady".

I suggest you read up on the 180. It is designed to protect you from this drama cycle she has you in.

Right now there is NOTHING she can say you may even contemplate believing. She’s changed her story so many times SHE doesn’t even know the truth.

Stop any and all conversations. If she starts or tries to start you can very calmly tell her that "I’m done talking about it due to your continued pattern of lying". Then leave the room. Walk away. Hang up the phone.

Post dday2 I only spoke to my H if kids were around. Once they were gone I made myself scarce. I was out of my home as much as possible just to avoid him.

Im questioning it myself im not really sure how i feel at the moment all i know is it feels like lies,lies and nore lies

Because it is.

Wear the sordid shoes once (not nice, but just understand why she lies):

- You switch place with her
- Do all the stuff with another woman
- Enjoy the affair a lot, probably feeling smarter of your Wife
- The she blows up your cover and finds out
- Now you feel shame, lie
- She does not believe it you did not have "fun" with another woman
- You feel too mmuch shame to admit, so you lie until you paint her crazy

Gaslighting.
This is what she is doing to you.

THe suggestions you got are good, do the 180 you cannot beg her to come clean, she needs to see the consequences of ther trash behavior.

ANd you must be ready to go all in (or out of the M in this case) no bluff, do it for yourself, if she lies she still wants to keep the M up, she might finally stop gaslighting and take accountability.
In that case you may consider if she is material for a R or Divorce.

Thank you all. Sadly, every day the story becomes harder to believe. I want to work on us, but I can’t begin until I have all the facts. My wife just doesn’t seem willing to budge; she is sticking to her story.

She was very careful during her first confession not to say the exact words, "I had sex with him." Now it has turned into, "I never said I had sex with him — I just agreed with what you believed."

She has said in texts that she slept with him, but now she claims that doesn’t acknowledge sex. Is this all just part of the denial?
She says she wants to do another test but i thin0k they give more questions than answers

[This message edited by Coordinatedtime at 1:55 PM, Tuesday, January 27th]

Ummm,

Which story is she sticking to?

I may be wrong, but I don’t remember a case of a woman admitting to her husband having had sex with another man, when in fact she hadn’t.

Just doesn’t seem in the realm of human experience, to me.

Best wishes.

At this point does it even matter if she had sex with him? In what world is she living that she thinks having a man masturbate behind her while she has her pants pulled down is any less hurtful.

One thing a lot of people say, me included, it’s not the sex that’s the most hurtful, it’s the lies and the disrespect WS show us during affairs.

Your wife is giving you nothing to work with. All she is giving you is lie after lie. How can you reconcile with someone who keeps doing this?

She is sticking to the story that there was no sex — only that he masturbated while she stared at the wall. We had a good sex life, especially considering we had just fostered a newborn baby. Right now, I feel stuck because I can’t move past her insistence that they didn’t have sex.
What hurts the most is the lying and the deceit, and the fact that she tells me she has never stopped loving me.

[This message edited by Coordinatedtime at 4:05 PM, Tuesday, January 27th]

I want to work on us....

Knowing what you want is important. At the same time, it's important to know what's possible/attainable.

You cannot work on 'us' alone. It tkes 2. My reco is to stop thinking about 'us' until and unless she agrees to no more lies.

I'm not saying 'D now.' You get to decide how much time and rope to give her. But you need to accept that there's no 'us' to work on at this point in time.

D – Don’t
E – Even
T – Think
A – About
C – Changing
H – Her.

I invite you to consider that she is most likely lying. You already basically know that.

Now consider the alternative.

She isn't lying. She met up with this guy and he shot his wad on her while she was bent over a wall, or some bit of furniture, or the back of her car.

Ok, is that not enough?

What I'm getting at is any betrayal could be worse or better in some quantifiable way. She definitely lied and cheated. She is probably still lying. Is that not enough pain for you?

Lets say she admits to sex later? Is that a deal breaker, or are you willing to work through that too?

I think you are sort of getting caught in a bit of a trap of analyzing whether or not her particular story about the betrayal is true (knowing that it probably isn't) and deciding if those facts are OK to move forward with, IF she was telling the truth.

You are the guy on the spot here, but I think you are basically still sitting in front of the starting line with a desperate and still deceitful wife. Her story barely matters, and even if true and complete is horrendous.

What has she done to really encourage reconciliation? Change into a safe partner? Therapy? I mean, she failed the first polygraph and probably did something beat the second one (e.g. convinced herself the definition of "sex" in the question was some specific act she didn't perform so that it didn't constitute deception).

She has shown willingness to take a polygraph, so if you happen to want the whole truth, there is a very standard bit of advice here.

Have her submit to you a complete written timeline of the affair. Have her take another polygraph attesting to the completeness of the timeline without intentional omission. To "sex with another man" or whatever other two questions she failed the first time.

I think you are pushing forward with no solid footing and are in no place to reasonably consider reconciliation.

Simple thing:

Truth is consistent because it is true.

Lies are inconsistent because they are built and rehearsed so the brain can not maintain it effortlessly, and the story based on lies keeps changing.

Ask for details, even insignificant and she will be super accurate (you aren’t normally, but a liar works on the story). Ask again after some time and they will change.

Her story is full of holes and bullshit, write it about 2 strangers and you can see as well as we can that she’s treating you like a mushroom "feed him shit, keep him in the dark"

She didn’t just betray you having sex with that guy, she is also openingly treating you like an idiot.

You’re not off to see she is a narcissist or a sociopath, not an ounce of remorse, she thinks she can bullshit you and get away with it.

So let her get away with it: pack her luggage, leave it at the door and tell her to go finish her affair partner up since she is so helpful in getting his pleasure, because you have use for a woman, her OP can keep the trash.

Although I wasn’t happy about the confessions, I was content with them. They felt like the truth, and the fact that she told me—even though she was clearly uncomfortable doing so—gave me a small sense of hope. It made me feel that she wanted me, and that she wasn’t just staying because of the children.
Sadly, with the multiple retractions along the way, that small amount of trust is no longer there. I now find myself viewing everything with scepticism. The new test, which she passed, has only added to the confusion. I am left with one fail, one pass, a wife who has betrayed me, and still no clear answers two months on—only claims that I find incredibly hard to believe.
Am I wrong for not believing her more? She says it hurts that the one person she thought had her back doesn’t believe her. She has deleted all social media, started therapy, and is making more of an effort at home—cooking more, showing more affection, making time for me, and constantly telling me she loves me. Is this the sign of a changed woman, or a guilty conscience?

[This message edited by Coordinatedtime at 8:35 PM, Tuesday, January 27th]