So trauma amplifies things in many ways. There are some books on it, I read them, and have even been cheated on and while I can intellectually understand it, I didn’t go through that as much. Probably because I understood the nature of affairs by the time I learned of his. My questions were truly a lot like you imagine yours to be in the aftermath of my husbands affair.
Someone who never cheated only has the past experience of fictional versions through books or tv in or some snippets of someone else’s relationship. So it’s more traumatizing because they can’t frame it the same way as if they had been ws themselves.
The pain of the affair is in the details for them. They are lost in the forest looking at the trees, trying to map it all. You have had a lot of time to have perspective over the bigger picture.
And when they can ascertain one set of details it often leads them to the discovery of other details which then drives that seeking behavior even more. They were completely unaware this was going on under their nose and I think some of it is about safety of being able to recognize it later, some of it is knowing exactly what it is they are trying to accept (and for some possibly forgive), and some of it is you have this secret world with this other person, eliminating that intimate secret is sort of part of the reclaiming. It’s also very hard for them to remember certain things because it’s so much information at one time.
Discovery often goes on this intensely for about a year when they are getting as much of the truth as can be given. It goes on longer for couples who have the trickle truth. (And while you aren’t doing that, the time disparity still may have some of those same effects)
But even in the most honest situations, there certain things they will go back and want to revisit. That sort of cycles through over and over until the pain of that part is sort of drained out. I don’t have a better expression for it. It’s like a need to accept it all in pieces because there is no way to absorb it at once.
You might be better poised to be grateful she is willing to try and get what she needs so that healing can occur. She wants to try and remain married, she wants to heal, those are all positive things and this is just the vehicle of what gets her there. I know you are grateful for that, try and tap into accepting this in the process to get to where you are going as a way to self soothe. Suffering is typically about non-acceptance. When I am anxious I will literally say to myself "I accept I feel anxious, I accept that I am not completely sure why, it will pass"
You and I have the knowledge that nothing good came from our respective affairs, not now and not really when we were in it. We fooled ourselves at times but you never really shake the artificial aspect of it. And we truly understand that it wasn’t a reflection of the AP or the spouse. It was what we were leaning into rather than learning real coping mechanisms.
Also this information is ancient history for you. I disclosed more real time, and I think both have their advantages and disadvantages. The advantage is you have had time to change and grow and get perspective. So she doesn’t have to suffer through the unwinding of the brainwashing you did with yourself to make it all work. But, on the other hand, you have detachment over it, and are completely focused on her pain. There is not the same brand of shared suffering and her watching your transformation in real time.
Also because you have all this room to focus on her pain it’s hard not to hyper focus on it. Every bump in the road feels like a crater to you. I don’t think it’s bad that you are filled with remorse, but it makes it hard to decenter your shame. I struggled with that forever, so I am not condemning you, but just be watchful of it.
[This message edited by hikingout at 5:20 PM, Wednesday, January 28th]
