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With stbx moving on so quickly to dating someone (we haven't even finished filing the paperwork), I'm wondering about his proclamations last year about not wanting to divorce and me being the person he wished to spend his life with. Were any of those feelings real? Was he just saying stuff in the moment to preserve the money and property?

I know none of this should matter given that we're divorcing, but somehow it makes me sad and angry. Maybe because I gave genuine consideration to his words back then, or because part of me still regrets the divorce and wants the future I once hoped for. His behavior keeps showing me the opposite of what's in my head - I know that future is a fantasy based on who I thought he was and not who he really is, but it's so hard to get my brain to accept the truth. I guess 30 years with someone will really mess you up.

Or maybe the problem is that I believed him when he said all that stuff last year, and now I don't know what to believe. It feels like a less intense version of that first year (ddays 1-4), with all the trickle truths and "affair fog" feelings. Does this man have any clue what love is? Are all his feelings temporary, lasting only as long as they're convenient??

I'm wondering about his proclamations last year about not wanting to divorce and me being the person he wished to spend his life with. Were any of those feelings real?

Even if they were real would it have mattered? If you felt done with the M and there was no coming back from it, it doesn't really matter what he wanted. My xWS didn't want me to leave or D made constant proclamations of becoming a better husband and he loved me blah blah blah, but I felt different towards him. I felt like too much had happened and my feelings for him were never coming back even if he were to miraculously change (which we all know he wouldn't have). I knew I didn't want the M anymore.

No one likes D. It isn't easy and it does fracture the family unit. But that doesn't mean life can't be good for you after D.

My xWS started dating right away after I left, but he also dated during the M He did not like when I started dating which I thought was hilarious. Now he is alone and I am with a partner. Life is constantly changing. Maybe your xWS can't be alone so he dates. I love being alone and started dating when I felt ready for it. We still don't live together after 5 years. My partner and I have a long distance relationship he drives trucks for a living so I mostly see him on the weekends, but it works out for me because I do like my alone time.

Or maybe the problem is that I believed him when he said all that stuff last year, and now I don't know what to believe. It feels like a less intense version of that first year (ddays 1-4), with all the trickle truths and "affair fog" feelings. Does this man have any clue what love is? Are all his feelings temporary, lasting only as long as they're convenient??

Again even if you believed him does it really matter if you did not want to be married to him anymore? He probably did mean it in the moment who knows how long it would last over time. My xWS said a lot of things and usually would always slip back into his old patterns.

My xWS started dating right away after I left, but he also dated during the M

I've made similar comments about mine having dated during the marriage! Much easier for him to move on than for me since he had recent practice!

You're right that it shouldn't really matter. I'm still stuck in lifelong commitment mode in my head, and some part of me cannot accept that the person I married doesn't have that mode, in spite of his 3 year long affair. I never fully closed the door to him in my mind, not even with the divorce. I knew I couldn't be married to him, in part because I didn't trust him with my financial future. I wasn't divorcing him so I could be with someone else.

I told him multiple times during R and after I ended it that I would never say never about us getting back together, but I had to move forward with the divorce for my mental health. It seemed like he had finally started to change late last year, and I was finally starting to lower my guard. I think that left me vulnerable to the hope that maybe he would continue to change for the better. Instead, he has pulled the plug in a truly irrevocable way - not just the dating (though obviously if he's with someone else, I'm not going anywhere near him) but also the trickle truth in telling me about it.

I think many of us carry a little hopium flame deep inside. We want our WS or XWS to yearn for us, to wish they had us back. And maybe they do, but their shame will cause them to act as though they are "free" and moving forward. They cannot sit in the sadness and disappointment they have created for themselves, so they fill that with dating and new relationships. If they stop for.a moment and actually consider what they did, their carefully constructed house of cards will come crumbling down. So they don’t sit still. They can’t.

The thing is, they have not changed or healed. They are substituting one poor coping mechanism with another. It’s like someone who quits drinking cold turkey and starts smoking like a chimney. It will catch up with them somehow. They won’t experience healing and healthy relationships like you will.

And I think they experience love as the adrenaline or dopamine hit of being wanted and admired. They don’t have the character to understand a deeper more substantial love. For them it is more transactional. Doesn’t mean they didn’t love you - just they don’t experience love the way we non-cheaters do. Real love is deep and has some ugly uncomfortable moments. It helps us grow and see our own flaws and inspires us to want to change them. But cheaters don’t want to do that work. They want easy love. No introspection or sacrifice or growth or discomfort. it’s shallow.

So, as much as it hurts and I know this is hard, try to extinguish that last little bit of hopium. I am 99.99999999% sure that in a year or so you will see that being free of him is better for you. It takes time, but you will see that the M wasn’t as healthy as you thought it was.

Be kind to yourself, focus on you. And know that you DO have happier days ahead.