SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,
my whole life ended 4 days ago. I feel so terrible.

I'll try to make it short: I'm 37, from Germany and my husband (38) is from the US. He is a touring musician, we had a long distance relationship and we married in 2020. In 2023 I left my whole life (my parents, job, friends, left my family dog who was too old to come here) and moved to my husband in California. We renovated a house and made a home. I started a small business, we got 3 dogs.
We talked about having a kid maybe. I really thought my life is perfect...until 4 days ago.

I found an email. It was from November 2022, it was actually the day my husband just left me (he visited me in Germany) and drove a rental car to Cologne to start his bands tour in Germany. That day he texted an escort service and asked for the most disgusting things I could imagine. It was in escort slang (short forms for sexual acts) and he was searching for a blonde with huge fake b****. And she had the same name like me!

He was with me when I read it. He admitted it. I had a mental breakdown, after a few hours he admitted more. He had sex with an escort in November 2023 in Canada too. I was already living with him.

In May 2022 (he was on tour) I saw that he followed an escort girl on instagram and asked him what that is? He had a bad excuse and never admitted anything and deleted her again. That was always in my head and sometimes I brought it up again because it never made sense. He never admitted it until now: he wanted to meet her but I caught him and he didn't.

I'm devastated. I left my old life to come here for a cheater.
I have no idea what to do now. Going back to Germany would mean my small business is over, I will not see my dogs again and I have nothing over there. I'd really would to start from zero and be depressed for years. I don't want to tell my friends and family because I'm so embarrassed.

My husband is remorseful, is crying, doesn't want me to leave, says he will do therapy and never do it again. Says he ruined me and my life and feels bad for it. He says I don't deserve him and he would understand if I would leave him. He already emailed a therapist.

We talked 40 hours in the past 4 days. Literally all day.
I really love the version of him that I thought he was but this person is dead now. I honestly think I would never find anyone anymore, because this version was the love of my life.

I can't understand how he could do this to me. The day he left me in Germany, I was so happy I saw him, we just got our interview appointment for my visa Interview that day... and he drives to cologne and had sex with an escort. My heart hurts.

And the worst part of it all: he did all this right before I moved to him. He lied to me the whole time, he knew I gave up my whole life for him. In the past 3 years I was living here my grandma and my family dog died. I missed their last years of life.. just to get cheated on. For this illusion.

Can you give me advice, experiences, anything...
Deep in my heart I don't want to leave him because maybe he can change. But also this email.. he's really one of those weak creepy men that pays escorts for sex although he's married? That's actually exactly the kind of man I don't want. I thought he's special and different.

Please help me, I have noone to talk to, have no friends here and nowhere to go.

Can relate because your story matches mine a lot.

You will be heard here and we understand what is you feel.

I will reply you better later because of time constraints but I wanted to tell you this.

You are not alone.
It was not your fault.
Is not ok, but you can heal.

You will find a lot of support here sister.
Let your emotions out. You have been heard

There is nothing worse than finding out the one person who is supposed to be there for you no matter what, the one person you can turn to when you are hurting, has hurt you in a way that no one else could. It is devastating.

My advice is to find a therapist that specializes in trauma because infidelity is the worst kind of trauma in my opinion. I would not start talking with a marital therapist. They tend to focus on putting an affair behind you. After several months once you feel like your head is clear and you can make decisions that are in your best interest then start talking with a marital therapist if you still want the relationship

It takes years to get over the infidelity and years to rebuild Trust. It only takes seconds to destroy and it takes several years to maybe rebuild

If you need space to think then ask him to move out. If he truly wants to save the relationship he has to be willing to do anything

You have found a great place for support and advice

Thank you all for the responses so far. I really appreciate it because right now I feel like I will never recover from this.

I'm planning on finding a trauma therapist.

Moving out is a little tricky. We live in a house that his mom owns. She lives next door to us in a smaller house on the property.
Unfortunately I can't tell him to move out.

I have a Germany flight booked in June to visit my family and friends. In July my husband will come and joing me Germany and we already booked a vacation in Italy.
The upcoming months sound very tricky.

I feel like I don't want to tell anyone because I'm so embarrassed. All my friends have husbands, houses and kids and are happy...
That's also the reason I don't want to move back home. I would be so alone with nothing left.

I never thought I would ever be in this situation.

I’m so sorry that you’re suffering Pugnamedyoda.

First off, try to take care of yourself physically. Stay hydrated and make yourself eat. If you need to, see a doctor about medicine for anxiety/depression or something to help you sleep.

You both need to get tested for STDs. Sucks, but…escorts.

I hope you can soon get to a place where you don’t feel embarrassed. You have nothing to be embarrassed about! He’s the one who cheated. Everyone on this website got cheated on, should we be embarrassed too? Just know that there is nothing you could have done to prevent him from cheating. He cheated because of what is wrong with him, not what is wrong with you.

You don’t have to do this alone. If one of your own friends or family members came to you with a similar problem, how would you react? I’d bet anything you’d be tremendously supportive. Well, that’s how they’re going to react as well.

One last thing, and this sucks to have to tell you. It’s extremely common if not ubiquitous that the betrayed spouse does not get full disclosure at first. A common recommendation here is to have him put everything down in writing, in the form of a timeline. At some point, you’ll offer him the opportunity to take a polygraph to prove his candor. It’s a step towards rebuilding trust. But he’s a touring musician…sex drugs and rock n roll and all that…I think you need to keep your suspicions pretty high right now.

Thank you for the response and kind words.

I guess the reason why I'm embarrassed is that I thought we're this perfect couple. I even left everything and moved to another country for him.
Telling someone would mean that I completely fucked up because I already got cheated on before I even moved.
I know it was not me...but I guess I don't want it to be true yet.

I even told and asked him after I discovered the escort instagram account he following if there is anything he needs to tell me before I give my whole life up for him. He lied..the whole time.
I can't believe he would do something like that to me.

Thank you for the response and kind words.

I guess the reason why I'm embarrassed is that I thought we're this perfect couple. I even left everything and moved to another country for him.
Telling someone would mean that I completely fucked up because I already got cheated on before I even moved.
I know it was not me...but I guess I don't want it to be true yet.

I even told and asked him after I discovered the escort instagram account he following if there is anything he needs to tell me before I give my whole life up for him. He lied..the whole time.
I can't believe he would do something like that to me.

Look, I understand you because I've been through it.

Long distance relationship, different countries, 5 years, left everything to move to her country, work, study, career, family, friends.

Had to start a life from zero in a place where I did not even understand the language.
We married, she has been loyal for the last 15 years we have lived together.

However she cheated on me while we were long distance. Do you think it matters that 18 years passed when I got to know names and timelines?

We are not the ones who fucked up, that is on our partners.
Acting in good will, honestly and love is nothing to be ashamed of.
You are good sister, someone else has to live with lifelong shame, not you.

You should not be embarrassed for trusting your WH. He deliberately lied to you. What he presented you was a charade meant to hide his illicit activities. My guess is that using escorts had long been a practice while touring long before he met you. I could be wrong of course, but I would not be surprised. I would approach this as a lifedtyle issue that continued after he met you and married. Just my take. Please take care of you.

NO SOLICITING

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:14 PM, Tuesday, April 28th]