SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Last week was the worst week of my life. My wife said she wasn't happy and wanted to leave me, the marriage couldn't be fixed, we need to sell the house and work out arrangements with our 18 month old little girl.
It was all very sudden and nearly killed me.
For the next few days I was just in immense pain and wanted my wife back.
On Saturday she told me she had an affair, physical and emotional, in the 18 months since our daughter was born with a man from work.
She showed a lot of remorse and how much pain she was in. She said that she thought the way to reduce my pain was not tell me and to run away. But she couldn't and wants to fix what she's done.

Strangely all I want is my wife. I want us to fix things and work out how we got here. Our life can't go back to how it was and we aren't the same people we were before it. But I want her and only her.

My family think I'm crazy and have no self worth because of this.

The thing is, something needed to happen to blow up our marriage as we weren't happy, we were disconnected and stopped communicating. She had her needs met elsewhere during that time. It's not an excuse for her as she made continuous conscious decisions that she knew would destroy me and possibly our marriage.
But once it all came out and she described what she wants and what she's willing to do to show me she wants me and this marriage, I felt relief. I felt clarity. It actually raised my self worth as I realised what I deserve and she has to reach that.
We both realised what it would mean to lose each other and that was horrible.
I wish she didn't do what she did, but part of me is glad something happened for us to make that realisation.

My question to anybody in this situation is this; am I delusional and crazy? Has anybody had these similar thoughts?

am I delusional and crazy?

Absolutely not.

Has anybody had these similar thoughts?

Probably everyone here.

I hesitate to use the word "fortunate" (nothing about what you're going will feel like that), but the fact you've come directly to the Reconciliation forum, rather than Just Found Out, probably says something about your situation. Your wife has bypassed the "blame you/blame the marriage/blame everyone but her" phase (perhaps her brief "wanting to run away" phase is a version of that) and gone straight to being contrite about her actions. My wife has yet to reach that stage, if she ever will. Many people never reach that stage, so I've learned. Take that as a win, but be cautious going forward.

Emotions don't turn off like a tap. Your love was real, and love is a powerful emotion. It has to be to bond people together like it does. No matter what your wife has done, your love won't just switch off. In the weeks leading up to my own D-day, when I had really begun to suspect something was going on, I had all sorts of silly fantasies about how it would go down - chuck her out, take our kids and leave, a big confrontation, everything you see in the movies. But in the event, it was nothing like that at all. Nothing can prepare you for it. I wished for death some days, it was so painful. My wife caused that pain, and yet I still love her. Wanting to work it out doesn't mean you're weak, it means your love was real, and nothing will change that.

You've suffered a deep and horrible trauma. It is real and it is unimaginably painful. Google "Betrayal Trauma" - it will help you understand what is happening to you and affirm you are not delusional or crazy. Your wife has a role to play in your recovery, if she is genuine about her remorse. Your family should have a role too - but they need to understand and support you, not cast judgement. That is not a safe space for recovery. You need all the help you can get - doctors, therapists, friends, family. You need comfort and support. You need to feel safe. You need to be constantly reassured that you're safe. Don't let anyone tell you you're crazy or have no self-worth. Anyone that tells you that is not a safe person to be around.

My D-day was only seven weeks ago, so I'm still an infidelity baby. I'm only a little bit further along this terrible road and I don't know where it's going to take me, but I can offer you this: Be kind to yourself. Wanting to reconcile is the most natural response in the world. But before you can even begin to do that, you need to recover. Don't rush it.

The worst week of your life is behind you.

Husbandlostatsea,

GuzmanLyrebird gave you some very wise advice, especially for someone so early in the after D-day process. May I add my 35 years post D-day thoughts to it?

My question to anybody in this situation is this; am I delusional and crazy? Has anybody had these similar thoughts?

No, I do not believe you are "delusional" though there probably will be some self-delusion that you and your wayward wife will have to discover and extract from your understandings of each other and what the marriage was and what it will be in the future. I would also argue that you are not crazy for seeking reconciliation, but the process is long, much longer than I ever thought it would be, daunting and, yes, crazy making. A bit of advice, don’t act when in a crazy faze, and there are bound to be many, for things can be said that cannot be retract. And your spouse will have her "crazy fazes" as well.

Dig deep and find every inch of your ability to have empathy. Empathy is not agreement or a get out of jail free card but it is, I believe, an important part of reconciliation. If you cannot or unwilling to apply empathy, then, my suggestion is, do the loving thing for both you and you’re your wife and get a divorce lawyer.

"Strangely all I want is my wife. I want us to fix things and work out how we got here. Our life can't go back to how it was and we aren't the same people we were before it. But I want her and only her.’’

I understand this feeling and which is normal and might lead to some hysterical bonding which feels wonderful but be careful not to mistake that for healing and reconciling. Typically, this type of frantic lovemaking/clinging serves to mostly rug-sweeping and doesn’t have staying power. My suggestion is for you both to seek therapy, not as a couple or marriage counseling (That was my wife and my mistake) but individual counseling. Once that has occurred and a great deal of self-discovery is accomplished, that is the time to reevaluate your marriage, how you want to proceed and how your wife wants to proceed. Now is not the time to make any "long-term plans". The marriage is over that is important for you to grasp. It ended the moment your wife chose another man over you. That does not mean that there cannot be a new and possibly much better marriage between the two of you.

There is so much more to say but if I can suggest one more thing, try as hard as your gut will allow to be more curious than judgmental. You have every right to judge, I am not suggesting otherwise. What I am trying to say is that negative judgments will come easily and can overwhelm any ability to be curious as to what happened, why it happened, and what the process is going forward.
Asterisk

Hus...,

Perhaps You are just going through the stages of grief, the first being disbelief or denial. You are very early in the process, and yes many likely the great majority of us here have done the same.

For myself it was decades of denial and becoming a workaholic.

DNA test Your child. Sorry affairs are often larger than WWs admit

Hey lost at sea,
Sorry you had to find us. Worst club but great people here.

Please read in the Just Found Out Forum and look especially for the posts with the bullseyes (you may have to go back a few pages to find them). There are our primers for folks who are new to this. Although each scenario had its uniqueness, it is amazing how similar nearly every affair is. Read the advice on taking care of yourself, getting STD/STI testing, avoiding drugs and alcohol, and getting some daily exercise while eating healthy and drinking water. If you cannot sleep or have anxiety issues, please see your doctor. Until you AND YOUR SPOUSE have both had STD testing, please practice safe sex. (Bonus - how she handles getting the STD testing will tell you a lot about her willingness to do the work to be a safe partner.)

Also read in the Healing Library. You will learn some coping, understand the emotional roller coaster you are going through, and realize that your feelings are normal and crazy-making. One thing to note is that recovery from an A (affair) takes years whether you R (reconcile) or D (divorce). The first year is a lot of shock and coming to the realization that this happened, your life is forever changed, and now what? Year 2 is different as the shock wears off, and then years three and beyond are continued healing. It’s not this bad for years, but it does hurt for a lot longer than you want. BUT. You will get through it and find a good life on the other side, regardless of the outcome of your M.

One thing for R is that both of you need to be 100% in for the long haul. It’s too early to know if your wife will be up for it, but you will know as you see her consistently make the effort over time (or not). Please watch her actions and ignore words- words are cheap and easy.

Since her AP (affair partner) was at work, what is she doing about that? Is she looking for a new job? How will she make you feel SAFE?
This is a big piece.

Keep posting, keep faith that you will be okay.

I urge you to focus on your own healing, not on R. If you both want R and do the work, you're likely to succeed in R. Note, though, that some couples do as much as they can to R, and one partner decides they just do not want to be with their partner until the end of one's life.

So my reco is to think about what you want from R and how you'll know you're getting it or not. Establish requirements for R, and monitor how well they're being met. Adjust as you go along, if you're not getting what you want.

NC (No Contact with the ap(s)) is usually a requirement for R. Frequent contact with the ap just keeps the A going in one way or another. It's possible to R if new contact with the ap is kept to professional matters only, but NC makes it less difficult to R. IOW, one requirement is usually for the WS to get a job which does not involve any contact at all with the ap.

Don't accept any blame for the A. Your WS chose to cheat by their very own choice.

Many of the bull's-eye threads in JFO are on the 2nd page.

Are you delusional or crazy.....nope. Will you feel like you are in the coming weeks....and maybe years....yes. Similar thoughts....definitely. I thought I must be weak to love my FWH after his affair. But, if anything, recovering and reconciling requires so much effort....it is absolute emotional badassery. I think it is a superpower to be able to heal yourself while also leaning into building a new relationship. That effort has given us so much more than we had.
What you had is dead...maybe it needed to die.

Recovering and reconciling are two very different things. It is great that she has immediately taken accountability. That is a win. And also, tomorrow you may find out something new that levels you again. As others have said, I recommend you focus on you. Time will tell. And, it will take much longer than either of you want.

There is a reckoning coming for you in terms of grief....doubt....roller coaster of flipping back and forth. Take care of yourself. Treat yourself with the same grace you'd give a trusted friend going through the same.

As for family or friends thinking you are weak.....I find that the people who think that haven't been through it.

Take care.

Husbandlostatsea,

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I very much endorse BearlyBreathing’s and Sisson’s posts. She cannot continue to work with her AP. Co-worker affairs are notorious for flaring back up. I usually hold that if a WS still works with their AP, the BS should consider the A ongoing.

Like others, I think you may be a little too soon to be in the R forum. You only found out, what, 4 days ago? You are in shock. I’m not saying you can’t or won’t R. But I am going to tell you that you are in for the worst rollercoaster ride of your life, and your emotions are going to be all over the place for a while. It’s ok to hold off on making any decisions until your head has cleared. Like Sisson said, focus on your healing. Think of it like you just got shot. First thing you do is treat the gunshot wound and recuperate.

In the meantime, observe her. What is she actually doing to prove to you she wants to R?

Both of you should be in IC. You, with a betrayal trauma specialist, and her with someone who can help her understand how and why she gave herself permission to cheat.

One of the painful truths of infidelity is that WSs lie. It’s very likely that your WW is still lying to you, or minimizing her A. It’s good that she voluntarily confessed, but you don’t totally know why. You know what she said, but that’s different. It’s possible that they got discovered at work, or by APs wife, and she was getting ahead of it. You don’t really know when it started. I’m agree with the suggestion to DNA test your child. You WW gave birth 18 months ago. She then had maternity leave. The way you relate what she said, it sounds like the A took off right after your kid’s birth? I’m scratching my head on that a little. My suspicion is that, at least the EA part of it started earlier.

Ask her to hand write a timeline of her affair. When it happened, what happened, the key milestones. Any other lines she has crossed with others. Have her read it to you. Consider having her take a polygraph to establish that her disclosure was honest.

Have her write him a no contact letter. Have her show it to you and watch it get sent if it’s an email, or mail it yourself if it’s hard copy.

One thing you should do is find out who AP is and if he’s married. If he is, you need to tell his wife, the other betrayed spouse (OBS). For some reason people fight this, but you need to do it. First, it’s the right thing to do. Second, it’s very likely to kill the A, as he will be scrambling to save his marriage. Don’t skip this step!!