Regaining Pride, self-respect after spouse’s affair?

Hi, I wanted to inquire from other SI members who have experienced infidelity on how you regained - not just your pride in your marriage - but in yourself. How did you regain your self-respect?

Im a betrayed spouse who has reconciled with my wife. For the most part we have reconciled successfully. I never stopped loving my wife or sought at any point to end our marriage. She has also been a near model wife and mother since we chose to reconcile. Our relationship (and family) is now very loving and caring. Our communication, which was never terrible is now outstanding and we are able to share virtually everything, even the things that led to her affair. Therefore, I almost feel ‘greedy’ complaining about a single aspect of my marriage/life when so much else, things that I value so much more greatly, are really positive.

My wife’s affair was almost entirely a physical affair (therefore the lack of an emotional connection made our reconciliation much easier) but because I know these explicit details it has also created some issues for me. It was never a secret to me that my wife was less than fully happy with our activity and results in bedroom, but prior to her infidelity I had never had it really thrust in my face. I’m sure that I along with every other betrayed spouse, especially those that are aware of explicit details, know exactly how this feels.

My feelings of a lack of pride or self-respect don’t occur often, but it still happens (especially during moments of intimacy) where I cant help but compare myself to her affair partner and their sex. And although she denies it, or at least downplays it, I believe in my heart that she compares us too (at least subconsciously). I know she cant ‘unknow’ something or ‘unfeel’ the things he did for her. Its at these times that Im filled with shame, embarrassment and humiliation. Ive received lots of support online and professionally but Ive also taken some knocks as well. While I don’t feel this way, I know that there is a large portion of the ‘betrayed community’ who feel I should never have taken my wife back, and certainly not after knowing all that I do. Im sure that at some level this plays into my feelings and insecurities.

Up to now Ive tired to just power through this or reflect on all the great things when these dark thoughts rear their ugly head. Although I worry about the long term impact of this and definitely worry that Ill never again be able to have an intimate moment with my wife again without surrendering my thoughts to explicit details of her affair. Which really sucks.
If any one has successfully dealt with this suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks

11 comments posted: Monday, January 16th, 2023